Year End Review: 2016

Oh crap! 
I really almost forgot to post this! 
I wanted to go over my year and how it went but I'm wondering if it's really necessary. 
Honestly, not much changed and I didn't make nearly as much progress as I wanted until the final hour. 
That's keeping it all the way real. 
I didn't get a big promotion I wanted,  I didn't get published like I wanted (I'm still waiting on responses from that), I lost my car to an accident and have a scarred wound as a result. 
I am still single and I'm not searching. 
I don't even have an interest in that because I'm not happy with me so how can I be happy with another? 
Other than that; my life stood still.
However, I am not happy about it and I do not even begin to act like I am. 
I am not miserable. 
Don't get it twisted. 
I love being alive but I want to LIVE! 
Change is not in my words; it's in my actions. 
Resolutions? 
They are not for me. 
Praying for guidance, working my way around obstacles and stepping out on a limb are right up my alley. 
I don't need a new year to make that happen. Changes like that are constant! 
I will say that I finally did something about my weight. 
I had gastric sleeve surgery on December 15th. 
I am struggling with protein intake, keeping food down and on a strict liquid diet. 
So before anyone states the, "You took the easy way out." Stop yourself. 
This...is..HARD! 
At 359 pounds, there's no easy way out of anything. Know this! 
I've lost 30 pounds to date. 
It's a work in progress. 
I also am reenrolling in school. 
My future looks so bleak without a higher degree. The one I have won't suffice in today's world. Times have changed and I need to adapt. 
I was in tears at the thought of this struggle being my life. 
I can't do it anymore.
God didn't intend this for me. 
God has better plans for me. 
God helps those who help themselves. 
So, I'm doing just that.
So I'm going to study hard,  bust my ass, lose sleep, miss out on fun just to ensure I can enjoy the pleasures in life forever and make sure to set an example for my beautiful little girl. 
Co-habitating with family is not what I imagined. 
Yes, adults all need their own space but some families make it work cuz they love each other. 
I have one family member that doesn't think this way. 
There's no dramatics to speak of,  no threats or anything of that sort but my intuition never lies. 
Some people don't value family and the closeness of family even though we weren't raised that way. 
My mother would be so disappointed but I have to say myself and my sibling I'm closest to are definitely making my mother proud!
We are loving, caring genuinely and we talk almost daily to keep our bond tight. 
We don't speak out of obligation. It's real and heartfelt. 
It's no shade but I call a spade a spade. 
It used to be so hurtful but I am surrounded by very loving people in other areas of life so it balances out.
I'm good! 
So, in the Spring my daughter and I will be moving out on our own so we can breathe and have our space and feel at home. 
It's going to be hard but it's what needs to happen for my peace of mind and hers. 
I will pray for my family to be blessed regardless and that God works on their heart and spirit. 
I won't claim 2017 as "my year" as many have. That's not knocking those who do either. 
How can I claim it when so many others are accomplishing so much as well. 
Every year on Earth has to be "my year" because God blessed me to see it! 
So, I say Happy New Year!  
Be blessed, live your dreams and prosper! 

You Dropped Your Dime

Flashback Friday to a Facebook Note I wrote in 2008. 
Even then I had the foresight to see that no one should treat you a way you don't deserve and that what they don't appreciate someone else WILL! 
Enjoy the screenshots.

Coming to My Senses

So just the other day I was talking to my best friend about lack of communication from guys that we date. I was telling her that they don't realize how much time they give us to think when they disappear and don't reach out to us for days. Trust me, we have a lot of time to process things!

Now, you are probably saying that it also gives us time to over analyze things as well, and this is true. 

However, if the lines of communication were open, we would have a crystal clear picture of how the guy feels, what he's thinking and won't be left guessing.

The time that the guy disappears also gives us time to come to our senses.

We know that nothing short of bodily injury, and sometimes even that, will keep a man from contacting a woman he is truly interested in. 

There aren't enough blogs,  vlogs, and everything in between, from men themselves, verifying that. 

But damn all that; it's clear!

It's not rocket science,  chemistry or geometry. It's rather simple; when he wants to be in touch with you he will! 

Now, ladies,  a lot of you are guilty of letting them get missing and then going for their excuses when they pop back up.

I am guilty of this. 

There comes a time on your life,  when you reach a certain age,  where that's not acceptable.

I'm 42. I don't date ANYONE who is not fully aware that communication is key in any developing or developed relationship. Whether they take heed to that determines if they are allowed to stay in my space.

I don't care how much I like you,  if you make excuse after excuse for not communicating, I am gone. 

The thing about that is, you're communicating with SOMEONE,  it's just not me!

I'm cool with not being "the one". I'm not cool with a man not being 100 about me not being the one! 

Building up false ass hope with sporadic texts doesn't work for very long. As I stated, we come to our senses in your absence. 

I'm not perfect  but I'm a dope ass chick.

You're probably saying, "If you're so dope,  why are you single?"

Honestly, I wish I knew. 

You can gather by my past blogs though,  I haven't met any stellar gentleman that I ran off with my bluntness and my straight forward, Aries personality. I just haven't met any stellar gentlemen AT ALL! 

I have faith that they are still out there so I keep trying.  

I need to branch out in where I am meeting them however (clearly,  online dating is a huge failure).

I am on Meet Up but as confident and outgoing as I am,  I haven't mustered up the courage to go to one. I have valid excuses at the moment (a wrecked car and an injured right leg are pretty good reasons). 

My recent car accident and injury knocked some sense into me about the men in my midst. When times like this are upon you,  you see who is there for you when you need them mentally, emotionally and physically. 

No excuse will validate someone not at least communicating to see if you're still breathing at a time like that! 

I was literally run over by my car and when I tell you not one man in my midst was there for me mentally,  emotionally or phsycially, I do not exaggerate!

I was off for a week and could barely walk and I was isolated and alone. Oh,  add to that,  I don't have a legally driveable car so THAT was when I needed the most help I EVER needed. 

It gave me time to think,  it gave me time to process and it have me time to reevaluate.

Why isn't anyone calling to ask how I really feel?  Do they realize I could have died? Do they realize I'm shaken to my core? Do they realize how painful it is for a 2 ton vehicle to run over your body? Do they realize I just lost my ONLY means of transportation and I have a kid I am a single mom to?

Do they realize how expensive Uber and car rentals are? 

So many question went through my mind. 

While it's not their responsiblity, it's mine, there is also knowing that when someone cares about you,  they help when they can. Rather that be mentally,  emotionally,  financially or physically,  they do what they can because they care and they want you to know it beyond a shadow of a doubt.

It opened up so many revelations for me. I just saw the truth for what it is even though I asked for the truth straight out. 

It put so many things into perspective for me.

I realized that I had clouded vision, I realized I wasn't thinking clearly and most importantly it made me come to my senses. 

Lasso The Moon

One day,  my big heart will work out for me.
Unfortunately, that day is probably not coming anytime soon.
No,  this is not about woe is me and there's no need to cue the violins. I am just telling it like it is.
People close to me still can't wrap their mind around me being so frank and honest when I blog. However, I am the same way face to face. This is just me translating that to "paper".
I. Am. A. Hopeless. Romantic.
I said it and I confess.
Still,  I don't fall in love THAT easily.
I am not in love now as I write this but there's always that possibility looming in the air.
I just realize that right now, it might not be in the stars for me.
Before you go thinking what I am saying is mumbo jumbo, consider this;  if the alignment of the moon and the sun can cause catastrophic events all over the planet,  imagine what it can do in our lives!
I am intense when I decide to open my heart.
Not the boil your rabbit,  sit outside your house in the bushes and hack your accounts type of intense.
I'm the ride or die, stand by your man even when he's in the trenches, baby-you-can-run-the-world-and-I-gotchu kind of intense.
A lot of people can't handle that. There have been few who can. They were also intense when they loved. 
So,  there HAVE been ones who reached the deepest depths of my heart.
It just wasn't meant to be at that time.
Many factors could have played a part. It could be that we weren't doing what we should in other areas for things to fall into place.
When I look back,  we weren't!
It can't be one person doing everything right and the other is not. It will never work.
Sidebar: I have witnessed this with other relationships and I DO NOT envy them! I'd die alone before I accept that from any man just to say I have one! I say this to you at the age of 42 (I am never afraid to tell my age because my parents good genes passed down to me and I look lots younger than I am!  Thank you, God, for small blessings!).
I have seen relationships where one person is using the other whose giving everything they have to them, one person is cheating while the other is at home waiting faithfully, people  who are secretly in love with others and etc. There's no way the cosmos will bless unions like that!  They are NOT aligned!
I am extra careful what I put out in the universe because I feel like our energy,  our vibes and our aura create the what we get back!
Being positive is WORK, anything rewarding in life is WORK and anything meant to last for life is WORK!
Don't ever doubt that!
The payoff,  however, now that's all worth it!
I realize that I do have to do some changing just as the universe is ever changing.
I know what I offer and I know what I want but something HAS to be off.  I am big enough to realize that.
Maybe I need to rein in my intensity some. I can't call it but know I am willing to be totally open to the changes that I need to make, whatever they may be.
The only way I will get answers from the Universe is if I pray to the Creator of it.
This might be part of the issue in of itself.
I am guilty of not praying when I should or even when I need it the most.
One thing that I won't change is my requirements.
I require more than what a lot of others are accepting and that's saying a LOT because I don't require that much.

Every time I hear Ready or Not by After 7, I say it's exactly the song I hear in my head when someone asks me what I want.

I think to myself, "If you want to know what I REALLY want then sit up and take notes when that song comes on!"

Yeah,  I'm sure you're saying, "This chick is nuts!  A man can't give her everything!"
Those men KNOW they can't possibly give their women the sun,  the rain,  the moon,  the stars and the mountains AND THE WORLD and even more.  I can promise you this though; they were willing to try! That alone speaks VOLUMES!
You see the picture I linked is from Bruce Almighty. He was named God for a period of time and just because he knew how much his lady loved full moons,  he lassoed the moon to bring it's shine and beauty closer to her!  It doesn't get much better than that!
The moral of the story is: I just want someone who will lasso the moon for me in their way. They do it because they can,  they are willing and able.
The issue has been that I have not found the one willing to do so yet.
I would love to.
I know for a fact I am worth it,  would make him feel appreciated for it and show reciprocity.
It's not a tall order for someone truly ready. The part of being ready falls on me too. I will do what I need to make sure I am ready to receive that!

I will keep my eyes open for my moon wranglers in the mean time though. If they have the sun, the rain,  the stars, the mountains, the world and more,  I'll take that too!  He'd never be able to say he found a woman that loved and appreciated him for that more than he could say of me!

YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!

I'm not debating w/ single mothers saying they are the mother & father today! I'm a single mother & so are you! Stop being bitter and proclaiming both titles because you are doing it alone!

You are NOT alone!

I sympathize with you, I really do, however, I DID have my father growing up and I do NOT nurture my daughter the same way he did me.

I can teach her some of the things he taught me but not EVERYTHING! I'm okay with that but it took a long time to be okay with that.

Her father is in the picture when he chooses to be and I saw right away he knew nothing about being a dad but didn't try to break the cycle in his life.

Revel in the fact that you're an EXCELLENT mother and you are STILL going to raise a productive human being who is going to add value to this world , whether the father is there or not. You're doing it as a woman and instilling strength in them that can't be undone!

You don't have to prove anything to anyone but your child, and I am sure they are proud of you, mom!

YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!

Be glad you aren't, it's a harder job than you think!

All She Ever Wanted Was a Real One

Can I be frank for a moment?

I do not like Atlanta. 
Yeah, I live here but let me just say this is not the "mecca" they claim it is! The majority of Black people here do NOT help each other! They look out for whoever they think can further them but God forbid they help someone reach a higher level out of the kindness of their heart! We'll NEVER get ahead as a people like this! EVER!

I am disappointed by this.

Some of the white ones look down on "us" way too much to be so cocky. It's 2016! I grew up with more, knowing more and exposed to more than half of them. I am educated and well spoken as were/are my parents. I am NOT a dumb Negro! I am African-American and I am a threat but not physically; my brain and mind-set tell my story. I am angered by this.

What I am really disheartened by is the dating scene!
The dating scene here in Atlanta has these dudes heads super swollen cuz they see quantity but aren't seeking quality.

They just see numbers and they lose it!

They feel a car, a decent job and their own place makes the a supreme catch.

Gtfoh, grown ass man, you're SUPPOSED to have that! That shit doesn't make you God's gift to women! You're doing shit normal men do! I am NOT impressed!

I am impressed by loyalty (this falls in line with honesty and monogamy), when they are family oriented, don't have fear of commitment, practise the three Ps: profess (professing to the world their love and devotion to me), protect (there should be no way a man I'm with should let anyone day or do anything foul to me. Considering, I don't want a thug nor do I ask for drama, cause drama or tolerate drama; if it comes my way it's unwarranted. I don't want a dude shrugging his shoulders and letting me know he could give two shits about my well being. I can't check a man the way another man can) and provide (this doesn't mean you have to pay my bills but possess the ability and willingness to do so. Nothing sucks worse than having a need and a man who puts his dick in you but can't put money in your hands when you really need it),  someone with a sense of adventure and a sense of humor, decent conversation, and who can encourage me in spirituality and marriage minded. THAT'S impressive to me!

My ass is phat/fat even though I am fat and my boobs are big. My stomach is flat when I lay down just like everyone else's (a BBW lover once told me he doesn't care about stomachs cuz they are all flat laying down. I thought it was hilarious but made perfectly logical sense. It never stopped me from gettin' busy!) so I don't have body image issues affecting my confidence. So I don't care about or worry about competing with all the video girl shaped chicks running around here (they aren't fairing much better BTW). I am feminine and fly. I smell pretty and look pretty.  You would think that counted for something but it doesn't seem to.

They also seem to think their above average sized phallus is enough. Well, I can tell you, it isn't! 

All they see is  the opportunity to prey on women, good women, and move on to the next victim.

I am nobody's victim! 
I won't ever accept  that and won't settle for it. I am almost 42, I'm not for the children's games. I don't have the patience for it in any capacity. 

I have not experienced this anywhere EXCEPT here!

That ratio of men to women here has these dudes thinking they have it made! 

They probably do but they should take into consideration that while Atlanta is big, at the same time it's rather small. Just like women come here, they can leave here. Women also talk. Even a nobody knows SOMEBODY!

And then there's ALWAYS white men (when I mentioned white people who are judging earlier, I did say SOME remember?)

Yeah, they not sleeping on us just cuz you are. They aren't MY cup of tea but never say never. That ratio works two ways. When shortages occur people find other resources.

I don't know what happened in this "black mecca" that they stopped being a king looking for a queen (ONE queen) and looking to have many wives (and they ain't hardly looking for marriage). 

I'm and old school chick with old school values. I will never accept these new fangled dating rules.

I deserve better and I require better.

I can see my time here in Atlanta coming to an end very soon. I have  things I am working on here first. Then I'm out!

I said the only thing that would keep me here is love. Not just any love either. The put-a-ring-on-it-two-and-a-half-kids-and-a-dog-white-picket-fence kinda love. If God has my soulmate looking for me, He better work fast because I am ret tah go! 

Until then I'll keep my toes dipped in the dating pool and put on my fuckboy blockers; it is certainly no shortage of those!

If you're in the same pool, utilize your life preservers (prophylactics) and only trust the lifeguards (the true good guys and not the ones dressed up as good guys).

Birthdays Was The Worst Days

I get excited and anxious when I realize my birthday is coming up. 
I don't know what I am doing this year. I have several options and that makes me giddy. I am anxious because I still REALLY miss my mom and she will no longer be here to celebrate with me in the flesh. 
So my birthday is an emotional time for me because frankly, I'm still grieving.
However, I am blessed that God saw fit for me to be here, alive and well, so sadness can't overtake that!
This post is about my worst birthday experience to date.
Last year was my first birthday without my mom and it was horrible. I usually spend it with my loved ones but I had someone say they were making some plans for me to get away and relax and it wasn't true. Unfortunately, I prematurely thought they were a loved one.
My mom ALWAYS made big deals out of our birthdays. So you can imagine I was hurt and disappointed when I went nowhere and did nothing.
My friends and family had all been asking me what I wanted to do and I told them that I had a nice room reserved for me and was getting a staycation.
I got attitude, rudeness and disrespected and then not so politely asked to leave because they weren't mentally ready to have their space invaded.
Mind you, I did NOT ask to invade their space! They offered and had me pick a nice room at a nice hotel. However, when I got to their place, they announced we were going NO PLACE! 
I tell you I didn't even have a McDonald's Happy Meal waiting for me! I BOUGHT FOOD FOR US BOTH!
So, they got a good meal a good lay, proceeded to pick arguments that left me in tears and basically told me I had to go. 
Luckily, a good friend bought me dinner and a bottle and cheered me up when they found out what happened. They did it without question or expectations. As it should be. 
Let me say that the offending party apologized...if you can call it that. It was more of a I-wish-she-would-just-shut-the-f***-up-already apology. It wasn't real or heartfelt. Honestly, I wonder if the way I was treated was more of a, "Well, it happened to me so, oh well." Kind of thing. They say hurt people hurt people.
Most of us don't share birthdays with others with our family/friends. It's OUR day! So, of course, we enjoy the extra attention! It only happens once a year!
Even if you do something by yourself every year, CELEBRATE living to see another one even if no one else cares! Do it for you! Don't let someone dictate how YOUR day should go!
Never spend YOUR day being hurt, in tears or filled with any negativity. And that goes for EVERY DAY in life as well.
Go out and do something you always wanted to, pamper yourself, buy that new pair of shoes you wanted...DO YOU!
Yolo so make the most of it!

Just a Quick Note

One of my good guy friends, that I talk to about everything, told me to read this book. I don't want to Think like a Man. I am a woman. I was raised with my married parents and saw how a woman should be treated and how a woman should treat her man. He explained, I saw AFTER the courtship. I came along AFTER my dad courted and married my mom. I need to learn about the process before and not just by what my parents taught me about how a man should treat me. I need to look at it through more than one view.
So, I am reading this. I read for entertainment and I read to learn/gain information. I am reading this one to learn.
Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, Expanded Edition, Steve Harvey.
 https://play.google.com/store/books/details?id=ZxHSAgAAQBAJ

Lady of Convenience

lady of convenience

A woman that is taken to events, paraded around as a girlfriend, and screwed when the male needs it. She is convenient until something better comes along and the male is not committed. She is similar to an escort.

I am not built for that shit! I am just not about that life! 

I require more. I don't require a lot but I DO require more!

I really don't want to be in that type of situationship at 41. 41 will turn into 45, 45 will be 50 and then you'll have a hard time settling down and just have to settle.

I have much higher standards than being anyone's lady of convenience.

I want the white picket fence, two and a half kids and a dog. I deserve that.
While I don't want it now, I want it eventually. 

These types of relationships are ALWAYS for the benefit of the man. The woman is usually totally unaware, being mislead and/or he pretends he "wants to take things slow". She NEVER gets the full truth until she figures it out by herself OR by mistake (You know guys are NEVER as slick as they THINK are!).

If they do tell you what's up, it's ALWAYS sent with mixed messages and mixed signals until you ask for a commitment. Then they backpedal and remind you how they didn't want a relationship and the vicious cycle keeps repeating itself. 

They (society) like to harp on age for women. A lot! For some things I harp on age too. They say we have less energy after 40. I know they HAVE to mean mental energy as well because I don't have the energy for fruitless relationships at this point in my life. Whether it be career, friendships, familial or otherwise personal. As Sweet Brown said, "Ain't nobody got time for that!"

I don't want to be a piece to any man, I want to be his everything. A lady of convenience gets whatever that man has to give. It's usually only enough to satisfy her momentarily so she'll shut up.

I can admit I tried to get through to men like this before. I mean I went HARD!

I did everything a woman should with no title.

As a matter of fact, I spent 11 months of my life doing so before.

That was ample time to get a feel of what a lady of convenience goes through.

My experience was far less than stellar.

I, unfortunately, was being the type of woman who was hardheaded and didn't listen to the many instances of being told he wasn't ready. I take full ownership of that.

Often ladies of convenience see that shift in attitude when they are ready to leave that makes them question if they are being patient enough.

He's being extra loving, sweet and caring to you. He's "acting" like your dude but trust me, he is NOT!

I experienced this OFTEN.

I got the talks about future plans, questioned about how I would treat my man (as if I wasn't showing him that already); this had me thinking he was ready to make this official...That was a pipe dream being sold. I was even told about events that couples would frequent, that we NEVER made it to! 

Granted, I do not feel he took someone else, him not taking me was enough of a jab.

He just wasn't into me. I even called him on that numerous times. I just got a beat around the bush answer when I confronted him..every time.

I felt it in my gut. I just didn't go with it. I take responsibility for that as well. ALWAYS go with your gut. I addressed that in my post here:

Trust In Your Decisions

I can't waste my time ever doing that again!

Ladies, I don't suggest you do it either.

It's a hurtful, lonely, disappointing situation to be in and it can be avoided.

Being a good woman won't make a man who is not ready change for you. I felt like I couldn't show all my love and I held back in numerous ways because I could sense that he wasn't giving me all of him.

That's a bad feeling, to feel like you can't be free to love him totally. You know he's not allowing himself to do the same, or trusting you with his heart. Why would I risk what he wouldn't?

The shit we see in the movies doesn't happen for girls like me, unfortunately. I live in a very real, and sometimes cruel, world.

Trust me, I waited for that change in him to happen and it never did.

When they say it's not you, believe that it isn't!

Do yourself a favor and move on and quickly.

The longer you have someone occupying that space is the longer your soulmate is being kept away from you.

How can the right man come in when the wrong man is in the way?

He's waiting and watching and you will be his PRIORITY.

I am really not going through these changes in 2016 or beyond. I deserve what I have to give, I have standards, certain things are deal breakers and I won't compromise myself ever again for them. 

I have more love and respect for myself to ever do THAT again! We have to love and respect ourselves and never let anyone make us deviate from that for ANY reason,

Not for their love, not for their attention, and certainly not for THEIR convenience.

Trust in Your Decisions