Never Forget Your Worth!

Being single & dating is super hard!

Single women don’t want to be embarrassed in front of their friends anymore than a woman who’s in a relationship does!

We don’t want to have only adventures of sex to tell our friends! 

We want to talk about how you came in & brought us some flowers, took us out, how you try to get to know our heart, how you love us just when we are, that you have your own mind and that you take us just how we are.

We want to build with someone,  love someone unconditionally, hold down &  be held down, ALL THAT! 

We are humans with feelings too & people need to remember we sre not these heartless, emotionless,  "crazy", lonely people they peg us as!

Y'all better stop acting like it's something wrong with us, we're expecting too much and needing too much before you miss your blessing!  

You can definitely switch gears with someone who you allowed to do things you usually don’t tolerate.

Don’t let anybody tell you something like, “That's not how we were in the beginning so why are you trying to switch up now?”

The answer to that is you let them try you long enough! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

Sometimes we try to compromise because we feel like we’re being unreasonable with our requests and because we really love somebody,  but never second-guess your own judgment. 

Dealbreakers are just that; dealbreakers.!

Don't let somebody tell you that you don’t deserve the best treatment because you don’t look a certain way, or because you don’t do things exactly the way they want you to all the time, or you don't allow them to treat you a certain types of way, or for any reason!

Demand the best because you deserve the best!

Swapping Adjectives

All too often when a woman,  especially a Black woman,  expresses her discontent with something,  we are saddled with the word bitter.
This is especially true of unwed, single mothers in my age group.
It's like we aren't free to express our dissatisfaction with ANYTHING or ANYONE,  especially the brothas,  without wearing that label.
That is an ill-conceived notion.
I honestly don't know a group of women who have had a tougher time in life than the Black woman.
That's nor to discredit white women and other women of color.
That's NOT what I'm saying by any means.
I can't speak on any other experiences other than that of a Black woman because that's what I am.
However,  I do know what I see.
One stark example that we're STILL NOT considered equal would be the fact that we're THEE MOST educated group yet if our resume has a name like Tamisha versus Jennifer (yes, I know several Black Jennifers),  guess who's more than likely getting called back first,  despite the résumé's content?
I've seen positions I qualified for be filled by white women with nothing going on upstairs when I wasn't even interviewed.
No,  I'm NOT paranoid;  this is STILL happening to this day!
However,  that's one example and honestly it's NOT what prompts people to call us bitter.
You know what does prompt that?;  Our relationship status.
Yes,  our relationship status has been the center of a LOT of disrespect to Black women.
Especially women over a certain age.
Especially Black women of a certain age who are single mothers.
There's an ENTIRE YouTube channel run by a Black male COMPLETELY focused on his disdain for Black women, but ESPECIALLY single mothers.
He has a huge following and sad to say they are mostly bitter Black men who are just as jaded as he is.
It is tough to see that much hatred of us from our own as much as we hold them down.
It's a slap in the face.
It turns out he had a kid he wasn't taking care of all this time,  he produced out of wedlock AND was on child support for!
Go fucking figure!
Yesterday,  I was talking to a 42 year old man (you'll see why I mentioned his age later).
We had been having phone conversations and texting when we couldn't talk.
We were really building a good rapport.
Or so I thought.
Anyway,  we're conversing and he said,  and I quote, "I was talking to this woman with four kids who had the nerve to say that she was going to wait on marriage before she had sex again. I told her ain't no man gone out up with that!"
I was taken aback by the boldness in his statement!
So naturally,  I questioned the validity of his statement.
What the Hell does he mean she had "the nerve"?
What was wrong with what she said?  So the conversation proceeded like this:

Me: Well,  why can't she choose what she wants to do with her body?
Him: Because she has FOUR kids!  Ain't no man gone put up with that!
Me: So wait,  because she has four kids she can't choose not to have sex outside of marriage now?
Him: That's not what I'm saying but she has four kids so that means it could have been four,  three or maybe even one man but she has FOUR kids.
Me: So the amount of kids she has determines if she can change her ways and morals, if we're assuming she has bad ways and no morals, and decide to wait for marriage before having sex again?
Him: I'm not saying that. I'm just saying no man is going to put up with that.
Me: Then explain it because you are basically saying she doesn't have a right to make that decision because she has four kids!
Him: That's not what I'm saying but ain't no man gonna put up with that!  A lot of other women agreed with me when I told them. They said the same thing! Ain't no man gonna put up with that.
Me: Then I wouldn't consider that a man; I would consider that a boy!
Him: We're two different people!
*He disconnects the call*

I was FLOORED!
Did this dude just hang up in my face because I disagreed?!
HOW CHILDISH!
He said he WASN'T saying she didn't have a right but that's EXACTLY what he was saying!
Well,  of COURSE we're two different people!
Men are from Mars,  women are from Venus but that doesn't negate the fact that you just said a woman,  especially a woman with children,  doesn't have a right to choose what she does with her body as long as man has a problem with it!
I am not a feminist,  however,THAT was total bullshit! 
This woman's value,  respectability and moral choices are being disregarded by the fact that she has four children.
That spoke VOLUMES for his character!
Women agreeing with him spoke volumes with how single Black women are viewing their worth also.
It shouldn't be a woman alive that would agree with that statement.
Then again, this is a rape culture we're living in.
Lack of respect for women's choices NOT to have sex start SOMEWHERE!
I'm NEVER going to agree with some chauvinist rhetoric like he was spewing!
Ever!
Not to be agreeable so I can have a man,  to side with him to get on his good side or to appear submissive.
That's simply NOT the way to go about it!
I don't mind being alone if that's what will have to put up with!
I don't know why it's okay to say these things and treat women this way for some men but it's NOT right!
I just know that when I put in my prayer  request to God for a soul mate, the things I have been enduring surely aren't on that list!
Respect for me as a woman,  a Black woman and a Black woman who is a single mother is at the very top of my list!
Respect, humility, being considerate and appreciation for me are top factors in my choice of a mate.
I have surely been met with disrespect,  cockiness and taking FULL advantage of my feelings (for them and in general)  since I reentered the dating world.
I definitely have NOT met my soul mate!
I imagine,  no,  I KNOW, many of my counterparts have not either.
These are GREAT women who require more and definitely DESERVE more.
Women, who like myself, desire to date and marry Black men (no shade to the sistahs that don't),  but can't even get respected by them!
I hope to see a change in the way we're treated because my faith in how society as a whole treats us is shaky, but the brothas aren't very reassuring that society is completely WRONG!

Maybe labeling us bitter isn't the best thing to do and it's FAR from fair!
We have been let down by our men and looked down upon by others for CENTURIES, yet we remain intelligent, loyal, patient, understanding and resilient!
We deserve a lot more credit than we are given and the MAIN people that should be holding us down our the brothas!
Period, point, blank!
WE AREN'T BITTER!  WE'RE JUST DISAPPOINTED! 

All She Ever Wanted Was a Real One

Can I be frank for a moment?

I do not like Atlanta. 
Yeah, I live here but let me just say this is not the "mecca" they claim it is! The majority of Black people here do NOT help each other! They look out for whoever they think can further them but God forbid they help someone reach a higher level out of the kindness of their heart! We'll NEVER get ahead as a people like this! EVER!

I am disappointed by this.

Some of the white ones look down on "us" way too much to be so cocky. It's 2016! I grew up with more, knowing more and exposed to more than half of them. I am educated and well spoken as were/are my parents. I am NOT a dumb Negro! I am African-American and I am a threat but not physically; my brain and mind-set tell my story. I am angered by this.

What I am really disheartened by is the dating scene!
The dating scene here in Atlanta has these dudes heads super swollen cuz they see quantity but aren't seeking quality.

They just see numbers and they lose it!

They feel a car, a decent job and their own place makes the a supreme catch.

Gtfoh, grown ass man, you're SUPPOSED to have that! That shit doesn't make you God's gift to women! You're doing shit normal men do! I am NOT impressed!

I am impressed by loyalty (this falls in line with honesty and monogamy), when they are family oriented, don't have fear of commitment, practise the three Ps: profess (professing to the world their love and devotion to me), protect (there should be no way a man I'm with should let anyone day or do anything foul to me. Considering, I don't want a thug nor do I ask for drama, cause drama or tolerate drama; if it comes my way it's unwarranted. I don't want a dude shrugging his shoulders and letting me know he could give two shits about my well being. I can't check a man the way another man can) and provide (this doesn't mean you have to pay my bills but possess the ability and willingness to do so. Nothing sucks worse than having a need and a man who puts his dick in you but can't put money in your hands when you really need it),  someone with a sense of adventure and a sense of humor, decent conversation, and who can encourage me in spirituality and marriage minded. THAT'S impressive to me!

My ass is phat/fat even though I am fat and my boobs are big. My stomach is flat when I lay down just like everyone else's (a BBW lover once told me he doesn't care about stomachs cuz they are all flat laying down. I thought it was hilarious but made perfectly logical sense. It never stopped me from gettin' busy!) so I don't have body image issues affecting my confidence. So I don't care about or worry about competing with all the video girl shaped chicks running around here (they aren't fairing much better BTW). I am feminine and fly. I smell pretty and look pretty.  You would think that counted for something but it doesn't seem to.

They also seem to think their above average sized phallus is enough. Well, I can tell you, it isn't! 

All they see is  the opportunity to prey on women, good women, and move on to the next victim.

I am nobody's victim! 
I won't ever accept  that and won't settle for it. I am almost 42, I'm not for the children's games. I don't have the patience for it in any capacity. 

I have not experienced this anywhere EXCEPT here!

That ratio of men to women here has these dudes thinking they have it made! 

They probably do but they should take into consideration that while Atlanta is big, at the same time it's rather small. Just like women come here, they can leave here. Women also talk. Even a nobody knows SOMEBODY!

And then there's ALWAYS white men (when I mentioned white people who are judging earlier, I did say SOME remember?)

Yeah, they not sleeping on us just cuz you are. They aren't MY cup of tea but never say never. That ratio works two ways. When shortages occur people find other resources.

I don't know what happened in this "black mecca" that they stopped being a king looking for a queen (ONE queen) and looking to have many wives (and they ain't hardly looking for marriage). 

I'm and old school chick with old school values. I will never accept these new fangled dating rules.

I deserve better and I require better.

I can see my time here in Atlanta coming to an end very soon. I have  things I am working on here first. Then I'm out!

I said the only thing that would keep me here is love. Not just any love either. The put-a-ring-on-it-two-and-a-half-kids-and-a-dog-white-picket-fence kinda love. If God has my soulmate looking for me, He better work fast because I am ret tah go! 

Until then I'll keep my toes dipped in the dating pool and put on my fuckboy blockers; it is certainly no shortage of those!

If you're in the same pool, utilize your life preservers (prophylactics) and only trust the lifeguards (the true good guys and not the ones dressed up as good guys).

Just a Quick Note

One of my good guy friends, that I talk to about everything, told me to read this book. I don't want to Think like a Man. I am a woman. I was raised with my married parents and saw how a woman should be treated and how a woman should treat her man. He explained, I saw AFTER the courtship. I came along AFTER my dad courted and married my mom. I need to learn about the process before and not just by what my parents taught me about how a man should treat me. I need to look at it through more than one view.
So, I am reading this. I read for entertainment and I read to learn/gain information. I am reading this one to learn.
Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, Expanded Edition, Steve Harvey.
 https://play.google.com/store/books/details?id=ZxHSAgAAQBAJ

Lady of Convenience

lady of convenience

A woman that is taken to events, paraded around as a girlfriend, and screwed when the male needs it. She is convenient until something better comes along and the male is not committed. She is similar to an escort.

I am not built for that shit! I am just not about that life! 

I require more. I don't require a lot but I DO require more!

I really don't want to be in that type of situationship at 41. 41 will turn into 45, 45 will be 50 and then you'll have a hard time settling down and just have to settle.

I have much higher standards than being anyone's lady of convenience.

I want the white picket fence, two and a half kids and a dog. I deserve that.
While I don't want it now, I want it eventually. 

These types of relationships are ALWAYS for the benefit of the man. The woman is usually totally unaware, being mislead and/or he pretends he "wants to take things slow". She NEVER gets the full truth until she figures it out by herself OR by mistake (You know guys are NEVER as slick as they THINK are!).

If they do tell you what's up, it's ALWAYS sent with mixed messages and mixed signals until you ask for a commitment. Then they backpedal and remind you how they didn't want a relationship and the vicious cycle keeps repeating itself. 

They (society) like to harp on age for women. A lot! For some things I harp on age too. They say we have less energy after 40. I know they HAVE to mean mental energy as well because I don't have the energy for fruitless relationships at this point in my life. Whether it be career, friendships, familial or otherwise personal. As Sweet Brown said, "Ain't nobody got time for that!"

I don't want to be a piece to any man, I want to be his everything. A lady of convenience gets whatever that man has to give. It's usually only enough to satisfy her momentarily so she'll shut up.

I can admit I tried to get through to men like this before. I mean I went HARD!

I did everything a woman should with no title.

As a matter of fact, I spent 11 months of my life doing so before.

That was ample time to get a feel of what a lady of convenience goes through.

My experience was far less than stellar.

I, unfortunately, was being the type of woman who was hardheaded and didn't listen to the many instances of being told he wasn't ready. I take full ownership of that.

Often ladies of convenience see that shift in attitude when they are ready to leave that makes them question if they are being patient enough.

He's being extra loving, sweet and caring to you. He's "acting" like your dude but trust me, he is NOT!

I experienced this OFTEN.

I got the talks about future plans, questioned about how I would treat my man (as if I wasn't showing him that already); this had me thinking he was ready to make this official...That was a pipe dream being sold. I was even told about events that couples would frequent, that we NEVER made it to! 

Granted, I do not feel he took someone else, him not taking me was enough of a jab.

He just wasn't into me. I even called him on that numerous times. I just got a beat around the bush answer when I confronted him..every time.

I felt it in my gut. I just didn't go with it. I take responsibility for that as well. ALWAYS go with your gut. I addressed that in my post here:

Trust In Your Decisions

I can't waste my time ever doing that again!

Ladies, I don't suggest you do it either.

It's a hurtful, lonely, disappointing situation to be in and it can be avoided.

Being a good woman won't make a man who is not ready change for you. I felt like I couldn't show all my love and I held back in numerous ways because I could sense that he wasn't giving me all of him.

That's a bad feeling, to feel like you can't be free to love him totally. You know he's not allowing himself to do the same, or trusting you with his heart. Why would I risk what he wouldn't?

The shit we see in the movies doesn't happen for girls like me, unfortunately. I live in a very real, and sometimes cruel, world.

Trust me, I waited for that change in him to happen and it never did.

When they say it's not you, believe that it isn't!

Do yourself a favor and move on and quickly.

The longer you have someone occupying that space is the longer your soulmate is being kept away from you.

How can the right man come in when the wrong man is in the way?

He's waiting and watching and you will be his PRIORITY.

I am really not going through these changes in 2016 or beyond. I deserve what I have to give, I have standards, certain things are deal breakers and I won't compromise myself ever again for them. 

I have more love and respect for myself to ever do THAT again! We have to love and respect ourselves and never let anyone make us deviate from that for ANY reason,

Not for their love, not for their attention, and certainly not for THEIR convenience.

My Truth - A Year Later, Part 1

Today I am going to give you a rare glimpse into my personal dating life. 
As some of you may well know, I took a six-year hiatus on dating.  I became a single mother,  I lived in a really small, cliquish one horse town, I knew I would be moving away from there soon and was (and I still am) focused on my daughter and working.

It wasn't until I moved here to the Atlanta area that I decided to give dating a whirl. 

This has been....I am trying to think of one word to describe it accurately...

Well, honestly, I can't. So I am going to just describe it how I feel.

And let me just say that if you're someone I dated and you're reading this and you get offended, honestly, I don't really give a fuck. 

That is MY flaw, this brutal honesty, and I own that. 
I am working on toning it down. But that won't be today so suck it easy! It's not like any of us are TRULY friends, although had there been some honesty on YOUR part we could have been.

I have friends here. As a matter of fact my best friend is here. I have been asked why they don't hook me up."
Honestly, I don't really like or expect my friends to set me up. Unfortunately, while they are really awesome, they are single too, this isn't the era my parents were in when in their dating years (actually, by this age (41) my mom and dad had been married almost 20 years) and people just don't do the matchmaking thing anymore. It sucks really though because your friends are the best judge of characters aside from yourself, and they are on the outside looking in. 
They see flaws we miss because we have our blinders on. They know us and know who we would be a good match for. However, if they are having their own struggles, it's hard for them to really push theirs aside for mine. I get it and I am not offended. 

But I digress.

This experience for me has been full of dishonesty, selfishness, secrecy,  disappointment and hurt. 

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I give it freely once I decide to give it and I expect the same. I don't fall in love easily (and I am not currently in love) and haven't been in love in almost a decade. 

The last person I was in love with has been with the woman he had after me for almost as long. I admit I screwed that up royally and I still kick myself over it. He was an awesome guy then and still is now but I wasn't smart enough to see it then. He's still a great friend to me to this day (you see how that works?).

Just because I am not in love doesn't mean I don't love.

I can love you for your personality, your sense of humor, how smart you are, your sense of adventure...or simply for just being you!

I don't require much either.  I require, honesty, a giving and caring person and someone open with nothing to hide. I like a smart man, a driven man and a man willing to be serious about me.

It's been almost a year. I haven't had ANY combination of those things in a person I dated.

Don't get me wrong, it's only been two I "dated" and the others were false starts, which is NOT to be translated to sex. It wasn't. Hell, we didn't get that far!
My first experience started off pleasant. He was a church going guy, very much into music and attractive. I blogged about that experience here.
Well I want to say that I could have taken that as a sign but I like to be optimistic. I am a bit of a hopeless romantic and I feel find WILL find the one so I definitely didn't let that deter me. He wasn't honest with me, he was either too busy or already involved (after he added me on Facebook I noticed a chick that seemed to linger around a lot so I kind of put two and two together) and I didn't fit into the scheme of things. I took that L and kept it pushing.
My second experience started off great. This dude seemed really interested but he was pushing for a meeting too fast and I was hesitant. That was my gut instinct telling me to be cautious and next time I will go with it.
We finally meet and he's very attractive, sweet, attentive and has his ducks in a row as far as what meets the eye. I even felt comfortable enough to bring him around my family but NOT as my man. It was just friendship.
Well, he pulled a disappearing act for two weeks and randomly popped back up expecting me not to have questions or an issue with that.
That was NOT cool! If he felt that things were getting too heavy and he wasn't ready, he should filled ME in on that! I assumed he used me for a space filler and that the interest I developed wasn't genuinely reciprocated. Of course I had sense enough to ASK what he wanted, however what he said and what he did were two TOTALLY different things.
That sucked because the trust I had for him went out the window. I no longer took him seriously. His disappearing was a habit and happened several times in the months we "dated". Finally, he just flaked out on me TWICE at a time I had an emergency with my car and with my daughter and I was done!
I at least told him so he knew to delete my number and not bother randomly hitting me up at time I assume,  he was between women or bored with the one he may have had or whatever he has going on. It wasn't worth devoting the energy to find out.
There was another dude I was digging after that. Really smart, attractive and had great conversation.
Honestly, I don't know why we didn't become good friends at the very least.
I tried. I genuinely tried to at least be friends with him but when he went out to lounges or events, he NEVER included me despite me having expressed interest numerous times in going.
I definitely wasn't trying to copblock or make my presence known as his chick cuz I wasn't nor did I remotely think that. I just thought he was a cool dude and would be fun to hang out with.
After hitting someone up and asking what they are doing so many tines and learning they are out with friends, you get the picture they don't or WON'T be considering you one. I let it go.
No hard feelings but maybe I was in my feelings about the slight or what I felt was a slight. He wasn't a bad dude to me but it just wasn't in the cards for us to be friends or otherwise.
It is what it is.
So now onto the gentleman and the scholar. Actually, scholar, yes, gentleman,  NO!
This guy was pushy from the gate. He is highly intelligent and established. Physically I wasn't attracted to him because he is the spitting image of someone who I consider family. The attraction wasn't there.
I decided to finally go out with him EVEN THOUGH I didn't feel comfortable. He was just pushy and always upset because I wouldn't go out with him when HE wanted me to.
I thought maybe I was just being difficult because I hate when people try to control me. Blame the Aries in me. So against my better judgment, I decided to go.
The ENTIRE date he bashed every guy I had spoken of dating. I just spoke of my past experience in life as a whole. This man used his PhD in psychology to analyze every bit of information (which wasn't much because I didn't need to spill all my personal business with him) I had given him about my past dating experiences. I am 41. I have been dating since I was 20. Now you all KNOW I did NOT tell this man about 20 years of dating! I didn't even tell him details of my dates before him. I just said I wasn't on the same page with the ones I have met since I moved. THAT WAS IT!
This dude tries to get detailed information from me regarding WHY it didn't work. I immediately knew it was to try to manipulate me and use psychology on me so I can bend to HIS will.
You gotta be quicker than that!
When that failed miserably, he thought that pushing up on me in a parking lot, trying to shove his hand into my vagina and propositioning me to go to the hotel across the street would do it.
Surely a woman whom he NEVER had a sexual conversation with MUST want to suddenly sleep with him right?
WRONG!
I declined. He proceeded to try to hook up with me and I finally just told him it will never work.
For one, he stated he was divorced and not ready for a relationship, he wanted to go with the flow and I need more than that.
Secondly, I saw how he used his super powers (his psychology degree) for evil. I can't stand a manipulative man who thinks that he's smarter than I am. He even told he's not used to a woman that can keep up with him mentally but liked that I could.
My red flags went up because I knew it would be a constant power struggle and constant mind games.
I just couldn't subject myself to that. 
I have dealt with a lot of loss in the past two years. My mother being the BIGGEST loss! So losing someone who doesn't have sincere interest in me is NOTHING! (I will explain that in the second part of this post when I get to my current situation.) I am tired of giving my all to people just to get such a small portion back.
I won't let it break my spirit. My mom was heartbroken by her first marriage, bounced back and married my dad.  So her spirit in in me. I miss her, especially now. She's not here to listen to me discuss my disappointments and be my shoulder through this fiasco I call my  love life.
She certainly would have some encouraging words for me to help me muddle through all of this. 
Since she's not,  I have to tough it out and get through it until he arrives.
I take lessons from everyone. I still haven't learned to listen to the No's however. 
I still think that my heart can win someone over. I think I can show them that whatever they went through in love, I can erase it and make it better. 
I still think that the good in me will make people want to show me the good in them.
 I still think that there is good in people even when they mean me no good.
I still think I am too optimistic when there is not positive in the situation. 
I am STILL growing.
I am STILL learning,
I am STILL healing.
Most importantly, I am STILL STANDING!

President Barack Obama Speaks On Trayvon Martin Trail Aftermath

http://news.yahoo.com/obamas-remarks-race-resonate-many-025342716.html#