Thinking Back, Looking Ahead: 2017 Year End Review

Basically, this last blog of 2017 will be the list of things I feel I learned or grew from.

My life is serene but serenity doesn't mean nothing is going on nor does it mean my life is fulfilled.

I am content but in the New Year, I plan to get all out of my comfort zone.

I have been in my safe place for far too long.

For now, I will go over some of the things that made my 2017 what it was.

• First, I lost 105 pounds! - After my Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy, I shed 105. I had to change my eating by force and I worked out. I did well! If I never lose another pound, I will be content. I lost a significant amount of weight and I am happy! I DEFINITELY plan to continue on this journey in life from 2018 and beyond!
• God is Good - All the time; all the time God is good! I found a new church home! I love it! It gives me a sense of peace and I actually LOVE going! It took me a long time to get back in touch with God and I am glad I did! I know my momma is smiling down on me!
• One Hot Momma - I am still parenting alone. Yes, the door of co-parenting is wide open but I cannot MAKE anyone do anything that is not in their heart. Anyone can say they love a child but if you are not building bonds with that child and making sure that child needs are met emotionally, mentally, physically and financially, your love is conditional. I love my child unconditionally! Period! 
• I started dating again - I am taking my time. I have not met anybody significant, Hell, I haven't even been on a date!  A LOT of these dudes in Atlanta play too many games. However, I know I asked God for a soulmate and I have NO DOUBT he will deliver. I was specific in my prayers and I am working on being the perfect soulmate for him, whoever he may be. I will NOT lower my standards, I will NOT settle and nothing anyone says will EVER make me question my worth SIMPLY because I am single. It's far too many people who think it's okay to bash a woman for it, act like everything she is discontent about reverts back to her singleness and that her main focus is getting a man. That's ignorance and narrow-mindedness and it REALLY HAS TO STOP! Who God has for me is for me and when he sends him, I will know!
• Work, Werk, Wurq, Wurk - I decided to make a career out of my job. This means I am looking to move around the company and I found a home there. I am pursuing higher positions and perfecting my current skill set to be able to advance easily.
• Moving Mountains - Someone told me that if they were me they would be in a panic because I am not making the money THEY feel I should.. Funny, they make a lot but it seems they have nothing to show for it. I am not going to panic when I have plans set in motion to advance. I will NOT panic when I trust in God and put it in his hands. He has taken seen me through the worst (losing my momma was the worst thing I ever felt!) and I came out UNSCATHED! I trust His will and no matter whatever else I go through I KNOW GOD GOT ME!

So in a short nutshell, that was my 2017! I am sure I missed a few things but those were THEE most significant things I learned and grew from. Life is a road and I plan to travel down that road as I please, how I please and at the pace I please! 

Happy New Year! #2018andbeyond

Swapping Adjectives

All too often when a woman,  especially a Black woman,  expresses her discontent with something,  we are saddled with the word bitter.
This is especially true of unwed, single mothers in my age group.
It's like we aren't free to express our dissatisfaction with ANYTHING or ANYONE,  especially the brothas,  without wearing that label.
That is an ill-conceived notion.
I honestly don't know a group of women who have had a tougher time in life than the Black woman.
That's nor to discredit white women and other women of color.
That's NOT what I'm saying by any means.
I can't speak on any other experiences other than that of a Black woman because that's what I am.
However,  I do know what I see.
One stark example that we're STILL NOT considered equal would be the fact that we're THEE MOST educated group yet if our resume has a name like Tamisha versus Jennifer (yes, I know several Black Jennifers),  guess who's more than likely getting called back first,  despite the résumé's content?
I've seen positions I qualified for be filled by white women with nothing going on upstairs when I wasn't even interviewed.
No,  I'm NOT paranoid;  this is STILL happening to this day!
However,  that's one example and honestly it's NOT what prompts people to call us bitter.
You know what does prompt that?;  Our relationship status.
Yes,  our relationship status has been the center of a LOT of disrespect to Black women.
Especially women over a certain age.
Especially Black women of a certain age who are single mothers.
There's an ENTIRE YouTube channel run by a Black male COMPLETELY focused on his disdain for Black women, but ESPECIALLY single mothers.
He has a huge following and sad to say they are mostly bitter Black men who are just as jaded as he is.
It is tough to see that much hatred of us from our own as much as we hold them down.
It's a slap in the face.
It turns out he had a kid he wasn't taking care of all this time,  he produced out of wedlock AND was on child support for!
Go fucking figure!
Yesterday,  I was talking to a 42 year old man (you'll see why I mentioned his age later).
We had been having phone conversations and texting when we couldn't talk.
We were really building a good rapport.
Or so I thought.
Anyway,  we're conversing and he said,  and I quote, "I was talking to this woman with four kids who had the nerve to say that she was going to wait on marriage before she had sex again. I told her ain't no man gone out up with that!"
I was taken aback by the boldness in his statement!
So naturally,  I questioned the validity of his statement.
What the Hell does he mean she had "the nerve"?
What was wrong with what she said?  So the conversation proceeded like this:

Me: Well,  why can't she choose what she wants to do with her body?
Him: Because she has FOUR kids!  Ain't no man gone put up with that!
Me: So wait,  because she has four kids she can't choose not to have sex outside of marriage now?
Him: That's not what I'm saying but she has four kids so that means it could have been four,  three or maybe even one man but she has FOUR kids.
Me: So the amount of kids she has determines if she can change her ways and morals, if we're assuming she has bad ways and no morals, and decide to wait for marriage before having sex again?
Him: I'm not saying that. I'm just saying no man is going to put up with that.
Me: Then explain it because you are basically saying she doesn't have a right to make that decision because she has four kids!
Him: That's not what I'm saying but ain't no man gonna put up with that!  A lot of other women agreed with me when I told them. They said the same thing! Ain't no man gonna put up with that.
Me: Then I wouldn't consider that a man; I would consider that a boy!
Him: We're two different people!
*He disconnects the call*

I was FLOORED!
Did this dude just hang up in my face because I disagreed?!
HOW CHILDISH!
He said he WASN'T saying she didn't have a right but that's EXACTLY what he was saying!
Well,  of COURSE we're two different people!
Men are from Mars,  women are from Venus but that doesn't negate the fact that you just said a woman,  especially a woman with children,  doesn't have a right to choose what she does with her body as long as man has a problem with it!
I am not a feminist,  however,THAT was total bullshit! 
This woman's value,  respectability and moral choices are being disregarded by the fact that she has four children.
That spoke VOLUMES for his character!
Women agreeing with him spoke volumes with how single Black women are viewing their worth also.
It shouldn't be a woman alive that would agree with that statement.
Then again, this is a rape culture we're living in.
Lack of respect for women's choices NOT to have sex start SOMEWHERE!
I'm NEVER going to agree with some chauvinist rhetoric like he was spewing!
Ever!
Not to be agreeable so I can have a man,  to side with him to get on his good side or to appear submissive.
That's simply NOT the way to go about it!
I don't mind being alone if that's what will have to put up with!
I don't know why it's okay to say these things and treat women this way for some men but it's NOT right!
I just know that when I put in my prayer  request to God for a soul mate, the things I have been enduring surely aren't on that list!
Respect for me as a woman,  a Black woman and a Black woman who is a single mother is at the very top of my list!
Respect, humility, being considerate and appreciation for me are top factors in my choice of a mate.
I have surely been met with disrespect,  cockiness and taking FULL advantage of my feelings (for them and in general)  since I reentered the dating world.
I definitely have NOT met my soul mate!
I imagine,  no,  I KNOW, many of my counterparts have not either.
These are GREAT women who require more and definitely DESERVE more.
Women, who like myself, desire to date and marry Black men (no shade to the sistahs that don't),  but can't even get respected by them!
I hope to see a change in the way we're treated because my faith in how society as a whole treats us is shaky, but the brothas aren't very reassuring that society is completely WRONG!

Maybe labeling us bitter isn't the best thing to do and it's FAR from fair!
We have been let down by our men and looked down upon by others for CENTURIES, yet we remain intelligent, loyal, patient, understanding and resilient!
We deserve a lot more credit than we are given and the MAIN people that should be holding us down our the brothas!
Period, point, blank!
WE AREN'T BITTER!  WE'RE JUST DISAPPOINTED! 

Lazy AF Dating

Yes,  you read it correctly;
I meant to say Lazy As Fuck Dating.
You all,  who've read my past postings know I am (well,  trying to be,  kinda sorta)  in the dating world.
I am not alone amongst my circle of friends in said dating world.
I have had a chance to speak to quite a few of them in regards to their experience.
Their experiences were very similar if not the same as mine.

The guys making attempts to date them are L-A-Z-Y!

I've heard and seen this (screenshots provide further evidence of how real the struggle is) occurring across social media amongst my peers as well. 
Take into account these infractions are occurring online on dating apps and sites and social media (people often make attempts to date people through Facebook, Instagram and other sites as well)

Take into account Exhibit A:

Carrying the conversation

Fellas,  unless we're in it for the sex,  most of us want someone we can talk to. 

You all KNOW women like to talk so if you ever plan to get far enough with one who's looking for something deeper, no pun intended, then you MUST be able to hold a decent conversation! 

Why are we starting AND carrying the conversation?
There is NO WAY we should strike up a conversation and get hit with a dry ass, "Hi."!
Damn, he was too lazy to throw an exclamation point on the Hi to at least sound enthused? 
You should be able to fully articulate and with the abundance of topics in the world to discuss, you should be able to talk about anything and everything, and everything and nothing

Giving Up the Digits

Shooting your number after saying hello doesn't make me want to call you!  We haven't had ANY dialogue! 
I also don't want to have a million conversations via in boxing on a website either. 
If you're genuinely interested in a woman, get her number. 
After the first message,  no, don't ask for her number. 
It seems like you're rushing things and just about every woman I spoke to said this makes them leery! 
All we did was match each other and I already have your number? 
So,  do you do this with ALL your matches? 
Not that whoever else you're speaking to is of a concern to me,  but I wonder if you have ANY discretion since just anybody can have your number. 
However,  if we have a good dialogue built up,  it's natural to want to know more about the person. 
Personally, I REFUSE to get to know someone via text messages and DMs! 
I will not do it! 
Too much can be misconstrued via text! 
We want to know that you can hold a decent conversation and keep us mentally stimulated.
Oh,  please,  don't let that conversation be filled with ways you can physically stimulate us either!

Asking a Woman To Chill

Ahhhh,  the good ol' reliable Netflix and chill! 
This works for some. 
However, if you're dating with a purpose,  that's not an option when first meeting someone to which you have no
commitment. 
Even if she's just dating period,  why would she not want to go out to get a sense of the type of person you are? 
I'm not saying that you have to take her to a five star restaurant. 
I don't want to sit across from someone who I have zero chemistry with for a few hours either! 
I'm NOT that hard up for a meal! 
I also realize how little effort it takes to have a woman come to your home and all you've spent is 7.99 that month. 
It's not even how much you spent that's the problem;
It's the lack of trying that poses an issue.

              Poor Communication

A major complaint in the Lazy AF Dating is communication! 
Again,  trying to get to know a woman via text,  slow to no responses, not returning phone calls or the dreaded not answering but replying by text right after, or not hearing from you for DAYS on end is LAZY AS FUCK!
I cannot STAND a rude man!
I am ALWAYS going to speak up about it.
I am a lot less dismissive about some things, but this is a dealbreaker for me!
Even if I am not interested in someone I have the decency to reply back to them and be polite.
I consider their feelings and I know all too well what it feels like to have my time wasted.
I don't think anyone deserves that, who hasn't done anything to you.
I will be honest with them about it, so as not to waste their time.
Who wants to sit there calling someone, texting someone and pulling teeth to get them to respond to them?

I know with me, if I see you have the propensity to be inconsiderate to me, I am cutting my losses while I still have my pride. I refuse to be made a fool of!
Curving someone seems to be a trend going on from some dudes.
The issue with that is, I am NOT that chick!
I am not that chick that curved you in the past that you're mad at. Oh, BELIEVE me, the last person I dated said something similar to me when I asked why he did whatever he had done to hurt me. He actually said that it was done to him. So, I guess shit trickled downhill to me!
He later tried to backtrack and say he only said that because he was angry but that shit was the TRUTH!
I'm not about to be added to your list of holla back girls either.
You can't pick and choose when you talk to me.
That's not how this works; that's not how any of this works!

Putting Zero Creativity Into A Date

There are legit, entire sites that are full of good cheap dates. Pinterest is one of them!

There is LITERALLY no excuse for putting zero effort into making sure she has a good time.

I have been wanting to go on a picnic for a long time.

A VERY long time!

I expressed that to someone I was dating and for ten months he blew it off like it was nothing (take into consideration he was the same did that told me he did something hurtful to me because it was done to him).

I GAVE him the idea on a silver platter and he basically chose scraps.

I don't know why some fellas think we all want to go to fancy restaurants for every date.

That's very mundane and quite limited!

Think outside the box sometimes!

If you know any of her interests (if you cared enough to ask), it should NOT be hard to impress her! 

We're not as complicated as you think!

These are just like the basic ABCs of dating.

It's not even touching on relationship behaviors because it seems like it's hard to even get through the very bare necessities of dating to GET to a relationship and that's just sad.

The reason the divorce rate is lowering is because AIN'T NOBODY GETTING MARRIED! 

(You know it's serious when I break out in double negatives!)

Hell, if you can't get past dating how in the Hell are you walking down the aisle.

I am not so desperate to get married that I am putting up with lazy as fuck dating!

AIN'T NO WAY! (There those double negatives are again!)
While I do have lots of single friends, my married friends' husbands didn't have to be schooled on ANY of this when they were dating.
That's how they knew he was the one and a cut above the rest!

I am just NOT willing to do ALL the work!

He HAS to work with me!
I can work with a brotha and I have, but not one resting on his laurels and putting in zero effort to date me.
If fellas do the work they would see it's way easier than they make it out to be!
It's NOT a job but if you look at it that way, you'll dread it naturally.
Dating should NEVER be this frustrating for either party.
This is basically the easiest stage of any (impending) relationship!

Lazy AF dating really makes me consider closely WHO and HOW I am dating and thinking of the changes I need to implement.
I have standards and I am not settling for anything outside of those; even in dating.
Fellas will find that at this stage in the game, more and more women are doing more of the same.
I know that I have to be willing to take my leaps of faith and try some things outside the box myself (See my Celibacy: Not Getting Any or Not Giving Any post).
I know what I am worth, what I expect and what I need, and I can say with certainty, there's NOTHING lazy as fuck about it!

Celibacy: Not Getting Any or Not Giving Any?

Today, boys and girls, we are going to discuss celibacy!

Yay! This should be fun!

Just the other day my best friend and Jae I were discussing celibacy. 

She stated that she was talking to a guy who brazenly asked her when the last time she had sex was (as if that's ANY if his business).

Well she didn't give him a timeframe but she told him she is currently celibate.

This "gentleman" proceeded to ask her why and then tell her that he is free spirited and living his life and she should try it because it's so liberating.

I..was..floored!

Needless to say, so was she!

There were SEVERAL things wrong with his statement.

1.  It's NONE of his business WHY she chose celibacy
2. Just be cause she chose celibacy doesn't mean she is not liberated or living a full or satisfying life.
3.  His intent wasn't pure by any means! He just wanted her to be "liberated" with HIM!

I thought that was SO disrespectful to not see her celibacy as a decision she freely made. 

Unfortunately, many men and women feel that because the person THEY so desire is not sleeping with them at the moment they request they can't get any or are having a dry spell.

Well, if that was the case, wouldn't they jump at the chance to bed you?

There ARE people out here fully choosing to remain celibate.

It's not all about religion either.

However choosing NOT to create new Soul Ties to someone who you don't love, who doesn't love you and doesn't consider you a soul mate nor do you consider them a soul mate, can NEVER be a bad decision!

Being celibate doesn't make you any better or worse than anyone else in my opinion. You're just opting NOT to share a part of your body and soul with someone you feel isn't right for YOU! That doesn't make THEM a bad person either by the way. 

 I think people really have an issue with celibacy too because they get the impression that that person is angry or using sex as a weapon.

Sometimes people need to focus on themselves and not let anything cloud their minds.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to remain focused. At all!

I have been on a weight loss journey and a before that journey I was healing from a wound I got when I was run over by my car.

I was solely focused on healing, recovery and getting into the flow of my weight loss goals. Sex was THEE furthest from my mind.

So yes, people do find things more important than sex these days. Lot of people find lots of things more important than sex!

Don't get it twisted; sex can be AMAZING! I personally find it more amazing when I am head over heels in love with someone and I know they feel the same about me.

It's a double edged sword though because sex can be amazing if there is a really strong physical attraction without love too. Mentally and emotionally, however, I don't feel satisfied at the end of the day. Many people share this sentiment.

All I can really do is stick to the path I am trying to blaze.

I can't let any distractions veer me from it and get me unfocused.

I have prayed for my soulmate and he is out there.

I defeat the purpose of my prayers by not waiting for "him" and doing things backwards.

I have to trust the phttps://www.yahoo.com/news/eric-bolling-apos-19-old-183106051.htmlrocess.

For me, unfulfilling meaningless sex isn't part of MY process.
It defeats the whole purpose of my prayer as well.
It also seems as if I question faith, which I don't and don't plan to start.
I know I a doing the right thing for myself because I don't even feel like I am missing out on anything whatsoever physically.
I felt like I was missing out mentally, emotionally and spiritually before I decided to be celibate.
It wasn't a good feeling.
I don't have that feeling currently because there is no one taking parts of my soul anymore and no doing anything positive with it.
I don't feel used, drained or void of emotion.
I just hope my soulmate is out there doing as I am to improve himself for me as I am for him.

The Emacipation of MishMish

I vlog about my weight loss surgery, my best friend's death and current events in my life!

Year End Review: 2016

Oh crap! 
I really almost forgot to post this! 
I wanted to go over my year and how it went but I'm wondering if it's really necessary. 
Honestly, not much changed and I didn't make nearly as much progress as I wanted until the final hour. 
That's keeping it all the way real. 
I didn't get a big promotion I wanted,  I didn't get published like I wanted (I'm still waiting on responses from that), I lost my car to an accident and have a scarred wound as a result. 
I am still single and I'm not searching. 
I don't even have an interest in that because I'm not happy with me so how can I be happy with another? 
Other than that; my life stood still.
However, I am not happy about it and I do not even begin to act like I am. 
I am not miserable. 
Don't get it twisted. 
I love being alive but I want to LIVE! 
Change is not in my words; it's in my actions. 
Resolutions? 
They are not for me. 
Praying for guidance, working my way around obstacles and stepping out on a limb are right up my alley. 
I don't need a new year to make that happen. Changes like that are constant! 
I will say that I finally did something about my weight. 
I had gastric sleeve surgery on December 15th. 
I am struggling with protein intake, keeping food down and on a strict liquid diet. 
So before anyone states the, "You took the easy way out." Stop yourself. 
This...is..HARD! 
At 359 pounds, there's no easy way out of anything. Know this! 
I've lost 30 pounds to date. 
It's a work in progress. 
I also am reenrolling in school. 
My future looks so bleak without a higher degree. The one I have won't suffice in today's world. Times have changed and I need to adapt. 
I was in tears at the thought of this struggle being my life. 
I can't do it anymore.
God didn't intend this for me. 
God has better plans for me. 
God helps those who help themselves. 
So, I'm doing just that.
So I'm going to study hard,  bust my ass, lose sleep, miss out on fun just to ensure I can enjoy the pleasures in life forever and make sure to set an example for my beautiful little girl. 
Co-habitating with family is not what I imagined. 
Yes, adults all need their own space but some families make it work cuz they love each other. 
I have one family member that doesn't think this way. 
There's no dramatics to speak of,  no threats or anything of that sort but my intuition never lies. 
Some people don't value family and the closeness of family even though we weren't raised that way. 
My mother would be so disappointed but I have to say myself and my sibling I'm closest to are definitely making my mother proud!
We are loving, caring genuinely and we talk almost daily to keep our bond tight. 
We don't speak out of obligation. It's real and heartfelt. 
It's no shade but I call a spade a spade. 
It used to be so hurtful but I am surrounded by very loving people in other areas of life so it balances out.
I'm good! 
So, in the Spring my daughter and I will be moving out on our own so we can breathe and have our space and feel at home. 
It's going to be hard but it's what needs to happen for my peace of mind and hers. 
I will pray for my family to be blessed regardless and that God works on their heart and spirit. 
I won't claim 2017 as "my year" as many have. That's not knocking those who do either. 
How can I claim it when so many others are accomplishing so much as well. 
Every year on Earth has to be "my year" because God blessed me to see it! 
So, I say Happy New Year!  
Be blessed, live your dreams and prosper! 

You Dropped Your Dime

Flashback Friday to a Facebook Note I wrote in 2008. 
Even then I had the foresight to see that no one should treat you a way you don't deserve and that what they don't appreciate someone else WILL! 
Enjoy the screenshots.

Coming to My Senses

So just the other day I was talking to my best friend about lack of communication from guys that we date. I was telling her that they don't realize how much time they give us to think when they disappear and don't reach out to us for days. Trust me, we have a lot of time to process things!

Now, you are probably saying that it also gives us time to over analyze things as well, and this is true. 

However, if the lines of communication were open, we would have a crystal clear picture of how the guy feels, what he's thinking and won't be left guessing.

The time that the guy disappears also gives us time to come to our senses.

We know that nothing short of bodily injury, and sometimes even that, will keep a man from contacting a woman he is truly interested in. 

There aren't enough blogs,  vlogs, and everything in between, from men themselves, verifying that. 

But damn all that; it's clear!

It's not rocket science,  chemistry or geometry. It's rather simple; when he wants to be in touch with you he will! 

Now, ladies,  a lot of you are guilty of letting them get missing and then going for their excuses when they pop back up.

I am guilty of this. 

There comes a time on your life,  when you reach a certain age,  where that's not acceptable.

I'm 42. I don't date ANYONE who is not fully aware that communication is key in any developing or developed relationship. Whether they take heed to that determines if they are allowed to stay in my space.

I don't care how much I like you,  if you make excuse after excuse for not communicating, I am gone. 

The thing about that is, you're communicating with SOMEONE,  it's just not me!

I'm cool with not being "the one". I'm not cool with a man not being 100 about me not being the one! 

Building up false ass hope with sporadic texts doesn't work for very long. As I stated, we come to our senses in your absence. 

I'm not perfect  but I'm a dope ass chick.

You're probably saying, "If you're so dope,  why are you single?"

Honestly, I wish I knew. 

You can gather by my past blogs though,  I haven't met any stellar gentleman that I ran off with my bluntness and my straight forward, Aries personality. I just haven't met any stellar gentlemen AT ALL! 

I have faith that they are still out there so I keep trying.  

I need to branch out in where I am meeting them however (clearly,  online dating is a huge failure).

I am on Meet Up but as confident and outgoing as I am,  I haven't mustered up the courage to go to one. I have valid excuses at the moment (a wrecked car and an injured right leg are pretty good reasons). 

My recent car accident and injury knocked some sense into me about the men in my midst. When times like this are upon you,  you see who is there for you when you need them mentally, emotionally and physically. 

No excuse will validate someone not at least communicating to see if you're still breathing at a time like that! 

I was literally run over by my car and when I tell you not one man in my midst was there for me mentally,  emotionally or phsycially, I do not exaggerate!

I was off for a week and could barely walk and I was isolated and alone. Oh,  add to that,  I don't have a legally driveable car so THAT was when I needed the most help I EVER needed. 

It gave me time to think,  it gave me time to process and it have me time to reevaluate.

Why isn't anyone calling to ask how I really feel?  Do they realize I could have died? Do they realize I'm shaken to my core? Do they realize how painful it is for a 2 ton vehicle to run over your body? Do they realize I just lost my ONLY means of transportation and I have a kid I am a single mom to?

Do they realize how expensive Uber and car rentals are? 

So many question went through my mind. 

While it's not their responsiblity, it's mine, there is also knowing that when someone cares about you,  they help when they can. Rather that be mentally,  emotionally,  financially or physically,  they do what they can because they care and they want you to know it beyond a shadow of a doubt.

It opened up so many revelations for me. I just saw the truth for what it is even though I asked for the truth straight out. 

It put so many things into perspective for me.

I realized that I had clouded vision, I realized I wasn't thinking clearly and most importantly it made me come to my senses. 

Lasso The Moon

One day,  my big heart will work out for me.
Unfortunately, that day is probably not coming anytime soon.
No,  this is not about woe is me and there's no need to cue the violins. I am just telling it like it is.
People close to me still can't wrap their mind around me being so frank and honest when I blog. However, I am the same way face to face. This is just me translating that to "paper".
I. Am. A. Hopeless. Romantic.
I said it and I confess.
Still,  I don't fall in love THAT easily.
I am not in love now as I write this but there's always that possibility looming in the air.
I just realize that right now, it might not be in the stars for me.
Before you go thinking what I am saying is mumbo jumbo, consider this;  if the alignment of the moon and the sun can cause catastrophic events all over the planet,  imagine what it can do in our lives!
I am intense when I decide to open my heart.
Not the boil your rabbit,  sit outside your house in the bushes and hack your accounts type of intense.
I'm the ride or die, stand by your man even when he's in the trenches, baby-you-can-run-the-world-and-I-gotchu kind of intense.
A lot of people can't handle that. There have been few who can. They were also intense when they loved. 
So,  there HAVE been ones who reached the deepest depths of my heart.
It just wasn't meant to be at that time.
Many factors could have played a part. It could be that we weren't doing what we should in other areas for things to fall into place.
When I look back,  we weren't!
It can't be one person doing everything right and the other is not. It will never work.
Sidebar: I have witnessed this with other relationships and I DO NOT envy them! I'd die alone before I accept that from any man just to say I have one! I say this to you at the age of 42 (I am never afraid to tell my age because my parents good genes passed down to me and I look lots younger than I am!  Thank you, God, for small blessings!).
I have seen relationships where one person is using the other whose giving everything they have to them, one person is cheating while the other is at home waiting faithfully, people  who are secretly in love with others and etc. There's no way the cosmos will bless unions like that!  They are NOT aligned!
I am extra careful what I put out in the universe because I feel like our energy,  our vibes and our aura create the what we get back!
Being positive is WORK, anything rewarding in life is WORK and anything meant to last for life is WORK!
Don't ever doubt that!
The payoff,  however, now that's all worth it!
I realize that I do have to do some changing just as the universe is ever changing.
I know what I offer and I know what I want but something HAS to be off.  I am big enough to realize that.
Maybe I need to rein in my intensity some. I can't call it but know I am willing to be totally open to the changes that I need to make, whatever they may be.
The only way I will get answers from the Universe is if I pray to the Creator of it.
This might be part of the issue in of itself.
I am guilty of not praying when I should or even when I need it the most.
One thing that I won't change is my requirements.
I require more than what a lot of others are accepting and that's saying a LOT because I don't require that much.

Every time I hear Ready or Not by After 7, I say it's exactly the song I hear in my head when someone asks me what I want.

I think to myself, "If you want to know what I REALLY want then sit up and take notes when that song comes on!"

Yeah,  I'm sure you're saying, "This chick is nuts!  A man can't give her everything!"
Those men KNOW they can't possibly give their women the sun,  the rain,  the moon,  the stars and the mountains AND THE WORLD and even more.  I can promise you this though; they were willing to try! That alone speaks VOLUMES!
You see the picture I linked is from Bruce Almighty. He was named God for a period of time and just because he knew how much his lady loved full moons,  he lassoed the moon to bring it's shine and beauty closer to her!  It doesn't get much better than that!
The moral of the story is: I just want someone who will lasso the moon for me in their way. They do it because they can,  they are willing and able.
The issue has been that I have not found the one willing to do so yet.
I would love to.
I know for a fact I am worth it,  would make him feel appreciated for it and show reciprocity.
It's not a tall order for someone truly ready. The part of being ready falls on me too. I will do what I need to make sure I am ready to receive that!

I will keep my eyes open for my moon wranglers in the mean time though. If they have the sun, the rain,  the stars, the mountains, the world and more,  I'll take that too!  He'd never be able to say he found a woman that loved and appreciated him for that more than he could say of me!