Missing You

I will say, without a doubt, I am heartbroken! 

And no, it's NOT because of my dating life.

I know you all are used to my random posts about my love(less) life but this one is for my best friend.

On June 8th, she died.

Yes, you read it right; this smart, beautiful, kind, sweet, young lady died.

She was 42.

If you're surprised because she was so young, that makes TWO of us!

Yes, I know young people and people younger than her die every day but they aren't my best friends of 28 years so it doesn't affect me.

I know, I know; that's selfish of me but I admit this openly, I want her back!

I didn't get to say goodbye and I'm hurt and I'm angry.

It's NOT fair!

I'm not over it in the LEAST!

I know I am not supposed to question God at all and He knows fully what He is doing so who do I think I am right?

I..am..human!

Not to say God isn't because we were created in his image, but God gets to be with my best friend every day and now, I don't!

Honestly, I feel some type of way about it.

THIS, writing, is how I express things so forgive me if I seem self centered.

I'm grieving her so for a little bit, I'm going to be.

I don't want to mar her memory with my own feelings and my venting.

So, I'll speak of the good she brought in my life.

I met her at 15.

She was this quiet, red gyal and I of course felt like she needed protecting so that's what I did.

We had some not so nice assmates (yeah, I meant to say assmates because they were!) and I wasn't having ANY of it.

She didn't deserve that.

I was always the one who was over protective of my friends and probably always will be.

Blame my Aries nature.

She was smart, quiet and sweet. I was smart, loud and mean. Perfect combo!

We clicked instantly and became lifelong friends.

We went through puberty, young adulthood and almost made it through our middle ages.

I FULLY expected us to see old age. It wasn't to be.

• She convinced me to go back to college
• she convinced me to buy a Beetle (even though this one was a lemon)
• She told me where to go to get my first apartment (she moved in RIGHT behind me)
• I was in the car with her for my first car accident
• she taught me how to do bond in hair, and microwave ponytails
• I am fluent in Patois because of her
• I first tried all my Jamaican dishes in life and fell in love with the food because of her and her late mother
• She taught me to put colored contacts over my clear prescription ones (that was SUCH a bad idea but that's what best friends are for!)

I could go on and on as memories flood back constantly like they have since she died.

She hasn't left my mind day or night since she died.

I know it's because I wasn't prepared.

See, when my momma died, although I wasn't fully prepared, I knew it was coming.

It doesn't hurt any less now but it gets easier.

I had no CLUE a loss this great was coming and I am still in disbelief.

I still haven't processed it completely even though I was at her funeral.

Her birthday is today.

The pics I posted was from one of the many birthdays we shared.

She was SO happy!

As a matter of fact, she named herself Happy.

She told me if she spoke it into existence, it would be.

So Happy we called her.

I am now short one bridesmaid for the wedding I am going to have one day. I didn't get to be one at hers that she was planning.

My future 2nd child didn't get to become her Godchild.

I know how C.C. felt in Beaches now.

Every time I watch that movie I cry and I'm glad it wasn't MY best friend.

Now it is.

There's nothing I can do about it either.

It makes me feel so powerless.

I can say her death has prompted me to do some things I had been meaning to.

Things I know she would have been a cheerleader for.

She was already a cheerleader behind everything else I did, especially my recent weight loss.

She embodied loyalty.

 I don't have the answers but I do know life is not as long for some as it is for others.

While we're here we HAVE to make sure we live out our dreams.

Don't start things and don't finish, especially if it's going to improve my life.

Take risks even if it means rejection; somebody will say yes.

Only do things that make you happy, not what makes others happy!

Life is too short and the time we have here can be gone at any moment.

LIVE!

I miss her EVERY DAY! I don't expect that to change because missing momma hasn't changed.

I just have to tell myself any suffering she felt mentally, emotionally and physically is over because it is.

Her life is over but THAT part of her life is too!

So, I lost my best friend but I gained an angel and for that part of this all, I am forever grateful!

I Really Love My Momma

She's my favorite girl! She was sweet, kind, endearing, sentimental, honest, caring, nurturing, a great cook, hospitable, Godfearing, and the best mother anyone could ask for. She was a great wife, mother, homemaker, sister, Aunt and cousin. You couldn't ask for better! We sent her off beautifully. Too bad some of the people she was kindest to weren't there to join in her homegoing celebration.
And her dying showed me a lot about people. It was people closest to her that didn't come to see her off and I am angry. I know people can't drop everything and life goes on. Some had valid reasons, others had no valid reason to me. If you're sick, injured, had a major life event (marriage, graduation, a birth) or one of your family members was, I get it. But my momma was a beautiful lady who was selfless and the best friend anyone could ask for. That wasn't based on convenience, that was from her heart. So, that should have been returned to her in death as well. I am not firing shots, my momma wouldn't want that, but my momma knows I don't bite my tongue and I am gonna keep it 100. I learned that by watching her be honest my entire life. But that's not my cross to bear, I will let that be theirs.
I appreciated those who went out of their way. She would have done the same. I can't thank them enough. They were Godsends in our greatest time of need. And I won't forget the good they did and continue to do.
My mother's passing showed me a lot about people close to me outside my family and I see things a lot clearer than before. It puts things into perspective for me. And it makes me take off my blinders, take people off pedestals and rethink my strategy. I know the woman my mother taught me I should be to make a good woman. That I am, and if it's not reciprocal, then it's time to let the chips fall where they may. It is what it is.
My mother's demise is going to make me grind harder, strive to be a better mother, finish these degrees and stick to my pursuit of my dreams. To be like her would be an honor.
I had my differences with her at times but never fell out with her. We didn't see eye to eye on everything but parents and adult children often don't. But at the end of the day, I loved that lady and that lady loved me. And it showed to the end. As sick and weak as she was near her last days, she stood and gave me the biggest hug and I needed that. I really needed that from her. She must have sensed it. I am glad she was able to before she passed. I will always carry that with me as I will carry all the life lessons she taught me. She was my comforter, my best friend, my idol and my role model. She was my mom for my 40 (she deserved 40 times as many years) years on Earth but will forever be my mom in Heaven.
Sleep in peace my Angel, Mrs. Neta Bertha Bell Scruggs, you will be forever loved and forever missed!