Outgrowing Your Own Bull----

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Outgrowing Your Own Bull----

We have to be real with ourselves amd know when we're wallowing in sh!+

https://youtu.be/izLeimHyjmc

Never Forget Your Worth!

Being single & dating is super hard!

Single women don’t want to be embarrassed in front of their friends anymore than a woman who’s in a relationship does!

We don’t want to have only adventures of sex to tell our friends! 

We want to talk about how you came in & brought us some flowers, took us out, how you try to get to know our heart, how you love us just when we are, that you have your own mind and that you take us just how we are.

We want to build with someone,  love someone unconditionally, hold down &  be held down, ALL THAT! 

We are humans with feelings too & people need to remember we sre not these heartless, emotionless,  "crazy", lonely people they peg us as!

Y'all better stop acting like it's something wrong with us, we're expecting too much and needing too much before you miss your blessing!  

You can definitely switch gears with someone who you allowed to do things you usually don’t tolerate.

Don’t let anybody tell you something like, “That's not how we were in the beginning so why are you trying to switch up now?”

The answer to that is you let them try you long enough! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

Sometimes we try to compromise because we feel like we’re being unreasonable with our requests and because we really love somebody,  but never second-guess your own judgment. 

Dealbreakers are just that; dealbreakers.!

Don't let somebody tell you that you don’t deserve the best treatment because you don’t look a certain way, or because you don’t do things exactly the way they want you to all the time, or you don't allow them to treat you a certain types of way, or for any reason!

Demand the best because you deserve the best!

The Dents In My Crown

I always seem to dig the inspirational pics floating around

that tell I should remember to always wear my crown

it just seems to me that somewhere in the dark

Is someone meaning me no good and trying to steal my spark

When he comes to light, your guts says not let him in

cuz you think that you're judging this one, for that one's past sin

I ignore my instincts and the waves in my gut

and chalk it up to nerves or maybe even lust

I forgot  my worth

traded my stock in for hurt

accepted far less than I should

cuz just maybe he's some good

Potential means nothing if he doesn't live up to it

waiting for him to make a change but I already knew it

was never gonna happen he just kept taking and taking

He shoulda had an S on HIS chest so why am I doing the caping?

I accept them with chinks in their armor

Hand over my heart without thinking how much they going to harm her

Nurturing by nature

Never organically trained to hate yah

I have jewels of wisdom but my crown is missing a few

Said to myself, to thine own self, be true

Trying to lead with your heart, girl, but where's the man to lead you?

Following blindly in hopes I won't be left at confused

I've hidden my regal stature and downplayed what I need

While feeding into his desires,  selfishness, and greed

I never fail to give my all

He never deems to catch me when I start to fall

I don't listen to instinct,  even when I know what's right

I feel like I'll fail him by giving up the fight

But like I'm sparring with someone to give my love and affection

It should never be a war to form that connection

we never look up, open our eyes and look around

we end up settling for less and putting dents in our crown

I feel like I'm following the same endless trail

That leads to broken hearts and relationships that fail

I just want the effort I give to be given in return

That's a blessing I know I long ago earned 

I just have to touch my crown some days to make sure it's even there

I feel like it fell off completely back there

Where is back there when you don't know where you were?

When everything you thought you were clear about is suddenly a blur

You doubt your every fiber, you can't be sure what you're doing wrong

You're left in the wake of hurt, anger, and frustration while your violators move right along

I am so weary of the way my intuition

Screams and yells when it's not right that often I don't listen

I am so ready to feel that stir in my spirit

That unmistakable message that's he's my soul mate, I pray soon, I hear it

I know my prayers never fall on deaf ears

I have to learn patience  and learn to find me

I love who I am inside and out, and do so unconditionally

I second guess myself based on excuses from those most undeserving

I know who I am and what I offer, self-doubt for me is not purposed serving

It's so easy to believe what others say is our fault when they are flawed as ever

with those kinds of poisonous people, my ties will be severed

It's not a case of forgetting who I was because that won't change for anyone

it's remembering my value that came a little undone

Feelings of inadequacy overpowered my good sense

Wondering if I measured up, shattered my confidence

Feeling I needed closure on an open and shut case

When everything I needed to move forward was right in my face 

It's nothing I needed to see and nothing I needed to have confirmed

Just that I needed to take gems for my crown in those lessons learned

The strength I had before didn't weaken over time

I'm still resilient and full of energy and I'll be just fine

So it's time for me to look up, open my eyes and look around

I will never again settle for less and fix these dents in my crown

Celibacy: Not Getting Any or Not Giving Any?

Today, boys and girls, we are going to discuss celibacy!

Yay! This should be fun!

Just the other day my best friend and Jae I were discussing celibacy. 

She stated that she was talking to a guy who brazenly asked her when the last time she had sex was (as if that's ANY if his business).

Well she didn't give him a timeframe but she told him she is currently celibate.

This "gentleman" proceeded to ask her why and then tell her that he is free spirited and living his life and she should try it because it's so liberating.

I..was..floored!

Needless to say, so was she!

There were SEVERAL things wrong with his statement.

1.  It's NONE of his business WHY she chose celibacy
2. Just be cause she chose celibacy doesn't mean she is not liberated or living a full or satisfying life.
3.  His intent wasn't pure by any means! He just wanted her to be "liberated" with HIM!

I thought that was SO disrespectful to not see her celibacy as a decision she freely made. 

Unfortunately, many men and women feel that because the person THEY so desire is not sleeping with them at the moment they request they can't get any or are having a dry spell.

Well, if that was the case, wouldn't they jump at the chance to bed you?

There ARE people out here fully choosing to remain celibate.

It's not all about religion either.

However choosing NOT to create new Soul Ties to someone who you don't love, who doesn't love you and doesn't consider you a soul mate nor do you consider them a soul mate, can NEVER be a bad decision!

Being celibate doesn't make you any better or worse than anyone else in my opinion. You're just opting NOT to share a part of your body and soul with someone you feel isn't right for YOU! That doesn't make THEM a bad person either by the way. 

 I think people really have an issue with celibacy too because they get the impression that that person is angry or using sex as a weapon.

Sometimes people need to focus on themselves and not let anything cloud their minds.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to remain focused. At all!

I have been on a weight loss journey and a before that journey I was healing from a wound I got when I was run over by my car.

I was solely focused on healing, recovery and getting into the flow of my weight loss goals. Sex was THEE furthest from my mind.

So yes, people do find things more important than sex these days. Lot of people find lots of things more important than sex!

Don't get it twisted; sex can be AMAZING! I personally find it more amazing when I am head over heels in love with someone and I know they feel the same about me.

It's a double edged sword though because sex can be amazing if there is a really strong physical attraction without love too. Mentally and emotionally, however, I don't feel satisfied at the end of the day. Many people share this sentiment.

All I can really do is stick to the path I am trying to blaze.

I can't let any distractions veer me from it and get me unfocused.

I have prayed for my soulmate and he is out there.

I defeat the purpose of my prayers by not waiting for "him" and doing things backwards.

I have to trust the phttps://www.yahoo.com/news/eric-bolling-apos-19-old-183106051.htmlrocess.

For me, unfulfilling meaningless sex isn't part of MY process.
It defeats the whole purpose of my prayer as well.
It also seems as if I question faith, which I don't and don't plan to start.
I know I a doing the right thing for myself because I don't even feel like I am missing out on anything whatsoever physically.
I felt like I was missing out mentally, emotionally and spiritually before I decided to be celibate.
It wasn't a good feeling.
I don't have that feeling currently because there is no one taking parts of my soul anymore and no doing anything positive with it.
I don't feel used, drained or void of emotion.
I just hope my soulmate is out there doing as I am to improve himself for me as I am for him.

Missing You

I will say, without a doubt, I am heartbroken! 

And no, it's NOT because of my dating life.

I know you all are used to my random posts about my love(less) life but this one is for my best friend.

On June 8th, she died.

Yes, you read it right; this smart, beautiful, kind, sweet, young lady died.

She was 42.

If you're surprised because she was so young, that makes TWO of us!

Yes, I know young people and people younger than her die every day but they aren't my best friends of 28 years so it doesn't affect me.

I know, I know; that's selfish of me but I admit this openly, I want her back!

I didn't get to say goodbye and I'm hurt and I'm angry.

It's NOT fair!

I'm not over it in the LEAST!

I know I am not supposed to question God at all and He knows fully what He is doing so who do I think I am right?

I..am..human!

Not to say God isn't because we were created in his image, but God gets to be with my best friend every day and now, I don't!

Honestly, I feel some type of way about it.

THIS, writing, is how I express things so forgive me if I seem self centered.

I'm grieving her so for a little bit, I'm going to be.

I don't want to mar her memory with my own feelings and my venting.

So, I'll speak of the good she brought in my life.

I met her at 15.

She was this quiet, red gyal and I of course felt like she needed protecting so that's what I did.

We had some not so nice assmates (yeah, I meant to say assmates because they were!) and I wasn't having ANY of it.

She didn't deserve that.

I was always the one who was over protective of my friends and probably always will be.

Blame my Aries nature.

She was smart, quiet and sweet. I was smart, loud and mean. Perfect combo!

We clicked instantly and became lifelong friends.

We went through puberty, young adulthood and almost made it through our middle ages.

I FULLY expected us to see old age. It wasn't to be.

• She convinced me to go back to college
• she convinced me to buy a Beetle (even though this one was a lemon)
• She told me where to go to get my first apartment (she moved in RIGHT behind me)
• I was in the car with her for my first car accident
• she taught me how to do bond in hair, and microwave ponytails
• I am fluent in Patois because of her
• I first tried all my Jamaican dishes in life and fell in love with the food because of her and her late mother
• She taught me to put colored contacts over my clear prescription ones (that was SUCH a bad idea but that's what best friends are for!)

I could go on and on as memories flood back constantly like they have since she died.

She hasn't left my mind day or night since she died.

I know it's because I wasn't prepared.

See, when my momma died, although I wasn't fully prepared, I knew it was coming.

It doesn't hurt any less now but it gets easier.

I had no CLUE a loss this great was coming and I am still in disbelief.

I still haven't processed it completely even though I was at her funeral.

Her birthday is today.

The pics I posted was from one of the many birthdays we shared.

She was SO happy!

As a matter of fact, she named herself Happy.

She told me if she spoke it into existence, it would be.

So Happy we called her.

I am now short one bridesmaid for the wedding I am going to have one day. I didn't get to be one at hers that she was planning.

My future 2nd child didn't get to become her Godchild.

I know how C.C. felt in Beaches now.

Every time I watch that movie I cry and I'm glad it wasn't MY best friend.

Now it is.

There's nothing I can do about it either.

It makes me feel so powerless.

I can say her death has prompted me to do some things I had been meaning to.

Things I know she would have been a cheerleader for.

She was already a cheerleader behind everything else I did, especially my recent weight loss.

She embodied loyalty.

 I don't have the answers but I do know life is not as long for some as it is for others.

While we're here we HAVE to make sure we live out our dreams.

Don't start things and don't finish, especially if it's going to improve my life.

Take risks even if it means rejection; somebody will say yes.

Only do things that make you happy, not what makes others happy!

Life is too short and the time we have here can be gone at any moment.

LIVE!

I miss her EVERY DAY! I don't expect that to change because missing momma hasn't changed.

I just have to tell myself any suffering she felt mentally, emotionally and physically is over because it is.

Her life is over but THAT part of her life is too!

So, I lost my best friend but I gained an angel and for that part of this all, I am forever grateful!

Year End Review: 2016

Oh crap! 
I really almost forgot to post this! 
I wanted to go over my year and how it went but I'm wondering if it's really necessary. 
Honestly, not much changed and I didn't make nearly as much progress as I wanted until the final hour. 
That's keeping it all the way real. 
I didn't get a big promotion I wanted,  I didn't get published like I wanted (I'm still waiting on responses from that), I lost my car to an accident and have a scarred wound as a result. 
I am still single and I'm not searching. 
I don't even have an interest in that because I'm not happy with me so how can I be happy with another? 
Other than that; my life stood still.
However, I am not happy about it and I do not even begin to act like I am. 
I am not miserable. 
Don't get it twisted. 
I love being alive but I want to LIVE! 
Change is not in my words; it's in my actions. 
Resolutions? 
They are not for me. 
Praying for guidance, working my way around obstacles and stepping out on a limb are right up my alley. 
I don't need a new year to make that happen. Changes like that are constant! 
I will say that I finally did something about my weight. 
I had gastric sleeve surgery on December 15th. 
I am struggling with protein intake, keeping food down and on a strict liquid diet. 
So before anyone states the, "You took the easy way out." Stop yourself. 
This...is..HARD! 
At 359 pounds, there's no easy way out of anything. Know this! 
I've lost 30 pounds to date. 
It's a work in progress. 
I also am reenrolling in school. 
My future looks so bleak without a higher degree. The one I have won't suffice in today's world. Times have changed and I need to adapt. 
I was in tears at the thought of this struggle being my life. 
I can't do it anymore.
God didn't intend this for me. 
God has better plans for me. 
God helps those who help themselves. 
So, I'm doing just that.
So I'm going to study hard,  bust my ass, lose sleep, miss out on fun just to ensure I can enjoy the pleasures in life forever and make sure to set an example for my beautiful little girl. 
Co-habitating with family is not what I imagined. 
Yes, adults all need their own space but some families make it work cuz they love each other. 
I have one family member that doesn't think this way. 
There's no dramatics to speak of,  no threats or anything of that sort but my intuition never lies. 
Some people don't value family and the closeness of family even though we weren't raised that way. 
My mother would be so disappointed but I have to say myself and my sibling I'm closest to are definitely making my mother proud!
We are loving, caring genuinely and we talk almost daily to keep our bond tight. 
We don't speak out of obligation. It's real and heartfelt. 
It's no shade but I call a spade a spade. 
It used to be so hurtful but I am surrounded by very loving people in other areas of life so it balances out.
I'm good! 
So, in the Spring my daughter and I will be moving out on our own so we can breathe and have our space and feel at home. 
It's going to be hard but it's what needs to happen for my peace of mind and hers. 
I will pray for my family to be blessed regardless and that God works on their heart and spirit. 
I won't claim 2017 as "my year" as many have. That's not knocking those who do either. 
How can I claim it when so many others are accomplishing so much as well. 
Every year on Earth has to be "my year" because God blessed me to see it! 
So, I say Happy New Year!  
Be blessed, live your dreams and prosper! 

You Dropped Your Dime

Flashback Friday to a Facebook Note I wrote in 2008. 
Even then I had the foresight to see that no one should treat you a way you don't deserve and that what they don't appreciate someone else WILL! 
Enjoy the screenshots.

Lasso The Moon

One day,  my big heart will work out for me.
Unfortunately, that day is probably not coming anytime soon.
No,  this is not about woe is me and there's no need to cue the violins. I am just telling it like it is.
People close to me still can't wrap their mind around me being so frank and honest when I blog. However, I am the same way face to face. This is just me translating that to "paper".
I. Am. A. Hopeless. Romantic.
I said it and I confess.
Still,  I don't fall in love THAT easily.
I am not in love now as I write this but there's always that possibility looming in the air.
I just realize that right now, it might not be in the stars for me.
Before you go thinking what I am saying is mumbo jumbo, consider this;  if the alignment of the moon and the sun can cause catastrophic events all over the planet,  imagine what it can do in our lives!
I am intense when I decide to open my heart.
Not the boil your rabbit,  sit outside your house in the bushes and hack your accounts type of intense.
I'm the ride or die, stand by your man even when he's in the trenches, baby-you-can-run-the-world-and-I-gotchu kind of intense.
A lot of people can't handle that. There have been few who can. They were also intense when they loved. 
So,  there HAVE been ones who reached the deepest depths of my heart.
It just wasn't meant to be at that time.
Many factors could have played a part. It could be that we weren't doing what we should in other areas for things to fall into place.
When I look back,  we weren't!
It can't be one person doing everything right and the other is not. It will never work.
Sidebar: I have witnessed this with other relationships and I DO NOT envy them! I'd die alone before I accept that from any man just to say I have one! I say this to you at the age of 42 (I am never afraid to tell my age because my parents good genes passed down to me and I look lots younger than I am!  Thank you, God, for small blessings!).
I have seen relationships where one person is using the other whose giving everything they have to them, one person is cheating while the other is at home waiting faithfully, people  who are secretly in love with others and etc. There's no way the cosmos will bless unions like that!  They are NOT aligned!
I am extra careful what I put out in the universe because I feel like our energy,  our vibes and our aura create the what we get back!
Being positive is WORK, anything rewarding in life is WORK and anything meant to last for life is WORK!
Don't ever doubt that!
The payoff,  however, now that's all worth it!
I realize that I do have to do some changing just as the universe is ever changing.
I know what I offer and I know what I want but something HAS to be off.  I am big enough to realize that.
Maybe I need to rein in my intensity some. I can't call it but know I am willing to be totally open to the changes that I need to make, whatever they may be.
The only way I will get answers from the Universe is if I pray to the Creator of it.
This might be part of the issue in of itself.
I am guilty of not praying when I should or even when I need it the most.
One thing that I won't change is my requirements.
I require more than what a lot of others are accepting and that's saying a LOT because I don't require that much.

Every time I hear Ready or Not by After 7, I say it's exactly the song I hear in my head when someone asks me what I want.

I think to myself, "If you want to know what I REALLY want then sit up and take notes when that song comes on!"

Yeah,  I'm sure you're saying, "This chick is nuts!  A man can't give her everything!"
Those men KNOW they can't possibly give their women the sun,  the rain,  the moon,  the stars and the mountains AND THE WORLD and even more.  I can promise you this though; they were willing to try! That alone speaks VOLUMES!
You see the picture I linked is from Bruce Almighty. He was named God for a period of time and just because he knew how much his lady loved full moons,  he lassoed the moon to bring it's shine and beauty closer to her!  It doesn't get much better than that!
The moral of the story is: I just want someone who will lasso the moon for me in their way. They do it because they can,  they are willing and able.
The issue has been that I have not found the one willing to do so yet.
I would love to.
I know for a fact I am worth it,  would make him feel appreciated for it and show reciprocity.
It's not a tall order for someone truly ready. The part of being ready falls on me too. I will do what I need to make sure I am ready to receive that!

I will keep my eyes open for my moon wranglers in the mean time though. If they have the sun, the rain,  the stars, the mountains, the world and more,  I'll take that too!  He'd never be able to say he found a woman that loved and appreciated him for that more than he could say of me!

Just a Quick Note

One of my good guy friends, that I talk to about everything, told me to read this book. I don't want to Think like a Man. I am a woman. I was raised with my married parents and saw how a woman should be treated and how a woman should treat her man. He explained, I saw AFTER the courtship. I came along AFTER my dad courted and married my mom. I need to learn about the process before and not just by what my parents taught me about how a man should treat me. I need to look at it through more than one view.
So, I am reading this. I read for entertainment and I read to learn/gain information. I am reading this one to learn.
Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, Expanded Edition, Steve Harvey.
 https://play.google.com/store/books/details?id=ZxHSAgAAQBAJ

Lady of Convenience

lady of convenience

A woman that is taken to events, paraded around as a girlfriend, and screwed when the male needs it. She is convenient until something better comes along and the male is not committed. She is similar to an escort.

I am not built for that shit! I am just not about that life! 

I require more. I don't require a lot but I DO require more!

I really don't want to be in that type of situationship at 41. 41 will turn into 45, 45 will be 50 and then you'll have a hard time settling down and just have to settle.

I have much higher standards than being anyone's lady of convenience.

I want the white picket fence, two and a half kids and a dog. I deserve that.
While I don't want it now, I want it eventually. 

These types of relationships are ALWAYS for the benefit of the man. The woman is usually totally unaware, being mislead and/or he pretends he "wants to take things slow". She NEVER gets the full truth until she figures it out by herself OR by mistake (You know guys are NEVER as slick as they THINK are!).

If they do tell you what's up, it's ALWAYS sent with mixed messages and mixed signals until you ask for a commitment. Then they backpedal and remind you how they didn't want a relationship and the vicious cycle keeps repeating itself. 

They (society) like to harp on age for women. A lot! For some things I harp on age too. They say we have less energy after 40. I know they HAVE to mean mental energy as well because I don't have the energy for fruitless relationships at this point in my life. Whether it be career, friendships, familial or otherwise personal. As Sweet Brown said, "Ain't nobody got time for that!"

I don't want to be a piece to any man, I want to be his everything. A lady of convenience gets whatever that man has to give. It's usually only enough to satisfy her momentarily so she'll shut up.

I can admit I tried to get through to men like this before. I mean I went HARD!

I did everything a woman should with no title.

As a matter of fact, I spent 11 months of my life doing so before.

That was ample time to get a feel of what a lady of convenience goes through.

My experience was far less than stellar.

I, unfortunately, was being the type of woman who was hardheaded and didn't listen to the many instances of being told he wasn't ready. I take full ownership of that.

Often ladies of convenience see that shift in attitude when they are ready to leave that makes them question if they are being patient enough.

He's being extra loving, sweet and caring to you. He's "acting" like your dude but trust me, he is NOT!

I experienced this OFTEN.

I got the talks about future plans, questioned about how I would treat my man (as if I wasn't showing him that already); this had me thinking he was ready to make this official...That was a pipe dream being sold. I was even told about events that couples would frequent, that we NEVER made it to! 

Granted, I do not feel he took someone else, him not taking me was enough of a jab.

He just wasn't into me. I even called him on that numerous times. I just got a beat around the bush answer when I confronted him..every time.

I felt it in my gut. I just didn't go with it. I take responsibility for that as well. ALWAYS go with your gut. I addressed that in my post here:

Trust In Your Decisions

I can't waste my time ever doing that again!

Ladies, I don't suggest you do it either.

It's a hurtful, lonely, disappointing situation to be in and it can be avoided.

Being a good woman won't make a man who is not ready change for you. I felt like I couldn't show all my love and I held back in numerous ways because I could sense that he wasn't giving me all of him.

That's a bad feeling, to feel like you can't be free to love him totally. You know he's not allowing himself to do the same, or trusting you with his heart. Why would I risk what he wouldn't?

The shit we see in the movies doesn't happen for girls like me, unfortunately. I live in a very real, and sometimes cruel, world.

Trust me, I waited for that change in him to happen and it never did.

When they say it's not you, believe that it isn't!

Do yourself a favor and move on and quickly.

The longer you have someone occupying that space is the longer your soulmate is being kept away from you.

How can the right man come in when the wrong man is in the way?

He's waiting and watching and you will be his PRIORITY.

I am really not going through these changes in 2016 or beyond. I deserve what I have to give, I have standards, certain things are deal breakers and I won't compromise myself ever again for them. 

I have more love and respect for myself to ever do THAT again! We have to love and respect ourselves and never let anyone make us deviate from that for ANY reason,

Not for their love, not for their attention, and certainly not for THEIR convenience.