Dealbreakers

deal-break·er

noun

plural noun: dealbreakers

1. (in business and politics) a factor or issue that, if unresolved during negotiations, would cause one party to withdraw from a deal.

I know I was supposed to speak on my current situationship but frankly, I am not sure I am ready to reveal my love life in full detail. I am pretty open but I retain the right to be private as much as I retain the right to speak on things that happen in my love life, as it's part of MY life.
I am not really the type to ask for the world. As a matter of fact, all who I ever dated can attest to the fact that I don't ask for much at all.
Like every man or woman, I DO have my dealbreakers. I have made exceptions for ones I should not have in the name of love far too many times, I am not ashamed to say that. I DO know that going forward I will never compromise those again.
It just seems in doing so, the respect I deserved was NEVER given, despite being earned.
They took advantage of my forgiving nature and it afforded them opportunities to test me time and time again.
What sucks is, I believed they were good natured people and they would not purposely hurt me. So I excused the behavior. 
However being good natured is effortless. Picking and choosing when you want to be that way is disingenuine. It shows me that they only do it when it is something in it for them. That's a really selfish act.
I can't be selfless and get nothing in return. I would be a plum fool.
I have a big heart and I do things from my heart. It's hard for me to not care and want to treat people how I want to be treated.
I realize some people have no conscience.
My deal breakers are no longer compromisable.

These are MY dealbreakers:

Lying: 
If you lie, I can't and won't deal with you. 
Lying wold entail: Anything regarding relationship statuses, your intent of the relationship between us in the present and future, your employment status (Just because you want to be President you can't go around saying you are under the guise of speaking things into existence!), etc..

Callousness:
If you KNOW I am in a bind and you ignore it, you are not part of my life as a man. It's NOTHING worse than being stuck on the side of the road and you can't even rely on the person that's laying in your bed every night to come help you out.
Under this category falls when you don't care about my feelings in general. 
This is when you do something foul, issue a sorry apology (often being done several times over a course of time) and basically expect me to get over it. 
I.E. My birthday is  big deal to me, like most people, 
This year was the first one I celebrated since my mom died last year. She made big deals out of our birthdays, 
While I don't expect others to, if you plan something nice for me, I expect you to keep your word.
Plans were made for me that were not only NOT kept but the person told me to get over it.  I found out the day of, had packed my bags for two days get away and I proceeded to act as if it was no big deal. 
They basically told me to deal with the shit or get the fuck out their crib. It was my BIRTHDAY! I was crying on what should have been a really great weekend for me.
Well, 8 months later, while I don't hold a grudge, I am NOT over it. I am still hurt behind it. I forgave but I did not forget. I can't say that would be the kind of hurt you would forget.
I would NEVER do that to someone. It's cruel, it's mean and well, CALLOUS!

Disrespect:
Being mean spirited and trying to humble me is another  part  of being callous.
I am not walking around acting like I am all that. I hold my head up and have certain standards because I was raised that way.
I DO expect some sort of chilvary and for him to be a gentleman to me!
I.E. For my door to be opened to cars and buildings. I am a lady and I carry myself that way with my man and away from him. I represent him and I don't do things to embarrass him or emasculate him. So, opening my door should be a given. It's a requirement.
I should never have to feel embarassed because the person I am dealing with allows me to walk to their car, with other women and men around looking at me and open my OWN door! It's humiliating! I just feel strongly about it,
Calling me out of my name, cursing me out, any violence of any kind....DEALBREAKERS!

Indecisiveness:
Please know exactly what you want. If it's not me, stop faking it! Keep it 100! All of us have been let down at some point. I am 41! I have NOT gotten everyone I ever wanted. I have been rejected. I can handle it. What I can't handle being strung along because you want to keep me on board until you find the better option, or on YOUR timeline for when you want to settle down.
I am not a toy, a puppet or call girl.
And please don't say you don't want a relationship then act like you do when I want to leave or when you want a temporary woman. I am not a bedwarmer either.

Secrecy:
I don't know ANY of your friends, family, where you work or where you live and it's been months?! DEALBREAKER!
Okay so maybe not the family, but damn, your friends? To me, if I am being hidden, I'm a jump off, so I'mma jump off the crazy train and be out! 

Communication:
I don't have to talk to you fifty times a day. However, texts and  IMs aren't enough. Not EVERYTHING is meant to be discussed on text or IM. You can't tell someone's tone via texts. It's easy to misterpret. Too easy! 
I can't stand a man who can't express himself with words, who speaks in codes and beats around the bush.  That's a CHILD, that's not a man!
So many issues can be fixed with clear communication. So many misunderstandings can be cleared up. It makes room for bonds to grow stronger and trust to be built. 

I am not as complicated as I am made to be by people who don't want to do the work. ANY relationship takes work. If you want it, you do it. If you don't, you lose it. It's just THAT simple! There's no secret recipe or special formula for me. I just want honesty, respect, loyalty, trust communication and someone to hold me down like I hold them down. I don't mind building with someone. I don't have it all but I am growing and I want someone willing to grow with me as well. I deserve that much. I deserve THAT much and then some.

I had quite a year. I hope this next one is my best one yet! I am ready for whatever it brings and I welcome it!
I hope that 2016 brings you love and light, peace and prosperity, health and happiness.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!

My Truth - A Year Later, Part 1

Today I am going to give you a rare glimpse into my personal dating life. 
As some of you may well know, I took a six-year hiatus on dating.  I became a single mother,  I lived in a really small, cliquish one horse town, I knew I would be moving away from there soon and was (and I still am) focused on my daughter and working.

It wasn't until I moved here to the Atlanta area that I decided to give dating a whirl. 

This has been....I am trying to think of one word to describe it accurately...

Well, honestly, I can't. So I am going to just describe it how I feel.

And let me just say that if you're someone I dated and you're reading this and you get offended, honestly, I don't really give a fuck. 

That is MY flaw, this brutal honesty, and I own that. 
I am working on toning it down. But that won't be today so suck it easy! It's not like any of us are TRULY friends, although had there been some honesty on YOUR part we could have been.

I have friends here. As a matter of fact my best friend is here. I have been asked why they don't hook me up."
Honestly, I don't really like or expect my friends to set me up. Unfortunately, while they are really awesome, they are single too, this isn't the era my parents were in when in their dating years (actually, by this age (41) my mom and dad had been married almost 20 years) and people just don't do the matchmaking thing anymore. It sucks really though because your friends are the best judge of characters aside from yourself, and they are on the outside looking in. 
They see flaws we miss because we have our blinders on. They know us and know who we would be a good match for. However, if they are having their own struggles, it's hard for them to really push theirs aside for mine. I get it and I am not offended. 

But I digress.

This experience for me has been full of dishonesty, selfishness, secrecy,  disappointment and hurt. 

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I give it freely once I decide to give it and I expect the same. I don't fall in love easily (and I am not currently in love) and haven't been in love in almost a decade. 

The last person I was in love with has been with the woman he had after me for almost as long. I admit I screwed that up royally and I still kick myself over it. He was an awesome guy then and still is now but I wasn't smart enough to see it then. He's still a great friend to me to this day (you see how that works?).

Just because I am not in love doesn't mean I don't love.

I can love you for your personality, your sense of humor, how smart you are, your sense of adventure...or simply for just being you!

I don't require much either.  I require, honesty, a giving and caring person and someone open with nothing to hide. I like a smart man, a driven man and a man willing to be serious about me.

It's been almost a year. I haven't had ANY combination of those things in a person I dated.

Don't get me wrong, it's only been two I "dated" and the others were false starts, which is NOT to be translated to sex. It wasn't. Hell, we didn't get that far!
My first experience started off pleasant. He was a church going guy, very much into music and attractive. I blogged about that experience here.
Well I want to say that I could have taken that as a sign but I like to be optimistic. I am a bit of a hopeless romantic and I feel find WILL find the one so I definitely didn't let that deter me. He wasn't honest with me, he was either too busy or already involved (after he added me on Facebook I noticed a chick that seemed to linger around a lot so I kind of put two and two together) and I didn't fit into the scheme of things. I took that L and kept it pushing.
My second experience started off great. This dude seemed really interested but he was pushing for a meeting too fast and I was hesitant. That was my gut instinct telling me to be cautious and next time I will go with it.
We finally meet and he's very attractive, sweet, attentive and has his ducks in a row as far as what meets the eye. I even felt comfortable enough to bring him around my family but NOT as my man. It was just friendship.
Well, he pulled a disappearing act for two weeks and randomly popped back up expecting me not to have questions or an issue with that.
That was NOT cool! If he felt that things were getting too heavy and he wasn't ready, he should filled ME in on that! I assumed he used me for a space filler and that the interest I developed wasn't genuinely reciprocated. Of course I had sense enough to ASK what he wanted, however what he said and what he did were two TOTALLY different things.
That sucked because the trust I had for him went out the window. I no longer took him seriously. His disappearing was a habit and happened several times in the months we "dated". Finally, he just flaked out on me TWICE at a time I had an emergency with my car and with my daughter and I was done!
I at least told him so he knew to delete my number and not bother randomly hitting me up at time I assume,  he was between women or bored with the one he may have had or whatever he has going on. It wasn't worth devoting the energy to find out.
There was another dude I was digging after that. Really smart, attractive and had great conversation.
Honestly, I don't know why we didn't become good friends at the very least.
I tried. I genuinely tried to at least be friends with him but when he went out to lounges or events, he NEVER included me despite me having expressed interest numerous times in going.
I definitely wasn't trying to copblock or make my presence known as his chick cuz I wasn't nor did I remotely think that. I just thought he was a cool dude and would be fun to hang out with.
After hitting someone up and asking what they are doing so many tines and learning they are out with friends, you get the picture they don't or WON'T be considering you one. I let it go.
No hard feelings but maybe I was in my feelings about the slight or what I felt was a slight. He wasn't a bad dude to me but it just wasn't in the cards for us to be friends or otherwise.
It is what it is.
So now onto the gentleman and the scholar. Actually, scholar, yes, gentleman,  NO!
This guy was pushy from the gate. He is highly intelligent and established. Physically I wasn't attracted to him because he is the spitting image of someone who I consider family. The attraction wasn't there.
I decided to finally go out with him EVEN THOUGH I didn't feel comfortable. He was just pushy and always upset because I wouldn't go out with him when HE wanted me to.
I thought maybe I was just being difficult because I hate when people try to control me. Blame the Aries in me. So against my better judgment, I decided to go.
The ENTIRE date he bashed every guy I had spoken of dating. I just spoke of my past experience in life as a whole. This man used his PhD in psychology to analyze every bit of information (which wasn't much because I didn't need to spill all my personal business with him) I had given him about my past dating experiences. I am 41. I have been dating since I was 20. Now you all KNOW I did NOT tell this man about 20 years of dating! I didn't even tell him details of my dates before him. I just said I wasn't on the same page with the ones I have met since I moved. THAT WAS IT!
This dude tries to get detailed information from me regarding WHY it didn't work. I immediately knew it was to try to manipulate me and use psychology on me so I can bend to HIS will.
You gotta be quicker than that!
When that failed miserably, he thought that pushing up on me in a parking lot, trying to shove his hand into my vagina and propositioning me to go to the hotel across the street would do it.
Surely a woman whom he NEVER had a sexual conversation with MUST want to suddenly sleep with him right?
WRONG!
I declined. He proceeded to try to hook up with me and I finally just told him it will never work.
For one, he stated he was divorced and not ready for a relationship, he wanted to go with the flow and I need more than that.
Secondly, I saw how he used his super powers (his psychology degree) for evil. I can't stand a manipulative man who thinks that he's smarter than I am. He even told he's not used to a woman that can keep up with him mentally but liked that I could.
My red flags went up because I knew it would be a constant power struggle and constant mind games.
I just couldn't subject myself to that. 
I have dealt with a lot of loss in the past two years. My mother being the BIGGEST loss! So losing someone who doesn't have sincere interest in me is NOTHING! (I will explain that in the second part of this post when I get to my current situation.) I am tired of giving my all to people just to get such a small portion back.
I won't let it break my spirit. My mom was heartbroken by her first marriage, bounced back and married my dad.  So her spirit in in me. I miss her, especially now. She's not here to listen to me discuss my disappointments and be my shoulder through this fiasco I call my  love life.
She certainly would have some encouraging words for me to help me muddle through all of this. 
Since she's not,  I have to tough it out and get through it until he arrives.
I take lessons from everyone. I still haven't learned to listen to the No's however. 
I still think that my heart can win someone over. I think I can show them that whatever they went through in love, I can erase it and make it better. 
I still think that the good in me will make people want to show me the good in them.
 I still think that there is good in people even when they mean me no good.
I still think I am too optimistic when there is not positive in the situation. 
I am STILL growing.
I am STILL learning,
I am STILL healing.
Most importantly, I am STILL STANDING!

Letting Go

"You made me happy this you can bet

Stood right beside me and I won't forget

I really love you, you should know

I want to make sure I'm right before I let go

We had our good times that's not the same

We're hurting each other girl it's s shame

I won't be foolish I've got to know

I want to make sure I'm right before I let go."

It's ironic that this Maze featuring Frankie Beverly is one of my favorite songs.
It wasn't until recently that I took the words of the song to heart and truly thought about what they meant.

As a matter of fact it was the day before Valentine's Day, and I was thinking of someone who I would have loved to have spent the following day with, but realized it was time to just let that go.

As a woman, I tend to try to make things happen in a relationship that's failing or failed that simply WON'T!  It's not wanting to fail, fear of rejection, being exactly sure that I am right about letting go before I do and a barrage of things.

What I DO know is, that if it doesn't fit, don't force it! I do know that holding onto someone who doesn't deserve you, who can't get past your past mistakes or you, theirs, or who is straddling the fence on where you all stand is not beneficial to YOU!

The person you need to look out for needs to always be you FIRST! Yes, I know it sounds a mite selfish but if you don't do it, who will?
As women, we do tend to put the needs of others well before ours. We don't typically get that in return. This vicious cycle continues and we end up doing what? Refusing to let go!

"We were so close I love your charm, 

ooh I can't understand it, no

Where did we go wrong?

I won't be askin', girl 

I've got to know

I gotta make sure I'm right...

Before I let go."

You can let go of the ideas you have of someone and the relationship you think you should have with them and just let it be what it is. I am not, by any means, saying that you should settle. Sometimes you just enjoy that person for who they are and you know it will never be more than you have right then and there. And that's perfectly fine too. Just know not to expect him to put a ring on it, even if he does like it!

I have also learned that I have to let go of the notion that just because someone is mature doesn't mean that as far as relationships, we are on the same page. We tend to think that as we enter our 40s and are unmarried and/or childless, life as we know it is over. That's definitely something we need to let go of! More and more women in their 40s are settling down, getting married and having babies. Look at Madonna and Halle Berry. Yes, I know they are rich, but their money has nothing to do with their 40+ and 50+ year old uterus!

I am guilty as all hell of hanging on for familiarity and because I am content. Being content with something not meant for us holds us back for the person who truly IS meant for us! That's the WRONG kind of comfort zone to be in! I am sure I said it's unhealthy too before, right?

It's okay to say, "It was fun while it lasted ..." and go on about your business. I am finding myself making that choice as well. You can like that person, like how they look, like how they make you feel (when they make you feel good) and they still simply not be "the one". It simply is what it is!

I am at the point in my life where random texts when either of us in the the mood to deal with the other, hearing from someone days after I contact them or if at all is not my cup of tea. Call me Kermit!

I need communication, a real connection, and real companionship. I just can't settle for whatever it is someone wants to give me. I deserve far more than that and I have earned far more than that. I conduct myself as a woman who is worth more so I expect more. Hell, I REQUIRE more! Any woman who knows her worth should. I certainly know mine.

Seasons change and people change. The saying about people coming into your life for a season are the truest words EVER! I am fine with that. Just like you clean out your closet and rid yourself of the winter clothes in the summer we should do the same in our personal lives. Everything is not worth keeping and cluttering up your life. It may have value but do you REALLY NEED it? Does it bring value to YOU? Does it fit in your life anymore?

And as I have matured over the years, I still had some growing to do, I have finally learned to let go peacefully. I can get mad and fly off the handle and be pretty ugly with my words. I am opting not to do that. I learned lessons from that. Every ending doesn't HAVE to be a bad one. Sometimes things just..end.

Write Your Own Story

Happy New Year!
I don't have any resolutions for you. I am about to make changes because a blessing in the name of a JOB came my way. It just so happens that it's starting at the new year. I suck at resolutions. I have never, EVER kept a single one!
Changes can come at any time. It doesn't take us making it to a new year to do that. But you also have to remember sometimes changes require money, timing, and opportunity. For me, I needed all three to fall into place. By the grace of God, they have.
No, I didn't hit the lottery. God knows I wish I did. I just plan to grind hard and advance in my new position. Oh, it's nothing really fancy; I am doing Communications Operations II for Comcast. I am starting out in a higher position in the department than I originally realized. So to me, that's a great sign. I am sure you're Googling by now to see what I will be doing, my salary, etc.. but don't waste your time. I am not bragging about something that I consider a blessing. I am not bragging at all. I am just grateful. No matter how much I am making, I am about to make something from nothing! That's my whole point.
I always look at things as just getting by. I haven't put much thought into my dreams and talents. However, being out of work for four months, having to struggle, having to go without, facing dire circumstamces and being at the mercy of selfish people WITH a small child in tow can teach you an awful lot!
It taught me that talents wasted only affords you the opportunity to watch others use AND profit from theirs! 
It taught me that if you want it bad enough,you have to do it yourself. For example with me planning to open Mishy's Munchables© (I will discuss this in detail in another blog),I am literally going to have to teach myself everything! I don't have the resources for culinary school or cake art classes at the moment. This will NOT deter me from my dream. An acquaintance who bakes well gave words of encouragemwnt when she said I don't need all that and I can teach myself. That has stuck with me! When I look at her work, I am encouraged and impressed! She did all her learning on her own. She's a single mother as well and she works so she made no excuses for getting out there and doing what she dreamed! Here's her site: Sweets and Soirées
I have yet to order anything but her reviews through word of mouth are awesome! Aside from being a great person, she is a great cook! I am a huge fan of truffles and I heard hers are to die for!
Most people, and unfortunately I have to admit, black women,  don't support other black women, especially in the same business. I just don't operate that way. You have to give credit where credit is due. We have to put good karma out there to get it back! That is something I firmly believe.
I feel like my opportunities are endless. Of course, I have to get back on my feet but I don't plan on letting that sidetrack me. I am always writing someone else's story, it's high time I wrote my OWN!