Thinking Back, Looking Ahead: 2017 Year End Review

Basically, this last blog of 2017 will be the list of things I feel I learned or grew from.

My life is serene but serenity doesn't mean nothing is going on nor does it mean my life is fulfilled.

I am content but in the New Year, I plan to get all out of my comfort zone.

I have been in my safe place for far too long.

For now, I will go over some of the things that made my 2017 what it was.

• First, I lost 105 pounds! - After my Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy, I shed 105. I had to change my eating by force and I worked out. I did well! If I never lose another pound, I will be content. I lost a significant amount of weight and I am happy! I DEFINITELY plan to continue on this journey in life from 2018 and beyond!
• God is Good - All the time; all the time God is good! I found a new church home! I love it! It gives me a sense of peace and I actually LOVE going! It took me a long time to get back in touch with God and I am glad I did! I know my momma is smiling down on me!
• One Hot Momma - I am still parenting alone. Yes, the door of co-parenting is wide open but I cannot MAKE anyone do anything that is not in their heart. Anyone can say they love a child but if you are not building bonds with that child and making sure that child needs are met emotionally, mentally, physically and financially, your love is conditional. I love my child unconditionally! Period! 
• I started dating again - I am taking my time. I have not met anybody significant, Hell, I haven't even been on a date!  A LOT of these dudes in Atlanta play too many games. However, I know I asked God for a soulmate and I have NO DOUBT he will deliver. I was specific in my prayers and I am working on being the perfect soulmate for him, whoever he may be. I will NOT lower my standards, I will NOT settle and nothing anyone says will EVER make me question my worth SIMPLY because I am single. It's far too many people who think it's okay to bash a woman for it, act like everything she is discontent about reverts back to her singleness and that her main focus is getting a man. That's ignorance and narrow-mindedness and it REALLY HAS TO STOP! Who God has for me is for me and when he sends him, I will know!
• Work, Werk, Wurq, Wurk - I decided to make a career out of my job. This means I am looking to move around the company and I found a home there. I am pursuing higher positions and perfecting my current skill set to be able to advance easily.
• Moving Mountains - Someone told me that if they were me they would be in a panic because I am not making the money THEY feel I should.. Funny, they make a lot but it seems they have nothing to show for it. I am not going to panic when I have plans set in motion to advance. I will NOT panic when I trust in God and put it in his hands. He has taken seen me through the worst (losing my momma was the worst thing I ever felt!) and I came out UNSCATHED! I trust His will and no matter whatever else I go through I KNOW GOD GOT ME!

So in a short nutshell, that was my 2017! I am sure I missed a few things but those were THEE most significant things I learned and grew from. Life is a road and I plan to travel down that road as I please, how I please and at the pace I please! 

Happy New Year! #2018andbeyond

Why You Gotta be so Insecure?

I discuss insecurity when dating, throw a lil' shade and talk about this dudes' misogynistic and chauvinistic behavior when talking to me!

Swapping Adjectives

All too often when a woman,  especially a Black woman,  expresses her discontent with something,  we are saddled with the word bitter.
This is especially true of unwed, single mothers in my age group.
It's like we aren't free to express our dissatisfaction with ANYTHING or ANYONE,  especially the brothas,  without wearing that label.
That is an ill-conceived notion.
I honestly don't know a group of women who have had a tougher time in life than the Black woman.
That's nor to discredit white women and other women of color.
That's NOT what I'm saying by any means.
I can't speak on any other experiences other than that of a Black woman because that's what I am.
However,  I do know what I see.
One stark example that we're STILL NOT considered equal would be the fact that we're THEE MOST educated group yet if our resume has a name like Tamisha versus Jennifer (yes, I know several Black Jennifers),  guess who's more than likely getting called back first,  despite the résumé's content?
I've seen positions I qualified for be filled by white women with nothing going on upstairs when I wasn't even interviewed.
No,  I'm NOT paranoid;  this is STILL happening to this day!
However,  that's one example and honestly it's NOT what prompts people to call us bitter.
You know what does prompt that?;  Our relationship status.
Yes,  our relationship status has been the center of a LOT of disrespect to Black women.
Especially women over a certain age.
Especially Black women of a certain age who are single mothers.
There's an ENTIRE YouTube channel run by a Black male COMPLETELY focused on his disdain for Black women, but ESPECIALLY single mothers.
He has a huge following and sad to say they are mostly bitter Black men who are just as jaded as he is.
It is tough to see that much hatred of us from our own as much as we hold them down.
It's a slap in the face.
It turns out he had a kid he wasn't taking care of all this time,  he produced out of wedlock AND was on child support for!
Go fucking figure!
Yesterday,  I was talking to a 42 year old man (you'll see why I mentioned his age later).
We had been having phone conversations and texting when we couldn't talk.
We were really building a good rapport.
Or so I thought.
Anyway,  we're conversing and he said,  and I quote, "I was talking to this woman with four kids who had the nerve to say that she was going to wait on marriage before she had sex again. I told her ain't no man gone out up with that!"
I was taken aback by the boldness in his statement!
So naturally,  I questioned the validity of his statement.
What the Hell does he mean she had "the nerve"?
What was wrong with what she said?  So the conversation proceeded like this:

Me: Well,  why can't she choose what she wants to do with her body?
Him: Because she has FOUR kids!  Ain't no man gone put up with that!
Me: So wait,  because she has four kids she can't choose not to have sex outside of marriage now?
Him: That's not what I'm saying but she has four kids so that means it could have been four,  three or maybe even one man but she has FOUR kids.
Me: So the amount of kids she has determines if she can change her ways and morals, if we're assuming she has bad ways and no morals, and decide to wait for marriage before having sex again?
Him: I'm not saying that. I'm just saying no man is going to put up with that.
Me: Then explain it because you are basically saying she doesn't have a right to make that decision because she has four kids!
Him: That's not what I'm saying but ain't no man gonna put up with that!  A lot of other women agreed with me when I told them. They said the same thing! Ain't no man gonna put up with that.
Me: Then I wouldn't consider that a man; I would consider that a boy!
Him: We're two different people!
*He disconnects the call*

I was FLOORED!
Did this dude just hang up in my face because I disagreed?!
HOW CHILDISH!
He said he WASN'T saying she didn't have a right but that's EXACTLY what he was saying!
Well,  of COURSE we're two different people!
Men are from Mars,  women are from Venus but that doesn't negate the fact that you just said a woman,  especially a woman with children,  doesn't have a right to choose what she does with her body as long as man has a problem with it!
I am not a feminist,  however,THAT was total bullshit! 
This woman's value,  respectability and moral choices are being disregarded by the fact that she has four children.
That spoke VOLUMES for his character!
Women agreeing with him spoke volumes with how single Black women are viewing their worth also.
It shouldn't be a woman alive that would agree with that statement.
Then again, this is a rape culture we're living in.
Lack of respect for women's choices NOT to have sex start SOMEWHERE!
I'm NEVER going to agree with some chauvinist rhetoric like he was spewing!
Ever!
Not to be agreeable so I can have a man,  to side with him to get on his good side or to appear submissive.
That's simply NOT the way to go about it!
I don't mind being alone if that's what will have to put up with!
I don't know why it's okay to say these things and treat women this way for some men but it's NOT right!
I just know that when I put in my prayer  request to God for a soul mate, the things I have been enduring surely aren't on that list!
Respect for me as a woman,  a Black woman and a Black woman who is a single mother is at the very top of my list!
Respect, humility, being considerate and appreciation for me are top factors in my choice of a mate.
I have surely been met with disrespect,  cockiness and taking FULL advantage of my feelings (for them and in general)  since I reentered the dating world.
I definitely have NOT met my soul mate!
I imagine,  no,  I KNOW, many of my counterparts have not either.
These are GREAT women who require more and definitely DESERVE more.
Women, who like myself, desire to date and marry Black men (no shade to the sistahs that don't),  but can't even get respected by them!
I hope to see a change in the way we're treated because my faith in how society as a whole treats us is shaky, but the brothas aren't very reassuring that society is completely WRONG!

Maybe labeling us bitter isn't the best thing to do and it's FAR from fair!
We have been let down by our men and looked down upon by others for CENTURIES, yet we remain intelligent, loyal, patient, understanding and resilient!
We deserve a lot more credit than we are given and the MAIN people that should be holding us down our the brothas!
Period, point, blank!
WE AREN'T BITTER!  WE'RE JUST DISAPPOINTED! 

Lazy AF Dating

Yes,  you read it correctly;
I meant to say Lazy As Fuck Dating.
You all,  who've read my past postings know I am (well,  trying to be,  kinda sorta)  in the dating world.
I am not alone amongst my circle of friends in said dating world.
I have had a chance to speak to quite a few of them in regards to their experience.
Their experiences were very similar if not the same as mine.

The guys making attempts to date them are L-A-Z-Y!

I've heard and seen this (screenshots provide further evidence of how real the struggle is) occurring across social media amongst my peers as well. 
Take into account these infractions are occurring online on dating apps and sites and social media (people often make attempts to date people through Facebook, Instagram and other sites as well)

Take into account Exhibit A:

Carrying the conversation

Fellas,  unless we're in it for the sex,  most of us want someone we can talk to. 

You all KNOW women like to talk so if you ever plan to get far enough with one who's looking for something deeper, no pun intended, then you MUST be able to hold a decent conversation! 

Why are we starting AND carrying the conversation?
There is NO WAY we should strike up a conversation and get hit with a dry ass, "Hi."!
Damn, he was too lazy to throw an exclamation point on the Hi to at least sound enthused? 
You should be able to fully articulate and with the abundance of topics in the world to discuss, you should be able to talk about anything and everything, and everything and nothing

Giving Up the Digits

Shooting your number after saying hello doesn't make me want to call you!  We haven't had ANY dialogue! 
I also don't want to have a million conversations via in boxing on a website either. 
If you're genuinely interested in a woman, get her number. 
After the first message,  no, don't ask for her number. 
It seems like you're rushing things and just about every woman I spoke to said this makes them leery! 
All we did was match each other and I already have your number? 
So,  do you do this with ALL your matches? 
Not that whoever else you're speaking to is of a concern to me,  but I wonder if you have ANY discretion since just anybody can have your number. 
However,  if we have a good dialogue built up,  it's natural to want to know more about the person. 
Personally, I REFUSE to get to know someone via text messages and DMs! 
I will not do it! 
Too much can be misconstrued via text! 
We want to know that you can hold a decent conversation and keep us mentally stimulated.
Oh,  please,  don't let that conversation be filled with ways you can physically stimulate us either!

Asking a Woman To Chill

Ahhhh,  the good ol' reliable Netflix and chill! 
This works for some. 
However, if you're dating with a purpose,  that's not an option when first meeting someone to which you have no
commitment. 
Even if she's just dating period,  why would she not want to go out to get a sense of the type of person you are? 
I'm not saying that you have to take her to a five star restaurant. 
I don't want to sit across from someone who I have zero chemistry with for a few hours either! 
I'm NOT that hard up for a meal! 
I also realize how little effort it takes to have a woman come to your home and all you've spent is 7.99 that month. 
It's not even how much you spent that's the problem;
It's the lack of trying that poses an issue.

              Poor Communication

A major complaint in the Lazy AF Dating is communication! 
Again,  trying to get to know a woman via text,  slow to no responses, not returning phone calls or the dreaded not answering but replying by text right after, or not hearing from you for DAYS on end is LAZY AS FUCK!
I cannot STAND a rude man!
I am ALWAYS going to speak up about it.
I am a lot less dismissive about some things, but this is a dealbreaker for me!
Even if I am not interested in someone I have the decency to reply back to them and be polite.
I consider their feelings and I know all too well what it feels like to have my time wasted.
I don't think anyone deserves that, who hasn't done anything to you.
I will be honest with them about it, so as not to waste their time.
Who wants to sit there calling someone, texting someone and pulling teeth to get them to respond to them?

I know with me, if I see you have the propensity to be inconsiderate to me, I am cutting my losses while I still have my pride. I refuse to be made a fool of!
Curving someone seems to be a trend going on from some dudes.
The issue with that is, I am NOT that chick!
I am not that chick that curved you in the past that you're mad at. Oh, BELIEVE me, the last person I dated said something similar to me when I asked why he did whatever he had done to hurt me. He actually said that it was done to him. So, I guess shit trickled downhill to me!
He later tried to backtrack and say he only said that because he was angry but that shit was the TRUTH!
I'm not about to be added to your list of holla back girls either.
You can't pick and choose when you talk to me.
That's not how this works; that's not how any of this works!

Putting Zero Creativity Into A Date

There are legit, entire sites that are full of good cheap dates. Pinterest is one of them!

There is LITERALLY no excuse for putting zero effort into making sure she has a good time.

I have been wanting to go on a picnic for a long time.

A VERY long time!

I expressed that to someone I was dating and for ten months he blew it off like it was nothing (take into consideration he was the same did that told me he did something hurtful to me because it was done to him).

I GAVE him the idea on a silver platter and he basically chose scraps.

I don't know why some fellas think we all want to go to fancy restaurants for every date.

That's very mundane and quite limited!

Think outside the box sometimes!

If you know any of her interests (if you cared enough to ask), it should NOT be hard to impress her! 

We're not as complicated as you think!

These are just like the basic ABCs of dating.

It's not even touching on relationship behaviors because it seems like it's hard to even get through the very bare necessities of dating to GET to a relationship and that's just sad.

The reason the divorce rate is lowering is because AIN'T NOBODY GETTING MARRIED! 

(You know it's serious when I break out in double negatives!)

Hell, if you can't get past dating how in the Hell are you walking down the aisle.

I am not so desperate to get married that I am putting up with lazy as fuck dating!

AIN'T NO WAY! (There those double negatives are again!)
While I do have lots of single friends, my married friends' husbands didn't have to be schooled on ANY of this when they were dating.
That's how they knew he was the one and a cut above the rest!

I am just NOT willing to do ALL the work!

He HAS to work with me!
I can work with a brotha and I have, but not one resting on his laurels and putting in zero effort to date me.
If fellas do the work they would see it's way easier than they make it out to be!
It's NOT a job but if you look at it that way, you'll dread it naturally.
Dating should NEVER be this frustrating for either party.
This is basically the easiest stage of any (impending) relationship!

Lazy AF dating really makes me consider closely WHO and HOW I am dating and thinking of the changes I need to implement.
I have standards and I am not settling for anything outside of those; even in dating.
Fellas will find that at this stage in the game, more and more women are doing more of the same.
I know that I have to be willing to take my leaps of faith and try some things outside the box myself (See my Celibacy: Not Getting Any or Not Giving Any post).
I know what I am worth, what I expect and what I need, and I can say with certainty, there's NOTHING lazy as fuck about it!

Chunky

I discuss being chunky even after weight loss surgery and my new faded cut

Celibacy: Not Getting Any or Not Giving Any?

Today, boys and girls, we are going to discuss celibacy!

Yay! This should be fun!

Just the other day my best friend and Jae I were discussing celibacy. 

She stated that she was talking to a guy who brazenly asked her when the last time she had sex was (as if that's ANY if his business).

Well she didn't give him a timeframe but she told him she is currently celibate.

This "gentleman" proceeded to ask her why and then tell her that he is free spirited and living his life and she should try it because it's so liberating.

I..was..floored!

Needless to say, so was she!

There were SEVERAL things wrong with his statement.

1.  It's NONE of his business WHY she chose celibacy
2. Just be cause she chose celibacy doesn't mean she is not liberated or living a full or satisfying life.
3.  His intent wasn't pure by any means! He just wanted her to be "liberated" with HIM!

I thought that was SO disrespectful to not see her celibacy as a decision she freely made. 

Unfortunately, many men and women feel that because the person THEY so desire is not sleeping with them at the moment they request they can't get any or are having a dry spell.

Well, if that was the case, wouldn't they jump at the chance to bed you?

There ARE people out here fully choosing to remain celibate.

It's not all about religion either.

However choosing NOT to create new Soul Ties to someone who you don't love, who doesn't love you and doesn't consider you a soul mate nor do you consider them a soul mate, can NEVER be a bad decision!

Being celibate doesn't make you any better or worse than anyone else in my opinion. You're just opting NOT to share a part of your body and soul with someone you feel isn't right for YOU! That doesn't make THEM a bad person either by the way. 

 I think people really have an issue with celibacy too because they get the impression that that person is angry or using sex as a weapon.

Sometimes people need to focus on themselves and not let anything cloud their minds.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to remain focused. At all!

I have been on a weight loss journey and a before that journey I was healing from a wound I got when I was run over by my car.

I was solely focused on healing, recovery and getting into the flow of my weight loss goals. Sex was THEE furthest from my mind.

So yes, people do find things more important than sex these days. Lot of people find lots of things more important than sex!

Don't get it twisted; sex can be AMAZING! I personally find it more amazing when I am head over heels in love with someone and I know they feel the same about me.

It's a double edged sword though because sex can be amazing if there is a really strong physical attraction without love too. Mentally and emotionally, however, I don't feel satisfied at the end of the day. Many people share this sentiment.

All I can really do is stick to the path I am trying to blaze.

I can't let any distractions veer me from it and get me unfocused.

I have prayed for my soulmate and he is out there.

I defeat the purpose of my prayers by not waiting for "him" and doing things backwards.

I have to trust the phttps://www.yahoo.com/news/eric-bolling-apos-19-old-183106051.htmlrocess.

For me, unfulfilling meaningless sex isn't part of MY process.
It defeats the whole purpose of my prayer as well.
It also seems as if I question faith, which I don't and don't plan to start.
I know I a doing the right thing for myself because I don't even feel like I am missing out on anything whatsoever physically.
I felt like I was missing out mentally, emotionally and spiritually before I decided to be celibate.
It wasn't a good feeling.
I don't have that feeling currently because there is no one taking parts of my soul anymore and no doing anything positive with it.
I don't feel used, drained or void of emotion.
I just hope my soulmate is out there doing as I am to improve himself for me as I am for him.

Missing You

I will say, without a doubt, I am heartbroken! 

And no, it's NOT because of my dating life.

I know you all are used to my random posts about my love(less) life but this one is for my best friend.

On June 8th, she died.

Yes, you read it right; this smart, beautiful, kind, sweet, young lady died.

She was 42.

If you're surprised because she was so young, that makes TWO of us!

Yes, I know young people and people younger than her die every day but they aren't my best friends of 28 years so it doesn't affect me.

I know, I know; that's selfish of me but I admit this openly, I want her back!

I didn't get to say goodbye and I'm hurt and I'm angry.

It's NOT fair!

I'm not over it in the LEAST!

I know I am not supposed to question God at all and He knows fully what He is doing so who do I think I am right?

I..am..human!

Not to say God isn't because we were created in his image, but God gets to be with my best friend every day and now, I don't!

Honestly, I feel some type of way about it.

THIS, writing, is how I express things so forgive me if I seem self centered.

I'm grieving her so for a little bit, I'm going to be.

I don't want to mar her memory with my own feelings and my venting.

So, I'll speak of the good she brought in my life.

I met her at 15.

She was this quiet, red gyal and I of course felt like she needed protecting so that's what I did.

We had some not so nice assmates (yeah, I meant to say assmates because they were!) and I wasn't having ANY of it.

She didn't deserve that.

I was always the one who was over protective of my friends and probably always will be.

Blame my Aries nature.

She was smart, quiet and sweet. I was smart, loud and mean. Perfect combo!

We clicked instantly and became lifelong friends.

We went through puberty, young adulthood and almost made it through our middle ages.

I FULLY expected us to see old age. It wasn't to be.

• She convinced me to go back to college
• she convinced me to buy a Beetle (even though this one was a lemon)
• She told me where to go to get my first apartment (she moved in RIGHT behind me)
• I was in the car with her for my first car accident
• she taught me how to do bond in hair, and microwave ponytails
• I am fluent in Patois because of her
• I first tried all my Jamaican dishes in life and fell in love with the food because of her and her late mother
• She taught me to put colored contacts over my clear prescription ones (that was SUCH a bad idea but that's what best friends are for!)

I could go on and on as memories flood back constantly like they have since she died.

She hasn't left my mind day or night since she died.

I know it's because I wasn't prepared.

See, when my momma died, although I wasn't fully prepared, I knew it was coming.

It doesn't hurt any less now but it gets easier.

I had no CLUE a loss this great was coming and I am still in disbelief.

I still haven't processed it completely even though I was at her funeral.

Her birthday is today.

The pics I posted was from one of the many birthdays we shared.

She was SO happy!

As a matter of fact, she named herself Happy.

She told me if she spoke it into existence, it would be.

So Happy we called her.

I am now short one bridesmaid for the wedding I am going to have one day. I didn't get to be one at hers that she was planning.

My future 2nd child didn't get to become her Godchild.

I know how C.C. felt in Beaches now.

Every time I watch that movie I cry and I'm glad it wasn't MY best friend.

Now it is.

There's nothing I can do about it either.

It makes me feel so powerless.

I can say her death has prompted me to do some things I had been meaning to.

Things I know she would have been a cheerleader for.

She was already a cheerleader behind everything else I did, especially my recent weight loss.

She embodied loyalty.

 I don't have the answers but I do know life is not as long for some as it is for others.

While we're here we HAVE to make sure we live out our dreams.

Don't start things and don't finish, especially if it's going to improve my life.

Take risks even if it means rejection; somebody will say yes.

Only do things that make you happy, not what makes others happy!

Life is too short and the time we have here can be gone at any moment.

LIVE!

I miss her EVERY DAY! I don't expect that to change because missing momma hasn't changed.

I just have to tell myself any suffering she felt mentally, emotionally and physically is over because it is.

Her life is over but THAT part of her life is too!

So, I lost my best friend but I gained an angel and for that part of this all, I am forever grateful!

The Emacipation of MishMish

I vlog about my weight loss surgery, my best friend's death and current events in my life!

Patience is a Virtue

"Patience is a virtue." 

Possible interpretation: The ability to wait for something without getting angry or upset is a valuable quality in a person.

I have the patience for a LOT of things but I no longer have the patience for foolery.

I just COMPLETELY block it out or just flat out let it be known.

I don't mind that it's had me single for a while.

I'd rather be alone than be unhappy!

I am just refusing to settle.

I don't care who has an opinion about it either.

I don't base my life on the opinions of others. Period.

What is annoying to me is that men feel that JUST BECAUSE a woman is single she is miserable and that misery will make her accept JUST ANYTHING!

How DARE we say no or refuse their advances.

We aren't supposed to have standards right?

WRONG!

How very wrong!

I know what I want, need and what I personally offer.

I have prayed for what I want and need.

I KNOW what has been coming my way is NOT what God has for me.

I know better than that.

When people disappear and resurface, I am not obligated to entertain you.

I don't want to and I won't be.

I am not the type of woman who is needy but you CERTAINLY can't ignore me either! 

That will NEVER fly!

The funny thing about dudes is, they ALWAYS come back. It's up to women to  use their better judgment and send them back from whence they came!

I do not require a lot but I DO require consistency, honesty and loyalty.

I don't have the patience for ANYTHING less!

You don't get to go away, leave me wondering what the Hell happened and then come back saying you don't know what happened with us, pretending you were single all this time and now you have this stunning revelation that you want to make it work.

That's a LIE!

It has happened to me SEVERAL times, especially within the last year or so, and I am just over it.

I'm too old for the games! 

As I get older my patience becomes thinner and thinner with grown men playing little boy games.

I am a woman raising a woman and I have successfully shown her, by example, that I don't let men treat me any kind of way and I won't start now! 

Not even at the sake of being someone's "woman".

I love myself and my daughter too much to be a bad example! The world already sees her as being at a disadvantage because I'm a single mother (I disagree) with an absentee co-creator.

I will NOT feed into those negative stereotypes by traipsing men throughout her life either.

ESPECIALLY if he's not a man of substance!

Get ALL they way out of here with that! 

I know one thing I have to really read up on and practice is being a Proverbial Woman.

If I am asking God to send the right one, I need to make sure I am the right one for HIM!

It's only fair!

"To whom much is given, much is required."

Luke 12:48 

I NEVER professed to be perfect. 

I am imperfect and flawed.

However, if I learned anything from watching my parents marriage my entire life it's how to love a man and how a woman should beloved.

I have always done my best to do what my momma did to love a man. I didn't get how my father loved her from a man in return.

Even knowing that, it didn't and won't stop me from trying and I won't allow it to make me into a bitter woman,

No, I didn't follow the path they laid out for me always but that's part of learning and growing and coming into my own as an adult.

I've learned to be patient if that patience is warranted.

Unfortunately, I haven't met a man worth being patient for...yet.

He's coming. Of that, I am convinced.

My faith won't falter in that.

I have plenty of time despite the world always telling women my age we are getting too old.

I'll settle down but again, I WON'T settle!

So, I'll wait. When he comes, I'll know it.

I'll continue to live life with no apologies and to always be the best person, woman and mother I can.

God is still working on me and if he can be patient with me then I can be patient with Him.