As some of you may well know, I took a six-year hiatus on dating. I became a single mother, I lived in a really small, cliquish one horse town, I knew I would be moving away from there soon and was (and I still am) focused on my daughter and working.
It wasn't until I moved here to the Atlanta area that I decided to give dating a whirl.
This has been....I am trying to think of one word to describe it accurately...
Well, honestly, I can't. So I am going to just describe it how I feel.
And let me just say that if you're someone I dated and you're reading this and you get offended, honestly, I don't really give a fuck.
That is MY flaw, this brutal honesty, and I own that.
I am working on toning it down. But that won't be today so suck it easy! It's not like any of us are TRULY friends, although had there been some honesty on YOUR part we could have been.
I am working on toning it down. But that won't be today so suck it easy! It's not like any of us are TRULY friends, although had there been some honesty on YOUR part we could have been.
I have friends here. As a matter of fact my best friend is here. I have been asked why they don't hook me up."
Honestly, I don't really like or expect my friends to set me up. Unfortunately, while they are really awesome, they are single too, this isn't the era my parents were in when in their dating years (actually, by this age (41) my mom and dad had been married almost 20 years) and people just don't do the matchmaking thing anymore. It sucks really though because your friends are the best judge of characters aside from yourself, and they are on the outside looking in.
They see flaws we miss because we have our blinders on. They know us and know who we would be a good match for. However, if they are having their own struggles, it's hard for them to really push theirs aside for mine. I get it and I am not offended.
Honestly, I don't really like or expect my friends to set me up. Unfortunately, while they are really awesome, they are single too, this isn't the era my parents were in when in their dating years (actually, by this age (41) my mom and dad had been married almost 20 years) and people just don't do the matchmaking thing anymore. It sucks really though because your friends are the best judge of characters aside from yourself, and they are on the outside looking in.
They see flaws we miss because we have our blinders on. They know us and know who we would be a good match for. However, if they are having their own struggles, it's hard for them to really push theirs aside for mine. I get it and I am not offended.
But I digress.
This experience for me has been full of dishonesty, selfishness, secrecy, disappointment and hurt.
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I give it freely once I decide to give it and I expect the same. I don't fall in love easily (and I am not currently in love) and haven't been in love in almost a decade.
The last person I was in love with has been with the woman he had after me for almost as long. I admit I screwed that up royally and I still kick myself over it. He was an awesome guy then and still is now but I wasn't smart enough to see it then. He's still a great friend to me to this day (you see how that works?).
Just because I am not in love doesn't mean I don't love.
I can love you for your personality, your sense of humor, how smart you are, your sense of adventure...or simply for just being you!
I don't require much either. I require, honesty, a giving and caring person and someone open with nothing to hide. I like a smart man, a driven man and a man willing to be serious about me.
It's been almost a year. I haven't had ANY combination of those things in a person I dated.
Don't get me wrong, it's only been two I "dated" and the others were false starts, which is NOT to be translated to sex. It wasn't. Hell, we didn't get that far!
My first experience started off pleasant. He was a church going guy, very much into music and attractive. I blogged about that experience here.
Well I want to say that I could have taken that as a sign but I like to be optimistic. I am a bit of a hopeless romantic and I feel find WILL find the one so I definitely didn't let that deter me. He wasn't honest with me, he was either too busy or already involved (after he added me on Facebook I noticed a chick that seemed to linger around a lot so I kind of put two and two together) and I didn't fit into the scheme of things. I took that L and kept it pushing.
My second experience started off great. This dude seemed really interested but he was pushing for a meeting too fast and I was hesitant. That was my gut instinct telling me to be cautious and next time I will go with it.
We finally meet and he's very attractive, sweet, attentive and has his ducks in a row as far as what meets the eye. I even felt comfortable enough to bring him around my family but NOT as my man. It was just friendship.
Well, he pulled a disappearing act for two weeks and randomly popped back up expecting me not to have questions or an issue with that.
That was NOT cool! If he felt that things were getting too heavy and he wasn't ready, he should filled ME in on that! I assumed he used me for a space filler and that the interest I developed wasn't genuinely reciprocated. Of course I had sense enough to ASK what he wanted, however what he said and what he did were two TOTALLY different things.
That sucked because the trust I had for him went out the window. I no longer took him seriously. His disappearing was a habit and happened several times in the months we "dated". Finally, he just flaked out on me TWICE at a time I had an emergency with my car and with my daughter and I was done!
I at least told him so he knew to delete my number and not bother randomly hitting me up at time I assume, he was between women or bored with the one he may have had or whatever he has going on. It wasn't worth devoting the energy to find out.
There was another dude I was digging after that. Really smart, attractive and had great conversation.
Honestly, I don't know why we didn't become good friends at the very least.
I tried. I genuinely tried to at least be friends with him but when he went out to lounges or events, he NEVER included me despite me having expressed interest numerous times in going.
I definitely wasn't trying to copblock or make my presence known as his chick cuz I wasn't nor did I remotely think that. I just thought he was a cool dude and would be fun to hang out with.
After hitting someone up and asking what they are doing so many tines and learning they are out with friends, you get the picture they don't or WON'T be considering you one. I let it go.
No hard feelings but maybe I was in my feelings about the slight or what I felt was a slight. He wasn't a bad dude to me but it just wasn't in the cards for us to be friends or otherwise.
It is what it is.
So now onto the gentleman and the scholar. Actually, scholar, yes, gentleman, NO!
This guy was pushy from the gate. He is highly intelligent and established. Physically I wasn't attracted to him because he is the spitting image of someone who I consider family. The attraction wasn't there.
I decided to finally go out with him EVEN THOUGH I didn't feel comfortable. He was just pushy and always upset because I wouldn't go out with him when HE wanted me to.
I thought maybe I was just being difficult because I hate when people try to control me. Blame the Aries in me. So against my better judgment, I decided to go.
The ENTIRE date he bashed every guy I had spoken of dating. I just spoke of my past experience in life as a whole. This man used his PhD in psychology to analyze every bit of information (which wasn't much because I didn't need to spill all my personal business with him) I had given him about my past dating experiences. I am 41. I have been dating since I was 20. Now you all KNOW I did NOT tell this man about 20 years of dating! I didn't even tell him details of my dates before him. I just said I wasn't on the same page with the ones I have met since I moved. THAT WAS IT!
This dude tries to get detailed information from me regarding WHY it didn't work. I immediately knew it was to try to manipulate me and use psychology on me so I can bend to HIS will.
You gotta be quicker than that!
When that failed miserably, he thought that pushing up on me in a parking lot, trying to shove his hand into my vagina and propositioning me to go to the hotel across the street would do it.
Surely a woman whom he NEVER had a sexual conversation with MUST want to suddenly sleep with him right?
WRONG!
I declined. He proceeded to try to hook up with me and I finally just told him it will never work.
For one, he stated he was divorced and not ready for a relationship, he wanted to go with the flow and I need more than that.
Secondly, I saw how he used his super powers (his psychology degree) for evil. I can't stand a manipulative man who thinks that he's smarter than I am. He even told he's not used to a woman that can keep up with him mentally but liked that I could.
My red flags went up because I knew it would be a constant power struggle and constant mind games.
I just couldn't subject myself to that.
I have dealt with a lot of loss in the past two years. My mother being the BIGGEST loss! So losing someone who doesn't have sincere interest in me is NOTHING! (I will explain that in the second part of this post when I get to my current situation.) I am tired of giving my all to people just to get such a small portion back.
I won't let it break my spirit. My mom was heartbroken by her first marriage, bounced back and married my dad. So her spirit in in me. I miss her, especially now. She's not here to listen to me discuss my disappointments and be my shoulder through this fiasco I call my love life.
She certainly would have some encouraging words for me to help me muddle through all of this.
Since she's not, I have to tough it out and get through it until he arrives.
I take lessons from everyone. I still haven't learned to listen to the No's however.
I still think that my heart can win someone over. I think I can show them that whatever they went through in love, I can erase it and make it better.
I still think that the good in me will make people want to show me the good in them.
I still think that there is good in people even when they mean me no good.
I still think I am too optimistic when there is not positive in the situation.
I am STILL growing.
I am STILL learning,
I am STILL healing.
Most importantly, I am STILL STANDING!
My first experience started off pleasant. He was a church going guy, very much into music and attractive. I blogged about that experience here.
Well I want to say that I could have taken that as a sign but I like to be optimistic. I am a bit of a hopeless romantic and I feel find WILL find the one so I definitely didn't let that deter me. He wasn't honest with me, he was either too busy or already involved (after he added me on Facebook I noticed a chick that seemed to linger around a lot so I kind of put two and two together) and I didn't fit into the scheme of things. I took that L and kept it pushing.
My second experience started off great. This dude seemed really interested but he was pushing for a meeting too fast and I was hesitant. That was my gut instinct telling me to be cautious and next time I will go with it.
We finally meet and he's very attractive, sweet, attentive and has his ducks in a row as far as what meets the eye. I even felt comfortable enough to bring him around my family but NOT as my man. It was just friendship.
Well, he pulled a disappearing act for two weeks and randomly popped back up expecting me not to have questions or an issue with that.
That was NOT cool! If he felt that things were getting too heavy and he wasn't ready, he should filled ME in on that! I assumed he used me for a space filler and that the interest I developed wasn't genuinely reciprocated. Of course I had sense enough to ASK what he wanted, however what he said and what he did were two TOTALLY different things.
That sucked because the trust I had for him went out the window. I no longer took him seriously. His disappearing was a habit and happened several times in the months we "dated". Finally, he just flaked out on me TWICE at a time I had an emergency with my car and with my daughter and I was done!
I at least told him so he knew to delete my number and not bother randomly hitting me up at time I assume, he was between women or bored with the one he may have had or whatever he has going on. It wasn't worth devoting the energy to find out.
There was another dude I was digging after that. Really smart, attractive and had great conversation.
Honestly, I don't know why we didn't become good friends at the very least.
I tried. I genuinely tried to at least be friends with him but when he went out to lounges or events, he NEVER included me despite me having expressed interest numerous times in going.
I definitely wasn't trying to copblock or make my presence known as his chick cuz I wasn't nor did I remotely think that. I just thought he was a cool dude and would be fun to hang out with.
After hitting someone up and asking what they are doing so many tines and learning they are out with friends, you get the picture they don't or WON'T be considering you one. I let it go.
No hard feelings but maybe I was in my feelings about the slight or what I felt was a slight. He wasn't a bad dude to me but it just wasn't in the cards for us to be friends or otherwise.
It is what it is.
So now onto the gentleman and the scholar. Actually, scholar, yes, gentleman, NO!
This guy was pushy from the gate. He is highly intelligent and established. Physically I wasn't attracted to him because he is the spitting image of someone who I consider family. The attraction wasn't there.
I decided to finally go out with him EVEN THOUGH I didn't feel comfortable. He was just pushy and always upset because I wouldn't go out with him when HE wanted me to.
I thought maybe I was just being difficult because I hate when people try to control me. Blame the Aries in me. So against my better judgment, I decided to go.
The ENTIRE date he bashed every guy I had spoken of dating. I just spoke of my past experience in life as a whole. This man used his PhD in psychology to analyze every bit of information (which wasn't much because I didn't need to spill all my personal business with him) I had given him about my past dating experiences. I am 41. I have been dating since I was 20. Now you all KNOW I did NOT tell this man about 20 years of dating! I didn't even tell him details of my dates before him. I just said I wasn't on the same page with the ones I have met since I moved. THAT WAS IT!
This dude tries to get detailed information from me regarding WHY it didn't work. I immediately knew it was to try to manipulate me and use psychology on me so I can bend to HIS will.
You gotta be quicker than that!
When that failed miserably, he thought that pushing up on me in a parking lot, trying to shove his hand into my vagina and propositioning me to go to the hotel across the street would do it.
Surely a woman whom he NEVER had a sexual conversation with MUST want to suddenly sleep with him right?
WRONG!
I declined. He proceeded to try to hook up with me and I finally just told him it will never work.
For one, he stated he was divorced and not ready for a relationship, he wanted to go with the flow and I need more than that.
Secondly, I saw how he used his super powers (his psychology degree) for evil. I can't stand a manipulative man who thinks that he's smarter than I am. He even told he's not used to a woman that can keep up with him mentally but liked that I could.
My red flags went up because I knew it would be a constant power struggle and constant mind games.
I just couldn't subject myself to that.
I have dealt with a lot of loss in the past two years. My mother being the BIGGEST loss! So losing someone who doesn't have sincere interest in me is NOTHING! (I will explain that in the second part of this post when I get to my current situation.) I am tired of giving my all to people just to get such a small portion back.
I won't let it break my spirit. My mom was heartbroken by her first marriage, bounced back and married my dad. So her spirit in in me. I miss her, especially now. She's not here to listen to me discuss my disappointments and be my shoulder through this fiasco I call my love life.
She certainly would have some encouraging words for me to help me muddle through all of this.
Since she's not, I have to tough it out and get through it until he arrives.
I take lessons from everyone. I still haven't learned to listen to the No's however.
I still think that my heart can win someone over. I think I can show them that whatever they went through in love, I can erase it and make it better.
I still think that the good in me will make people want to show me the good in them.
I still think that there is good in people even when they mean me no good.
I still think I am too optimistic when there is not positive in the situation.
I am STILL growing.
I am STILL learning,
I am STILL healing.
Most importantly, I am STILL STANDING!
