Thinking Back, Looking Ahead: 2017 Year End Review

Basically, this last blog of 2017 will be the list of things I feel I learned or grew from.

My life is serene but serenity doesn't mean nothing is going on nor does it mean my life is fulfilled.

I am content but in the New Year, I plan to get all out of my comfort zone.

I have been in my safe place for far too long.

For now, I will go over some of the things that made my 2017 what it was.

• First, I lost 105 pounds! - After my Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy, I shed 105. I had to change my eating by force and I worked out. I did well! If I never lose another pound, I will be content. I lost a significant amount of weight and I am happy! I DEFINITELY plan to continue on this journey in life from 2018 and beyond!
• God is Good - All the time; all the time God is good! I found a new church home! I love it! It gives me a sense of peace and I actually LOVE going! It took me a long time to get back in touch with God and I am glad I did! I know my momma is smiling down on me!
• One Hot Momma - I am still parenting alone. Yes, the door of co-parenting is wide open but I cannot MAKE anyone do anything that is not in their heart. Anyone can say they love a child but if you are not building bonds with that child and making sure that child needs are met emotionally, mentally, physically and financially, your love is conditional. I love my child unconditionally! Period! 
• I started dating again - I am taking my time. I have not met anybody significant, Hell, I haven't even been on a date!  A LOT of these dudes in Atlanta play too many games. However, I know I asked God for a soulmate and I have NO DOUBT he will deliver. I was specific in my prayers and I am working on being the perfect soulmate for him, whoever he may be. I will NOT lower my standards, I will NOT settle and nothing anyone says will EVER make me question my worth SIMPLY because I am single. It's far too many people who think it's okay to bash a woman for it, act like everything she is discontent about reverts back to her singleness and that her main focus is getting a man. That's ignorance and narrow-mindedness and it REALLY HAS TO STOP! Who God has for me is for me and when he sends him, I will know!
• Work, Werk, Wurq, Wurk - I decided to make a career out of my job. This means I am looking to move around the company and I found a home there. I am pursuing higher positions and perfecting my current skill set to be able to advance easily.
• Moving Mountains - Someone told me that if they were me they would be in a panic because I am not making the money THEY feel I should.. Funny, they make a lot but it seems they have nothing to show for it. I am not going to panic when I have plans set in motion to advance. I will NOT panic when I trust in God and put it in his hands. He has taken seen me through the worst (losing my momma was the worst thing I ever felt!) and I came out UNSCATHED! I trust His will and no matter whatever else I go through I KNOW GOD GOT ME!

So in a short nutshell, that was my 2017! I am sure I missed a few things but those were THEE most significant things I learned and grew from. Life is a road and I plan to travel down that road as I please, how I please and at the pace I please! 

Happy New Year! #2018andbeyond

Celibacy: Not Getting Any or Not Giving Any?

Today, boys and girls, we are going to discuss celibacy!

Yay! This should be fun!

Just the other day my best friend and Jae I were discussing celibacy. 

She stated that she was talking to a guy who brazenly asked her when the last time she had sex was (as if that's ANY if his business).

Well she didn't give him a timeframe but she told him she is currently celibate.

This "gentleman" proceeded to ask her why and then tell her that he is free spirited and living his life and she should try it because it's so liberating.

I..was..floored!

Needless to say, so was she!

There were SEVERAL things wrong with his statement.

1.  It's NONE of his business WHY she chose celibacy
2. Just be cause she chose celibacy doesn't mean she is not liberated or living a full or satisfying life.
3.  His intent wasn't pure by any means! He just wanted her to be "liberated" with HIM!

I thought that was SO disrespectful to not see her celibacy as a decision she freely made. 

Unfortunately, many men and women feel that because the person THEY so desire is not sleeping with them at the moment they request they can't get any or are having a dry spell.

Well, if that was the case, wouldn't they jump at the chance to bed you?

There ARE people out here fully choosing to remain celibate.

It's not all about religion either.

However choosing NOT to create new Soul Ties to someone who you don't love, who doesn't love you and doesn't consider you a soul mate nor do you consider them a soul mate, can NEVER be a bad decision!

Being celibate doesn't make you any better or worse than anyone else in my opinion. You're just opting NOT to share a part of your body and soul with someone you feel isn't right for YOU! That doesn't make THEM a bad person either by the way. 

 I think people really have an issue with celibacy too because they get the impression that that person is angry or using sex as a weapon.

Sometimes people need to focus on themselves and not let anything cloud their minds.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to remain focused. At all!

I have been on a weight loss journey and a before that journey I was healing from a wound I got when I was run over by my car.

I was solely focused on healing, recovery and getting into the flow of my weight loss goals. Sex was THEE furthest from my mind.

So yes, people do find things more important than sex these days. Lot of people find lots of things more important than sex!

Don't get it twisted; sex can be AMAZING! I personally find it more amazing when I am head over heels in love with someone and I know they feel the same about me.

It's a double edged sword though because sex can be amazing if there is a really strong physical attraction without love too. Mentally and emotionally, however, I don't feel satisfied at the end of the day. Many people share this sentiment.

All I can really do is stick to the path I am trying to blaze.

I can't let any distractions veer me from it and get me unfocused.

I have prayed for my soulmate and he is out there.

I defeat the purpose of my prayers by not waiting for "him" and doing things backwards.

I have to trust the phttps://www.yahoo.com/news/eric-bolling-apos-19-old-183106051.htmlrocess.

For me, unfulfilling meaningless sex isn't part of MY process.
It defeats the whole purpose of my prayer as well.
It also seems as if I question faith, which I don't and don't plan to start.
I know I a doing the right thing for myself because I don't even feel like I am missing out on anything whatsoever physically.
I felt like I was missing out mentally, emotionally and spiritually before I decided to be celibate.
It wasn't a good feeling.
I don't have that feeling currently because there is no one taking parts of my soul anymore and no doing anything positive with it.
I don't feel used, drained or void of emotion.
I just hope my soulmate is out there doing as I am to improve himself for me as I am for him.

You Dropped Your Dime

Flashback Friday to a Facebook Note I wrote in 2008. 
Even then I had the foresight to see that no one should treat you a way you don't deserve and that what they don't appreciate someone else WILL! 
Enjoy the screenshots.

Lasso The Moon

One day,  my big heart will work out for me.
Unfortunately, that day is probably not coming anytime soon.
No,  this is not about woe is me and there's no need to cue the violins. I am just telling it like it is.
People close to me still can't wrap their mind around me being so frank and honest when I blog. However, I am the same way face to face. This is just me translating that to "paper".
I. Am. A. Hopeless. Romantic.
I said it and I confess.
Still,  I don't fall in love THAT easily.
I am not in love now as I write this but there's always that possibility looming in the air.
I just realize that right now, it might not be in the stars for me.
Before you go thinking what I am saying is mumbo jumbo, consider this;  if the alignment of the moon and the sun can cause catastrophic events all over the planet,  imagine what it can do in our lives!
I am intense when I decide to open my heart.
Not the boil your rabbit,  sit outside your house in the bushes and hack your accounts type of intense.
I'm the ride or die, stand by your man even when he's in the trenches, baby-you-can-run-the-world-and-I-gotchu kind of intense.
A lot of people can't handle that. There have been few who can. They were also intense when they loved. 
So,  there HAVE been ones who reached the deepest depths of my heart.
It just wasn't meant to be at that time.
Many factors could have played a part. It could be that we weren't doing what we should in other areas for things to fall into place.
When I look back,  we weren't!
It can't be one person doing everything right and the other is not. It will never work.
Sidebar: I have witnessed this with other relationships and I DO NOT envy them! I'd die alone before I accept that from any man just to say I have one! I say this to you at the age of 42 (I am never afraid to tell my age because my parents good genes passed down to me and I look lots younger than I am!  Thank you, God, for small blessings!).
I have seen relationships where one person is using the other whose giving everything they have to them, one person is cheating while the other is at home waiting faithfully, people  who are secretly in love with others and etc. There's no way the cosmos will bless unions like that!  They are NOT aligned!
I am extra careful what I put out in the universe because I feel like our energy,  our vibes and our aura create the what we get back!
Being positive is WORK, anything rewarding in life is WORK and anything meant to last for life is WORK!
Don't ever doubt that!
The payoff,  however, now that's all worth it!
I realize that I do have to do some changing just as the universe is ever changing.
I know what I offer and I know what I want but something HAS to be off.  I am big enough to realize that.
Maybe I need to rein in my intensity some. I can't call it but know I am willing to be totally open to the changes that I need to make, whatever they may be.
The only way I will get answers from the Universe is if I pray to the Creator of it.
This might be part of the issue in of itself.
I am guilty of not praying when I should or even when I need it the most.
One thing that I won't change is my requirements.
I require more than what a lot of others are accepting and that's saying a LOT because I don't require that much.

Every time I hear Ready or Not by After 7, I say it's exactly the song I hear in my head when someone asks me what I want.

I think to myself, "If you want to know what I REALLY want then sit up and take notes when that song comes on!"

Yeah,  I'm sure you're saying, "This chick is nuts!  A man can't give her everything!"
Those men KNOW they can't possibly give their women the sun,  the rain,  the moon,  the stars and the mountains AND THE WORLD and even more.  I can promise you this though; they were willing to try! That alone speaks VOLUMES!
You see the picture I linked is from Bruce Almighty. He was named God for a period of time and just because he knew how much his lady loved full moons,  he lassoed the moon to bring it's shine and beauty closer to her!  It doesn't get much better than that!
The moral of the story is: I just want someone who will lasso the moon for me in their way. They do it because they can,  they are willing and able.
The issue has been that I have not found the one willing to do so yet.
I would love to.
I know for a fact I am worth it,  would make him feel appreciated for it and show reciprocity.
It's not a tall order for someone truly ready. The part of being ready falls on me too. I will do what I need to make sure I am ready to receive that!

I will keep my eyes open for my moon wranglers in the mean time though. If they have the sun, the rain,  the stars, the mountains, the world and more,  I'll take that too!  He'd never be able to say he found a woman that loved and appreciated him for that more than he could say of me!

My Truth - A Year Later, Part 1

Today I am going to give you a rare glimpse into my personal dating life. 
As some of you may well know, I took a six-year hiatus on dating.  I became a single mother,  I lived in a really small, cliquish one horse town, I knew I would be moving away from there soon and was (and I still am) focused on my daughter and working.

It wasn't until I moved here to the Atlanta area that I decided to give dating a whirl. 

This has been....I am trying to think of one word to describe it accurately...

Well, honestly, I can't. So I am going to just describe it how I feel.

And let me just say that if you're someone I dated and you're reading this and you get offended, honestly, I don't really give a fuck. 

That is MY flaw, this brutal honesty, and I own that. 
I am working on toning it down. But that won't be today so suck it easy! It's not like any of us are TRULY friends, although had there been some honesty on YOUR part we could have been.

I have friends here. As a matter of fact my best friend is here. I have been asked why they don't hook me up."
Honestly, I don't really like or expect my friends to set me up. Unfortunately, while they are really awesome, they are single too, this isn't the era my parents were in when in their dating years (actually, by this age (41) my mom and dad had been married almost 20 years) and people just don't do the matchmaking thing anymore. It sucks really though because your friends are the best judge of characters aside from yourself, and they are on the outside looking in. 
They see flaws we miss because we have our blinders on. They know us and know who we would be a good match for. However, if they are having their own struggles, it's hard for them to really push theirs aside for mine. I get it and I am not offended. 

But I digress.

This experience for me has been full of dishonesty, selfishness, secrecy,  disappointment and hurt. 

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I give it freely once I decide to give it and I expect the same. I don't fall in love easily (and I am not currently in love) and haven't been in love in almost a decade. 

The last person I was in love with has been with the woman he had after me for almost as long. I admit I screwed that up royally and I still kick myself over it. He was an awesome guy then and still is now but I wasn't smart enough to see it then. He's still a great friend to me to this day (you see how that works?).

Just because I am not in love doesn't mean I don't love.

I can love you for your personality, your sense of humor, how smart you are, your sense of adventure...or simply for just being you!

I don't require much either.  I require, honesty, a giving and caring person and someone open with nothing to hide. I like a smart man, a driven man and a man willing to be serious about me.

It's been almost a year. I haven't had ANY combination of those things in a person I dated.

Don't get me wrong, it's only been two I "dated" and the others were false starts, which is NOT to be translated to sex. It wasn't. Hell, we didn't get that far!
My first experience started off pleasant. He was a church going guy, very much into music and attractive. I blogged about that experience here.
Well I want to say that I could have taken that as a sign but I like to be optimistic. I am a bit of a hopeless romantic and I feel find WILL find the one so I definitely didn't let that deter me. He wasn't honest with me, he was either too busy or already involved (after he added me on Facebook I noticed a chick that seemed to linger around a lot so I kind of put two and two together) and I didn't fit into the scheme of things. I took that L and kept it pushing.
My second experience started off great. This dude seemed really interested but he was pushing for a meeting too fast and I was hesitant. That was my gut instinct telling me to be cautious and next time I will go with it.
We finally meet and he's very attractive, sweet, attentive and has his ducks in a row as far as what meets the eye. I even felt comfortable enough to bring him around my family but NOT as my man. It was just friendship.
Well, he pulled a disappearing act for two weeks and randomly popped back up expecting me not to have questions or an issue with that.
That was NOT cool! If he felt that things were getting too heavy and he wasn't ready, he should filled ME in on that! I assumed he used me for a space filler and that the interest I developed wasn't genuinely reciprocated. Of course I had sense enough to ASK what he wanted, however what he said and what he did were two TOTALLY different things.
That sucked because the trust I had for him went out the window. I no longer took him seriously. His disappearing was a habit and happened several times in the months we "dated". Finally, he just flaked out on me TWICE at a time I had an emergency with my car and with my daughter and I was done!
I at least told him so he knew to delete my number and not bother randomly hitting me up at time I assume,  he was between women or bored with the one he may have had or whatever he has going on. It wasn't worth devoting the energy to find out.
There was another dude I was digging after that. Really smart, attractive and had great conversation.
Honestly, I don't know why we didn't become good friends at the very least.
I tried. I genuinely tried to at least be friends with him but when he went out to lounges or events, he NEVER included me despite me having expressed interest numerous times in going.
I definitely wasn't trying to copblock or make my presence known as his chick cuz I wasn't nor did I remotely think that. I just thought he was a cool dude and would be fun to hang out with.
After hitting someone up and asking what they are doing so many tines and learning they are out with friends, you get the picture they don't or WON'T be considering you one. I let it go.
No hard feelings but maybe I was in my feelings about the slight or what I felt was a slight. He wasn't a bad dude to me but it just wasn't in the cards for us to be friends or otherwise.
It is what it is.
So now onto the gentleman and the scholar. Actually, scholar, yes, gentleman,  NO!
This guy was pushy from the gate. He is highly intelligent and established. Physically I wasn't attracted to him because he is the spitting image of someone who I consider family. The attraction wasn't there.
I decided to finally go out with him EVEN THOUGH I didn't feel comfortable. He was just pushy and always upset because I wouldn't go out with him when HE wanted me to.
I thought maybe I was just being difficult because I hate when people try to control me. Blame the Aries in me. So against my better judgment, I decided to go.
The ENTIRE date he bashed every guy I had spoken of dating. I just spoke of my past experience in life as a whole. This man used his PhD in psychology to analyze every bit of information (which wasn't much because I didn't need to spill all my personal business with him) I had given him about my past dating experiences. I am 41. I have been dating since I was 20. Now you all KNOW I did NOT tell this man about 20 years of dating! I didn't even tell him details of my dates before him. I just said I wasn't on the same page with the ones I have met since I moved. THAT WAS IT!
This dude tries to get detailed information from me regarding WHY it didn't work. I immediately knew it was to try to manipulate me and use psychology on me so I can bend to HIS will.
You gotta be quicker than that!
When that failed miserably, he thought that pushing up on me in a parking lot, trying to shove his hand into my vagina and propositioning me to go to the hotel across the street would do it.
Surely a woman whom he NEVER had a sexual conversation with MUST want to suddenly sleep with him right?
WRONG!
I declined. He proceeded to try to hook up with me and I finally just told him it will never work.
For one, he stated he was divorced and not ready for a relationship, he wanted to go with the flow and I need more than that.
Secondly, I saw how he used his super powers (his psychology degree) for evil. I can't stand a manipulative man who thinks that he's smarter than I am. He even told he's not used to a woman that can keep up with him mentally but liked that I could.
My red flags went up because I knew it would be a constant power struggle and constant mind games.
I just couldn't subject myself to that. 
I have dealt with a lot of loss in the past two years. My mother being the BIGGEST loss! So losing someone who doesn't have sincere interest in me is NOTHING! (I will explain that in the second part of this post when I get to my current situation.) I am tired of giving my all to people just to get such a small portion back.
I won't let it break my spirit. My mom was heartbroken by her first marriage, bounced back and married my dad.  So her spirit in in me. I miss her, especially now. She's not here to listen to me discuss my disappointments and be my shoulder through this fiasco I call my  love life.
She certainly would have some encouraging words for me to help me muddle through all of this. 
Since she's not,  I have to tough it out and get through it until he arrives.
I take lessons from everyone. I still haven't learned to listen to the No's however. 
I still think that my heart can win someone over. I think I can show them that whatever they went through in love, I can erase it and make it better. 
I still think that the good in me will make people want to show me the good in them.
 I still think that there is good in people even when they mean me no good.
I still think I am too optimistic when there is not positive in the situation. 
I am STILL growing.
I am STILL learning,
I am STILL healing.
Most importantly, I am STILL STANDING!

Letting Go

"You made me happy this you can bet

Stood right beside me and I won't forget

I really love you, you should know

I want to make sure I'm right before I let go

We had our good times that's not the same

We're hurting each other girl it's s shame

I won't be foolish I've got to know

I want to make sure I'm right before I let go."

It's ironic that this Maze featuring Frankie Beverly is one of my favorite songs.
It wasn't until recently that I took the words of the song to heart and truly thought about what they meant.

As a matter of fact it was the day before Valentine's Day, and I was thinking of someone who I would have loved to have spent the following day with, but realized it was time to just let that go.

As a woman, I tend to try to make things happen in a relationship that's failing or failed that simply WON'T!  It's not wanting to fail, fear of rejection, being exactly sure that I am right about letting go before I do and a barrage of things.

What I DO know is, that if it doesn't fit, don't force it! I do know that holding onto someone who doesn't deserve you, who can't get past your past mistakes or you, theirs, or who is straddling the fence on where you all stand is not beneficial to YOU!

The person you need to look out for needs to always be you FIRST! Yes, I know it sounds a mite selfish but if you don't do it, who will?
As women, we do tend to put the needs of others well before ours. We don't typically get that in return. This vicious cycle continues and we end up doing what? Refusing to let go!

"We were so close I love your charm, 

ooh I can't understand it, no

Where did we go wrong?

I won't be askin', girl 

I've got to know

I gotta make sure I'm right...

Before I let go."

You can let go of the ideas you have of someone and the relationship you think you should have with them and just let it be what it is. I am not, by any means, saying that you should settle. Sometimes you just enjoy that person for who they are and you know it will never be more than you have right then and there. And that's perfectly fine too. Just know not to expect him to put a ring on it, even if he does like it!

I have also learned that I have to let go of the notion that just because someone is mature doesn't mean that as far as relationships, we are on the same page. We tend to think that as we enter our 40s and are unmarried and/or childless, life as we know it is over. That's definitely something we need to let go of! More and more women in their 40s are settling down, getting married and having babies. Look at Madonna and Halle Berry. Yes, I know they are rich, but their money has nothing to do with their 40+ and 50+ year old uterus!

I am guilty as all hell of hanging on for familiarity and because I am content. Being content with something not meant for us holds us back for the person who truly IS meant for us! That's the WRONG kind of comfort zone to be in! I am sure I said it's unhealthy too before, right?

It's okay to say, "It was fun while it lasted ..." and go on about your business. I am finding myself making that choice as well. You can like that person, like how they look, like how they make you feel (when they make you feel good) and they still simply not be "the one". It simply is what it is!

I am at the point in my life where random texts when either of us in the the mood to deal with the other, hearing from someone days after I contact them or if at all is not my cup of tea. Call me Kermit!

I need communication, a real connection, and real companionship. I just can't settle for whatever it is someone wants to give me. I deserve far more than that and I have earned far more than that. I conduct myself as a woman who is worth more so I expect more. Hell, I REQUIRE more! Any woman who knows her worth should. I certainly know mine.

Seasons change and people change. The saying about people coming into your life for a season are the truest words EVER! I am fine with that. Just like you clean out your closet and rid yourself of the winter clothes in the summer we should do the same in our personal lives. Everything is not worth keeping and cluttering up your life. It may have value but do you REALLY NEED it? Does it bring value to YOU? Does it fit in your life anymore?

And as I have matured over the years, I still had some growing to do, I have finally learned to let go peacefully. I can get mad and fly off the handle and be pretty ugly with my words. I am opting not to do that. I learned lessons from that. Every ending doesn't HAVE to be a bad one. Sometimes things just..end.

Consistenly Inconsistent

Inner-resting ...this came from a male.

*raises hands in surrender* 

Don't shoot the messenger, fellas! I am only quoting one of YOUR counterparts. I do, however, completely agree.

As always, I was discussing things with one of my best friends, who is also dating, and this was something we both stated we despised. She told me to tell y'all, "What she said!" In reference to this posting since she's agreeing with me.

If there is one things women in any relationship hate is inconsistency! Let us define it for those who know not what they do.

inconsistency

[in-kuh n-sis-tuh n-see] 

noun, plural inconsistencies for 2.

1.

the quality or condition of being inconsistent.

2.

an inconsistent thing, action,remark, etc.

What stands out so much to me here is inconsistent action. Therein lies the problem! Inconsistency is hands down thee number one issue a lot of women I have spoken to about dating have complaints about! It goes hand in hand with the complaint about the art of conversation being lost.

I, for one cannot stand it when a man shifts gears back and forth. It makes me hesitant to take them seriously, hesitant to trust them and most certainly hesitant to commit to them. No woman walking this Earth has ever jumped to say she wants to hubby up an inconsistent man. Not one.
An inconsistent man speaks multitudes about other issues in his life.

He most definitely runs the risk of being inconsistent in other areas of importance.

For example, an inconsistent man poses a threat of being the type of man who can't consistently keep a job, pay the bills or keep food on the table.

These are basic everyday things in life.

A man who is not consistent in how he communicates or how frequently he communicates is another sore spot. Sporadic calls, random texts, or an lol under our pics doesn't mean you  are consistent in communication just because you do it all the time.

If communication, which is a huge part of how we make it through life, is a problem, how can he hold down a solid relationship with a decent woman? 

Inconsistency is a surefire sign to women that they are being strung along as well. Going back and forth from one behavior and emotion to another certainly doesn't make a woman feel secure or have confidence that a man is being 100 with them. From my personal experience, this has ALWAYS been the case.

If he knows exactly what he wants today, then he should want the same thing tomorrow whether that's good or bad. The problem with inconsistency is you never know WHAT the man really wants and at any given time it can switch up. I can only equate it to walking a tightrope on a gusty day, and while you have a safety net, it has holes in various spots throughout it.

Some of these guys are really great guys who are smart and have great personalities. You want to giv. them chances, butg the emotional roller coasters and merry-go-rounds are too much! No one wants to be taken for a ride. At some point when women see they are on one, they are going to want to get off no matter how much they like the ride operator. 

Fellas,  good or bad, we appreciate knowing one way or the other. We just respect the truth. Period. 

Women take a chance and lay it on the line for you guys all the time. It's high time you started reciprocating. I know I have put my feelings out there, and it's not always been the result I wanted but it beat the back and forth that inconsistency causes.

Fellas, women have been through worse and bounced back. If you're not feeling us, it may sting momentarily but it's much better than finding out much later.

Women truly do appreciate solidity. Would you prefer a strong foundation to stand on or shaky ground? Which would YOU choose? 

Now let's define consistent for those who DO know what they are doing.

Consistent

con·sist·ent

kənˈsistənt/

adjective

(of a person, behavior, or process) unchanging in achievement or effect over a period of time.

synonyms: constant, regular, uniform, steady, stable, even, unchanging, undeviating, unfluctuating; More

compatible or in agreement with something

synonyms: compatible with, congruous with, consonant with, in tune with, in line with, reconcilable with; not containing any logical contradictions.

What stood out for me here was:  constant, regular, uniform, steady, stable, even, unchanging, undeviating, unfluctuating; and in tune with, in line with, reconcilable with; not containing any logical contradictions.

No contradictions. Unchanging. Unfluctuating. Stable. Constant. 

If you ask any woman she would pick at least two of those adjectives to describe what she looks for in a relationship. If your behavior doesn't dictate any of these things, fellas, you're doing it wrong!