Coming to My Senses

So just the other day I was talking to my best friend about lack of communication from guys that we date. I was telling her that they don't realize how much time they give us to think when they disappear and don't reach out to us for days. Trust me, we have a lot of time to process things!

Now, you are probably saying that it also gives us time to over analyze things as well, and this is true. 

However, if the lines of communication were open, we would have a crystal clear picture of how the guy feels, what he's thinking and won't be left guessing.

The time that the guy disappears also gives us time to come to our senses.

We know that nothing short of bodily injury, and sometimes even that, will keep a man from contacting a woman he is truly interested in. 

There aren't enough blogs,  vlogs, and everything in between, from men themselves, verifying that. 

But damn all that; it's clear!

It's not rocket science,  chemistry or geometry. It's rather simple; when he wants to be in touch with you he will! 

Now, ladies,  a lot of you are guilty of letting them get missing and then going for their excuses when they pop back up.

I am guilty of this. 

There comes a time on your life,  when you reach a certain age,  where that's not acceptable.

I'm 42. I don't date ANYONE who is not fully aware that communication is key in any developing or developed relationship. Whether they take heed to that determines if they are allowed to stay in my space.

I don't care how much I like you,  if you make excuse after excuse for not communicating, I am gone. 

The thing about that is, you're communicating with SOMEONE,  it's just not me!

I'm cool with not being "the one". I'm not cool with a man not being 100 about me not being the one! 

Building up false ass hope with sporadic texts doesn't work for very long. As I stated, we come to our senses in your absence. 

I'm not perfect  but I'm a dope ass chick.

You're probably saying, "If you're so dope,  why are you single?"

Honestly, I wish I knew. 

You can gather by my past blogs though,  I haven't met any stellar gentleman that I ran off with my bluntness and my straight forward, Aries personality. I just haven't met any stellar gentlemen AT ALL! 

I have faith that they are still out there so I keep trying.  

I need to branch out in where I am meeting them however (clearly,  online dating is a huge failure).

I am on Meet Up but as confident and outgoing as I am,  I haven't mustered up the courage to go to one. I have valid excuses at the moment (a wrecked car and an injured right leg are pretty good reasons). 

My recent car accident and injury knocked some sense into me about the men in my midst. When times like this are upon you,  you see who is there for you when you need them mentally, emotionally and physically. 

No excuse will validate someone not at least communicating to see if you're still breathing at a time like that! 

I was literally run over by my car and when I tell you not one man in my midst was there for me mentally,  emotionally or phsycially, I do not exaggerate!

I was off for a week and could barely walk and I was isolated and alone. Oh,  add to that,  I don't have a legally driveable car so THAT was when I needed the most help I EVER needed. 

It gave me time to think,  it gave me time to process and it have me time to reevaluate.

Why isn't anyone calling to ask how I really feel?  Do they realize I could have died? Do they realize I'm shaken to my core? Do they realize how painful it is for a 2 ton vehicle to run over your body? Do they realize I just lost my ONLY means of transportation and I have a kid I am a single mom to?

Do they realize how expensive Uber and car rentals are? 

So many question went through my mind. 

While it's not their responsiblity, it's mine, there is also knowing that when someone cares about you,  they help when they can. Rather that be mentally,  emotionally,  financially or physically,  they do what they can because they care and they want you to know it beyond a shadow of a doubt.

It opened up so many revelations for me. I just saw the truth for what it is even though I asked for the truth straight out. 

It put so many things into perspective for me.

I realized that I had clouded vision, I realized I wasn't thinking clearly and most importantly it made me come to my senses. 

Lady of Convenience

lady of convenience

A woman that is taken to events, paraded around as a girlfriend, and screwed when the male needs it. She is convenient until something better comes along and the male is not committed. She is similar to an escort.

I am not built for that shit! I am just not about that life! 

I require more. I don't require a lot but I DO require more!

I really don't want to be in that type of situationship at 41. 41 will turn into 45, 45 will be 50 and then you'll have a hard time settling down and just have to settle.

I have much higher standards than being anyone's lady of convenience.

I want the white picket fence, two and a half kids and a dog. I deserve that.
While I don't want it now, I want it eventually. 

These types of relationships are ALWAYS for the benefit of the man. The woman is usually totally unaware, being mislead and/or he pretends he "wants to take things slow". She NEVER gets the full truth until she figures it out by herself OR by mistake (You know guys are NEVER as slick as they THINK are!).

If they do tell you what's up, it's ALWAYS sent with mixed messages and mixed signals until you ask for a commitment. Then they backpedal and remind you how they didn't want a relationship and the vicious cycle keeps repeating itself. 

They (society) like to harp on age for women. A lot! For some things I harp on age too. They say we have less energy after 40. I know they HAVE to mean mental energy as well because I don't have the energy for fruitless relationships at this point in my life. Whether it be career, friendships, familial or otherwise personal. As Sweet Brown said, "Ain't nobody got time for that!"

I don't want to be a piece to any man, I want to be his everything. A lady of convenience gets whatever that man has to give. It's usually only enough to satisfy her momentarily so she'll shut up.

I can admit I tried to get through to men like this before. I mean I went HARD!

I did everything a woman should with no title.

As a matter of fact, I spent 11 months of my life doing so before.

That was ample time to get a feel of what a lady of convenience goes through.

My experience was far less than stellar.

I, unfortunately, was being the type of woman who was hardheaded and didn't listen to the many instances of being told he wasn't ready. I take full ownership of that.

Often ladies of convenience see that shift in attitude when they are ready to leave that makes them question if they are being patient enough.

He's being extra loving, sweet and caring to you. He's "acting" like your dude but trust me, he is NOT!

I experienced this OFTEN.

I got the talks about future plans, questioned about how I would treat my man (as if I wasn't showing him that already); this had me thinking he was ready to make this official...That was a pipe dream being sold. I was even told about events that couples would frequent, that we NEVER made it to! 

Granted, I do not feel he took someone else, him not taking me was enough of a jab.

He just wasn't into me. I even called him on that numerous times. I just got a beat around the bush answer when I confronted him..every time.

I felt it in my gut. I just didn't go with it. I take responsibility for that as well. ALWAYS go with your gut. I addressed that in my post here:

Trust In Your Decisions

I can't waste my time ever doing that again!

Ladies, I don't suggest you do it either.

It's a hurtful, lonely, disappointing situation to be in and it can be avoided.

Being a good woman won't make a man who is not ready change for you. I felt like I couldn't show all my love and I held back in numerous ways because I could sense that he wasn't giving me all of him.

That's a bad feeling, to feel like you can't be free to love him totally. You know he's not allowing himself to do the same, or trusting you with his heart. Why would I risk what he wouldn't?

The shit we see in the movies doesn't happen for girls like me, unfortunately. I live in a very real, and sometimes cruel, world.

Trust me, I waited for that change in him to happen and it never did.

When they say it's not you, believe that it isn't!

Do yourself a favor and move on and quickly.

The longer you have someone occupying that space is the longer your soulmate is being kept away from you.

How can the right man come in when the wrong man is in the way?

He's waiting and watching and you will be his PRIORITY.

I am really not going through these changes in 2016 or beyond. I deserve what I have to give, I have standards, certain things are deal breakers and I won't compromise myself ever again for them. 

I have more love and respect for myself to ever do THAT again! We have to love and respect ourselves and never let anyone make us deviate from that for ANY reason,

Not for their love, not for their attention, and certainly not for THEIR convenience.

Dealbreakers

deal-break·er

noun

plural noun: dealbreakers

1. (in business and politics) a factor or issue that, if unresolved during negotiations, would cause one party to withdraw from a deal.

I know I was supposed to speak on my current situationship but frankly, I am not sure I am ready to reveal my love life in full detail. I am pretty open but I retain the right to be private as much as I retain the right to speak on things that happen in my love life, as it's part of MY life.
I am not really the type to ask for the world. As a matter of fact, all who I ever dated can attest to the fact that I don't ask for much at all.
Like every man or woman, I DO have my dealbreakers. I have made exceptions for ones I should not have in the name of love far too many times, I am not ashamed to say that. I DO know that going forward I will never compromise those again.
It just seems in doing so, the respect I deserved was NEVER given, despite being earned.
They took advantage of my forgiving nature and it afforded them opportunities to test me time and time again.
What sucks is, I believed they were good natured people and they would not purposely hurt me. So I excused the behavior. 
However being good natured is effortless. Picking and choosing when you want to be that way is disingenuine. It shows me that they only do it when it is something in it for them. That's a really selfish act.
I can't be selfless and get nothing in return. I would be a plum fool.
I have a big heart and I do things from my heart. It's hard for me to not care and want to treat people how I want to be treated.
I realize some people have no conscience.
My deal breakers are no longer compromisable.

These are MY dealbreakers:

Lying: 
If you lie, I can't and won't deal with you. 
Lying wold entail: Anything regarding relationship statuses, your intent of the relationship between us in the present and future, your employment status (Just because you want to be President you can't go around saying you are under the guise of speaking things into existence!), etc..

Callousness:
If you KNOW I am in a bind and you ignore it, you are not part of my life as a man. It's NOTHING worse than being stuck on the side of the road and you can't even rely on the person that's laying in your bed every night to come help you out.
Under this category falls when you don't care about my feelings in general. 
This is when you do something foul, issue a sorry apology (often being done several times over a course of time) and basically expect me to get over it. 
I.E. My birthday is  big deal to me, like most people, 
This year was the first one I celebrated since my mom died last year. She made big deals out of our birthdays, 
While I don't expect others to, if you plan something nice for me, I expect you to keep your word.
Plans were made for me that were not only NOT kept but the person told me to get over it.  I found out the day of, had packed my bags for two days get away and I proceeded to act as if it was no big deal. 
They basically told me to deal with the shit or get the fuck out their crib. It was my BIRTHDAY! I was crying on what should have been a really great weekend for me.
Well, 8 months later, while I don't hold a grudge, I am NOT over it. I am still hurt behind it. I forgave but I did not forget. I can't say that would be the kind of hurt you would forget.
I would NEVER do that to someone. It's cruel, it's mean and well, CALLOUS!

Disrespect:
Being mean spirited and trying to humble me is another  part  of being callous.
I am not walking around acting like I am all that. I hold my head up and have certain standards because I was raised that way.
I DO expect some sort of chilvary and for him to be a gentleman to me!
I.E. For my door to be opened to cars and buildings. I am a lady and I carry myself that way with my man and away from him. I represent him and I don't do things to embarrass him or emasculate him. So, opening my door should be a given. It's a requirement.
I should never have to feel embarassed because the person I am dealing with allows me to walk to their car, with other women and men around looking at me and open my OWN door! It's humiliating! I just feel strongly about it,
Calling me out of my name, cursing me out, any violence of any kind....DEALBREAKERS!

Indecisiveness:
Please know exactly what you want. If it's not me, stop faking it! Keep it 100! All of us have been let down at some point. I am 41! I have NOT gotten everyone I ever wanted. I have been rejected. I can handle it. What I can't handle being strung along because you want to keep me on board until you find the better option, or on YOUR timeline for when you want to settle down.
I am not a toy, a puppet or call girl.
And please don't say you don't want a relationship then act like you do when I want to leave or when you want a temporary woman. I am not a bedwarmer either.

Secrecy:
I don't know ANY of your friends, family, where you work or where you live and it's been months?! DEALBREAKER!
Okay so maybe not the family, but damn, your friends? To me, if I am being hidden, I'm a jump off, so I'mma jump off the crazy train and be out! 

Communication:
I don't have to talk to you fifty times a day. However, texts and  IMs aren't enough. Not EVERYTHING is meant to be discussed on text or IM. You can't tell someone's tone via texts. It's easy to misterpret. Too easy! 
I can't stand a man who can't express himself with words, who speaks in codes and beats around the bush.  That's a CHILD, that's not a man!
So many issues can be fixed with clear communication. So many misunderstandings can be cleared up. It makes room for bonds to grow stronger and trust to be built. 

I am not as complicated as I am made to be by people who don't want to do the work. ANY relationship takes work. If you want it, you do it. If you don't, you lose it. It's just THAT simple! There's no secret recipe or special formula for me. I just want honesty, respect, loyalty, trust communication and someone to hold me down like I hold them down. I don't mind building with someone. I don't have it all but I am growing and I want someone willing to grow with me as well. I deserve that much. I deserve THAT much and then some.

I had quite a year. I hope this next one is my best one yet! I am ready for whatever it brings and I welcome it!
I hope that 2016 brings you love and light, peace and prosperity, health and happiness.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!