Outgrowing Your Own Bull----

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Outgrowing Your Own Bull----

We have to be real with ourselves amd know when we're wallowing in sh!+

https://youtu.be/izLeimHyjmc

The Dents In My Crown

I always seem to dig the inspirational pics floating around

that tell I should remember to always wear my crown

it just seems to me that somewhere in the dark

Is someone meaning me no good and trying to steal my spark

When he comes to light, your guts says not let him in

cuz you think that you're judging this one, for that one's past sin

I ignore my instincts and the waves in my gut

and chalk it up to nerves or maybe even lust

I forgot  my worth

traded my stock in for hurt

accepted far less than I should

cuz just maybe he's some good

Potential means nothing if he doesn't live up to it

waiting for him to make a change but I already knew it

was never gonna happen he just kept taking and taking

He shoulda had an S on HIS chest so why am I doing the caping?

I accept them with chinks in their armor

Hand over my heart without thinking how much they going to harm her

Nurturing by nature

Never organically trained to hate yah

I have jewels of wisdom but my crown is missing a few

Said to myself, to thine own self, be true

Trying to lead with your heart, girl, but where's the man to lead you?

Following blindly in hopes I won't be left at confused

I've hidden my regal stature and downplayed what I need

While feeding into his desires,  selfishness, and greed

I never fail to give my all

He never deems to catch me when I start to fall

I don't listen to instinct,  even when I know what's right

I feel like I'll fail him by giving up the fight

But like I'm sparring with someone to give my love and affection

It should never be a war to form that connection

we never look up, open our eyes and look around

we end up settling for less and putting dents in our crown

I feel like I'm following the same endless trail

That leads to broken hearts and relationships that fail

I just want the effort I give to be given in return

That's a blessing I know I long ago earned 

I just have to touch my crown some days to make sure it's even there

I feel like it fell off completely back there

Where is back there when you don't know where you were?

When everything you thought you were clear about is suddenly a blur

You doubt your every fiber, you can't be sure what you're doing wrong

You're left in the wake of hurt, anger, and frustration while your violators move right along

I am so weary of the way my intuition

Screams and yells when it's not right that often I don't listen

I am so ready to feel that stir in my spirit

That unmistakable message that's he's my soul mate, I pray soon, I hear it

I know my prayers never fall on deaf ears

I have to learn patience  and learn to find me

I love who I am inside and out, and do so unconditionally

I second guess myself based on excuses from those most undeserving

I know who I am and what I offer, self-doubt for me is not purposed serving

It's so easy to believe what others say is our fault when they are flawed as ever

with those kinds of poisonous people, my ties will be severed

It's not a case of forgetting who I was because that won't change for anyone

it's remembering my value that came a little undone

Feelings of inadequacy overpowered my good sense

Wondering if I measured up, shattered my confidence

Feeling I needed closure on an open and shut case

When everything I needed to move forward was right in my face 

It's nothing I needed to see and nothing I needed to have confirmed

Just that I needed to take gems for my crown in those lessons learned

The strength I had before didn't weaken over time

I'm still resilient and full of energy and I'll be just fine

So it's time for me to look up, open my eyes and look around

I will never again settle for less and fix these dents in my crown

Celibacy: Not Getting Any or Not Giving Any?

Today, boys and girls, we are going to discuss celibacy!

Yay! This should be fun!

Just the other day my best friend and Jae I were discussing celibacy. 

She stated that she was talking to a guy who brazenly asked her when the last time she had sex was (as if that's ANY if his business).

Well she didn't give him a timeframe but she told him she is currently celibate.

This "gentleman" proceeded to ask her why and then tell her that he is free spirited and living his life and she should try it because it's so liberating.

I..was..floored!

Needless to say, so was she!

There were SEVERAL things wrong with his statement.

1.  It's NONE of his business WHY she chose celibacy
2. Just be cause she chose celibacy doesn't mean she is not liberated or living a full or satisfying life.
3.  His intent wasn't pure by any means! He just wanted her to be "liberated" with HIM!

I thought that was SO disrespectful to not see her celibacy as a decision she freely made. 

Unfortunately, many men and women feel that because the person THEY so desire is not sleeping with them at the moment they request they can't get any or are having a dry spell.

Well, if that was the case, wouldn't they jump at the chance to bed you?

There ARE people out here fully choosing to remain celibate.

It's not all about religion either.

However choosing NOT to create new Soul Ties to someone who you don't love, who doesn't love you and doesn't consider you a soul mate nor do you consider them a soul mate, can NEVER be a bad decision!

Being celibate doesn't make you any better or worse than anyone else in my opinion. You're just opting NOT to share a part of your body and soul with someone you feel isn't right for YOU! That doesn't make THEM a bad person either by the way. 

 I think people really have an issue with celibacy too because they get the impression that that person is angry or using sex as a weapon.

Sometimes people need to focus on themselves and not let anything cloud their minds.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to remain focused. At all!

I have been on a weight loss journey and a before that journey I was healing from a wound I got when I was run over by my car.

I was solely focused on healing, recovery and getting into the flow of my weight loss goals. Sex was THEE furthest from my mind.

So yes, people do find things more important than sex these days. Lot of people find lots of things more important than sex!

Don't get it twisted; sex can be AMAZING! I personally find it more amazing when I am head over heels in love with someone and I know they feel the same about me.

It's a double edged sword though because sex can be amazing if there is a really strong physical attraction without love too. Mentally and emotionally, however, I don't feel satisfied at the end of the day. Many people share this sentiment.

All I can really do is stick to the path I am trying to blaze.

I can't let any distractions veer me from it and get me unfocused.

I have prayed for my soulmate and he is out there.

I defeat the purpose of my prayers by not waiting for "him" and doing things backwards.

I have to trust the phttps://www.yahoo.com/news/eric-bolling-apos-19-old-183106051.htmlrocess.

For me, unfulfilling meaningless sex isn't part of MY process.
It defeats the whole purpose of my prayer as well.
It also seems as if I question faith, which I don't and don't plan to start.
I know I a doing the right thing for myself because I don't even feel like I am missing out on anything whatsoever physically.
I felt like I was missing out mentally, emotionally and spiritually before I decided to be celibate.
It wasn't a good feeling.
I don't have that feeling currently because there is no one taking parts of my soul anymore and no doing anything positive with it.
I don't feel used, drained or void of emotion.
I just hope my soulmate is out there doing as I am to improve himself for me as I am for him.

Lifting Burdens, Finding Clarity and Speaking my Peace

"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you."
Dr. Maya Angelou

I need to gain clarity. I am so homesick! Back in South Florida I would jump in my car, drive East and ride along the beach with my windows down while deep in thought. But for now all I have are these words and I have some stuff to get off my chest.

I am just not myself. I am going though the motions and sensitive to everything. I have a lot on my plate but I am barely eating. I have to figure out so many things I have no answers to, all while I have a young child in tow. However, I don't miss a beat, even with all that going on. So when I feel something is amiss, I separate myself from that situation and those people.

Aside from my family and those I consider family, anyone else bringing me untruths, confusion, playing on my intelligence, disregarding what I am going through and being selfish, I have NOTHING for you!
I am not entertaining you or your madness, for I have enough of my own.
I am not listening to or focusing on you if you ignore me and disregard what I am feeling.
If you're shoruded in secrecy, I definitely don't trust you as far as I can see you and I don't trust you then. I can't be an open book to you and I can't even read your preface.
Indecisiveness is not something I do. I don't straddle fences by any means. I always know exactly what I want and need and I state it. I don't say anything I don't mean. If I said it I meant it. I don't talk to hear myself talk and I don't say what sounds good just because it sounds good.

Right now, NONE of your issues trump mine unless you just lost your mother so I don't have the energy to devote to you feeling sorry for yourself. If you can't understand that great of a loss for me and push aside your woe-is-me sob stories for ONCE in your life, then you don't have any business in my life. You have a chance to fix these issues but you opt not to by making excuses, you shuck your responsibility and think you deserve to be blessed, you make empty promises and you are not a person whose words are their bond. 

And for that, you aren't allowed to cloud my aura with your dark presence. I simply won't stand for it. I can put up with a LOT of things but I have boundaries. When every adjective I can think of for you is negative.. You..gotta..GO!
If you're family or a friend you wouldn't bring any of that to me anyway.

Since, driving to the beach is not an option, I will rely on what I did before I took my long drives, and that was prayer. 

Some of you have some serious demons and don't realize it. Hell, dare I say it, some of you ARE demons. Sure you go to church, bible study and pray, but you aren't praying for the things that carry you through life to death. For example it never occurred to you to ask for love, a soulmate, and your own family. You're asking for the here and now and not wise enough to see that God doesn't mind you asking for more as long as it's on accordance to what the Bible says.

I guess you can challenge me and say I don't to church and you do, but so does the Devil. Marinate on that...I might not go to church every Sunday but I will implore you to tell me I am wrong about that. Then explain in detail why I am wrong. I promise you, you would lose that battle.

I have my daughter to think of. And she's NOT going to be hurt by seeing me hurt. I had to try to lie to my child and cover up what was happening that was causing me emotional pain or try to explain to her that something she was excited about for us both, isn't going to happen in our lives.
And she was confused and I saw it in her face. I drew a line in the sand and it was crossed the moment she didn't get what was happening. And I almost lost my cool in front of her. I knew then I had enough!
Getting my hopes up is one thing but when that crosses over to my child, you're asking for a war you are not prepared to fight. You will see a side of me unlike ever before. Everything even remotely nice and understanding about me is over where she's involved. I simply won't stand for it from her blood or otherwise. That I will never compromise on.

I don't have anything left to say right now. I am numb but I still feel a barrage of emotions so great it overwhelms me. But at least how I feel is clear and concise and no one is confused or left to wonder. I laid it all on the table.. I simply said it.

Just like most things in life, these feelings are subject to change without any notice. I an human and human emotions ate never set in stone. But as it stands for now...this is what it is.

And until I see change there will be none from me. Idle threats and empty promises aren't my style but being 100% authentic and standing  by my word are. And I mean every single syllable. I regret nothing  and I take nothing back.

The late great Dr. Maya Angelou said something so profound that it has opened my eyes time and time again when I face situations like this. I look to that statement as I leave you with it.

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." - Dr. Maya Angelou