Lady of Convenience

lady of convenience

A woman that is taken to events, paraded around as a girlfriend, and screwed when the male needs it. She is convenient until something better comes along and the male is not committed. She is similar to an escort.

I am not built for that shit! I am just not about that life! 

I require more. I don't require a lot but I DO require more!

I really don't want to be in that type of situationship at 41. 41 will turn into 45, 45 will be 50 and then you'll have a hard time settling down and just have to settle.

I have much higher standards than being anyone's lady of convenience.

I want the white picket fence, two and a half kids and a dog. I deserve that.
While I don't want it now, I want it eventually. 

These types of relationships are ALWAYS for the benefit of the man. The woman is usually totally unaware, being mislead and/or he pretends he "wants to take things slow". She NEVER gets the full truth until she figures it out by herself OR by mistake (You know guys are NEVER as slick as they THINK are!).

If they do tell you what's up, it's ALWAYS sent with mixed messages and mixed signals until you ask for a commitment. Then they backpedal and remind you how they didn't want a relationship and the vicious cycle keeps repeating itself. 

They (society) like to harp on age for women. A lot! For some things I harp on age too. They say we have less energy after 40. I know they HAVE to mean mental energy as well because I don't have the energy for fruitless relationships at this point in my life. Whether it be career, friendships, familial or otherwise personal. As Sweet Brown said, "Ain't nobody got time for that!"

I don't want to be a piece to any man, I want to be his everything. A lady of convenience gets whatever that man has to give. It's usually only enough to satisfy her momentarily so she'll shut up.

I can admit I tried to get through to men like this before. I mean I went HARD!

I did everything a woman should with no title.

As a matter of fact, I spent 11 months of my life doing so before.

That was ample time to get a feel of what a lady of convenience goes through.

My experience was far less than stellar.

I, unfortunately, was being the type of woman who was hardheaded and didn't listen to the many instances of being told he wasn't ready. I take full ownership of that.

Often ladies of convenience see that shift in attitude when they are ready to leave that makes them question if they are being patient enough.

He's being extra loving, sweet and caring to you. He's "acting" like your dude but trust me, he is NOT!

I experienced this OFTEN.

I got the talks about future plans, questioned about how I would treat my man (as if I wasn't showing him that already); this had me thinking he was ready to make this official...That was a pipe dream being sold. I was even told about events that couples would frequent, that we NEVER made it to! 

Granted, I do not feel he took someone else, him not taking me was enough of a jab.

He just wasn't into me. I even called him on that numerous times. I just got a beat around the bush answer when I confronted him..every time.

I felt it in my gut. I just didn't go with it. I take responsibility for that as well. ALWAYS go with your gut. I addressed that in my post here:

Trust In Your Decisions

I can't waste my time ever doing that again!

Ladies, I don't suggest you do it either.

It's a hurtful, lonely, disappointing situation to be in and it can be avoided.

Being a good woman won't make a man who is not ready change for you. I felt like I couldn't show all my love and I held back in numerous ways because I could sense that he wasn't giving me all of him.

That's a bad feeling, to feel like you can't be free to love him totally. You know he's not allowing himself to do the same, or trusting you with his heart. Why would I risk what he wouldn't?

The shit we see in the movies doesn't happen for girls like me, unfortunately. I live in a very real, and sometimes cruel, world.

Trust me, I waited for that change in him to happen and it never did.

When they say it's not you, believe that it isn't!

Do yourself a favor and move on and quickly.

The longer you have someone occupying that space is the longer your soulmate is being kept away from you.

How can the right man come in when the wrong man is in the way?

He's waiting and watching and you will be his PRIORITY.

I am really not going through these changes in 2016 or beyond. I deserve what I have to give, I have standards, certain things are deal breakers and I won't compromise myself ever again for them. 

I have more love and respect for myself to ever do THAT again! We have to love and respect ourselves and never let anyone make us deviate from that for ANY reason,

Not for their love, not for their attention, and certainly not for THEIR convenience.

Lifting Burdens, Finding Clarity and Speaking my Peace

"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you."
Dr. Maya Angelou

I need to gain clarity. I am so homesick! Back in South Florida I would jump in my car, drive East and ride along the beach with my windows down while deep in thought. But for now all I have are these words and I have some stuff to get off my chest.

I am just not myself. I am going though the motions and sensitive to everything. I have a lot on my plate but I am barely eating. I have to figure out so many things I have no answers to, all while I have a young child in tow. However, I don't miss a beat, even with all that going on. So when I feel something is amiss, I separate myself from that situation and those people.

Aside from my family and those I consider family, anyone else bringing me untruths, confusion, playing on my intelligence, disregarding what I am going through and being selfish, I have NOTHING for you!
I am not entertaining you or your madness, for I have enough of my own.
I am not listening to or focusing on you if you ignore me and disregard what I am feeling.
If you're shoruded in secrecy, I definitely don't trust you as far as I can see you and I don't trust you then. I can't be an open book to you and I can't even read your preface.
Indecisiveness is not something I do. I don't straddle fences by any means. I always know exactly what I want and need and I state it. I don't say anything I don't mean. If I said it I meant it. I don't talk to hear myself talk and I don't say what sounds good just because it sounds good.

Right now, NONE of your issues trump mine unless you just lost your mother so I don't have the energy to devote to you feeling sorry for yourself. If you can't understand that great of a loss for me and push aside your woe-is-me sob stories for ONCE in your life, then you don't have any business in my life. You have a chance to fix these issues but you opt not to by making excuses, you shuck your responsibility and think you deserve to be blessed, you make empty promises and you are not a person whose words are their bond. 

And for that, you aren't allowed to cloud my aura with your dark presence. I simply won't stand for it. I can put up with a LOT of things but I have boundaries. When every adjective I can think of for you is negative.. You..gotta..GO!
If you're family or a friend you wouldn't bring any of that to me anyway.

Since, driving to the beach is not an option, I will rely on what I did before I took my long drives, and that was prayer. 

Some of you have some serious demons and don't realize it. Hell, dare I say it, some of you ARE demons. Sure you go to church, bible study and pray, but you aren't praying for the things that carry you through life to death. For example it never occurred to you to ask for love, a soulmate, and your own family. You're asking for the here and now and not wise enough to see that God doesn't mind you asking for more as long as it's on accordance to what the Bible says.

I guess you can challenge me and say I don't to church and you do, but so does the Devil. Marinate on that...I might not go to church every Sunday but I will implore you to tell me I am wrong about that. Then explain in detail why I am wrong. I promise you, you would lose that battle.

I have my daughter to think of. And she's NOT going to be hurt by seeing me hurt. I had to try to lie to my child and cover up what was happening that was causing me emotional pain or try to explain to her that something she was excited about for us both, isn't going to happen in our lives.
And she was confused and I saw it in her face. I drew a line in the sand and it was crossed the moment she didn't get what was happening. And I almost lost my cool in front of her. I knew then I had enough!
Getting my hopes up is one thing but when that crosses over to my child, you're asking for a war you are not prepared to fight. You will see a side of me unlike ever before. Everything even remotely nice and understanding about me is over where she's involved. I simply won't stand for it from her blood or otherwise. That I will never compromise on.

I don't have anything left to say right now. I am numb but I still feel a barrage of emotions so great it overwhelms me. But at least how I feel is clear and concise and no one is confused or left to wonder. I laid it all on the table.. I simply said it.

Just like most things in life, these feelings are subject to change without any notice. I an human and human emotions ate never set in stone. But as it stands for now...this is what it is.

And until I see change there will be none from me. Idle threats and empty promises aren't my style but being 100% authentic and standing  by my word are. And I mean every single syllable. I regret nothing  and I take nothing back.

The late great Dr. Maya Angelou said something so profound that it has opened my eyes time and time again when I face situations like this. I look to that statement as I leave you with it.

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." - Dr. Maya Angelou