Missing You

I will say, without a doubt, I am heartbroken! 

And no, it's NOT because of my dating life.

I know you all are used to my random posts about my love(less) life but this one is for my best friend.

On June 8th, she died.

Yes, you read it right; this smart, beautiful, kind, sweet, young lady died.

She was 42.

If you're surprised because she was so young, that makes TWO of us!

Yes, I know young people and people younger than her die every day but they aren't my best friends of 28 years so it doesn't affect me.

I know, I know; that's selfish of me but I admit this openly, I want her back!

I didn't get to say goodbye and I'm hurt and I'm angry.

It's NOT fair!

I'm not over it in the LEAST!

I know I am not supposed to question God at all and He knows fully what He is doing so who do I think I am right?

I..am..human!

Not to say God isn't because we were created in his image, but God gets to be with my best friend every day and now, I don't!

Honestly, I feel some type of way about it.

THIS, writing, is how I express things so forgive me if I seem self centered.

I'm grieving her so for a little bit, I'm going to be.

I don't want to mar her memory with my own feelings and my venting.

So, I'll speak of the good she brought in my life.

I met her at 15.

She was this quiet, red gyal and I of course felt like she needed protecting so that's what I did.

We had some not so nice assmates (yeah, I meant to say assmates because they were!) and I wasn't having ANY of it.

She didn't deserve that.

I was always the one who was over protective of my friends and probably always will be.

Blame my Aries nature.

She was smart, quiet and sweet. I was smart, loud and mean. Perfect combo!

We clicked instantly and became lifelong friends.

We went through puberty, young adulthood and almost made it through our middle ages.

I FULLY expected us to see old age. It wasn't to be.

• She convinced me to go back to college
• she convinced me to buy a Beetle (even though this one was a lemon)
• She told me where to go to get my first apartment (she moved in RIGHT behind me)
• I was in the car with her for my first car accident
• she taught me how to do bond in hair, and microwave ponytails
• I am fluent in Patois because of her
• I first tried all my Jamaican dishes in life and fell in love with the food because of her and her late mother
• She taught me to put colored contacts over my clear prescription ones (that was SUCH a bad idea but that's what best friends are for!)

I could go on and on as memories flood back constantly like they have since she died.

She hasn't left my mind day or night since she died.

I know it's because I wasn't prepared.

See, when my momma died, although I wasn't fully prepared, I knew it was coming.

It doesn't hurt any less now but it gets easier.

I had no CLUE a loss this great was coming and I am still in disbelief.

I still haven't processed it completely even though I was at her funeral.

Her birthday is today.

The pics I posted was from one of the many birthdays we shared.

She was SO happy!

As a matter of fact, she named herself Happy.

She told me if she spoke it into existence, it would be.

So Happy we called her.

I am now short one bridesmaid for the wedding I am going to have one day. I didn't get to be one at hers that she was planning.

My future 2nd child didn't get to become her Godchild.

I know how C.C. felt in Beaches now.

Every time I watch that movie I cry and I'm glad it wasn't MY best friend.

Now it is.

There's nothing I can do about it either.

It makes me feel so powerless.

I can say her death has prompted me to do some things I had been meaning to.

Things I know she would have been a cheerleader for.

She was already a cheerleader behind everything else I did, especially my recent weight loss.

She embodied loyalty.

 I don't have the answers but I do know life is not as long for some as it is for others.

While we're here we HAVE to make sure we live out our dreams.

Don't start things and don't finish, especially if it's going to improve my life.

Take risks even if it means rejection; somebody will say yes.

Only do things that make you happy, not what makes others happy!

Life is too short and the time we have here can be gone at any moment.

LIVE!

I miss her EVERY DAY! I don't expect that to change because missing momma hasn't changed.

I just have to tell myself any suffering she felt mentally, emotionally and physically is over because it is.

Her life is over but THAT part of her life is too!

So, I lost my best friend but I gained an angel and for that part of this all, I am forever grateful!

Coming to My Senses

So just the other day I was talking to my best friend about lack of communication from guys that we date. I was telling her that they don't realize how much time they give us to think when they disappear and don't reach out to us for days. Trust me, we have a lot of time to process things!

Now, you are probably saying that it also gives us time to over analyze things as well, and this is true. 

However, if the lines of communication were open, we would have a crystal clear picture of how the guy feels, what he's thinking and won't be left guessing.

The time that the guy disappears also gives us time to come to our senses.

We know that nothing short of bodily injury, and sometimes even that, will keep a man from contacting a woman he is truly interested in. 

There aren't enough blogs,  vlogs, and everything in between, from men themselves, verifying that. 

But damn all that; it's clear!

It's not rocket science,  chemistry or geometry. It's rather simple; when he wants to be in touch with you he will! 

Now, ladies,  a lot of you are guilty of letting them get missing and then going for their excuses when they pop back up.

I am guilty of this. 

There comes a time on your life,  when you reach a certain age,  where that's not acceptable.

I'm 42. I don't date ANYONE who is not fully aware that communication is key in any developing or developed relationship. Whether they take heed to that determines if they are allowed to stay in my space.

I don't care how much I like you,  if you make excuse after excuse for not communicating, I am gone. 

The thing about that is, you're communicating with SOMEONE,  it's just not me!

I'm cool with not being "the one". I'm not cool with a man not being 100 about me not being the one! 

Building up false ass hope with sporadic texts doesn't work for very long. As I stated, we come to our senses in your absence. 

I'm not perfect  but I'm a dope ass chick.

You're probably saying, "If you're so dope,  why are you single?"

Honestly, I wish I knew. 

You can gather by my past blogs though,  I haven't met any stellar gentleman that I ran off with my bluntness and my straight forward, Aries personality. I just haven't met any stellar gentlemen AT ALL! 

I have faith that they are still out there so I keep trying.  

I need to branch out in where I am meeting them however (clearly,  online dating is a huge failure).

I am on Meet Up but as confident and outgoing as I am,  I haven't mustered up the courage to go to one. I have valid excuses at the moment (a wrecked car and an injured right leg are pretty good reasons). 

My recent car accident and injury knocked some sense into me about the men in my midst. When times like this are upon you,  you see who is there for you when you need them mentally, emotionally and physically. 

No excuse will validate someone not at least communicating to see if you're still breathing at a time like that! 

I was literally run over by my car and when I tell you not one man in my midst was there for me mentally,  emotionally or phsycially, I do not exaggerate!

I was off for a week and could barely walk and I was isolated and alone. Oh,  add to that,  I don't have a legally driveable car so THAT was when I needed the most help I EVER needed. 

It gave me time to think,  it gave me time to process and it have me time to reevaluate.

Why isn't anyone calling to ask how I really feel?  Do they realize I could have died? Do they realize I'm shaken to my core? Do they realize how painful it is for a 2 ton vehicle to run over your body? Do they realize I just lost my ONLY means of transportation and I have a kid I am a single mom to?

Do they realize how expensive Uber and car rentals are? 

So many question went through my mind. 

While it's not their responsiblity, it's mine, there is also knowing that when someone cares about you,  they help when they can. Rather that be mentally,  emotionally,  financially or physically,  they do what they can because they care and they want you to know it beyond a shadow of a doubt.

It opened up so many revelations for me. I just saw the truth for what it is even though I asked for the truth straight out. 

It put so many things into perspective for me.

I realized that I had clouded vision, I realized I wasn't thinking clearly and most importantly it made me come to my senses. 

All She Ever Wanted Was a Real One

Can I be frank for a moment?

I do not like Atlanta. 
Yeah, I live here but let me just say this is not the "mecca" they claim it is! The majority of Black people here do NOT help each other! They look out for whoever they think can further them but God forbid they help someone reach a higher level out of the kindness of their heart! We'll NEVER get ahead as a people like this! EVER!

I am disappointed by this.

Some of the white ones look down on "us" way too much to be so cocky. It's 2016! I grew up with more, knowing more and exposed to more than half of them. I am educated and well spoken as were/are my parents. I am NOT a dumb Negro! I am African-American and I am a threat but not physically; my brain and mind-set tell my story. I am angered by this.

What I am really disheartened by is the dating scene!
The dating scene here in Atlanta has these dudes heads super swollen cuz they see quantity but aren't seeking quality.

They just see numbers and they lose it!

They feel a car, a decent job and their own place makes the a supreme catch.

Gtfoh, grown ass man, you're SUPPOSED to have that! That shit doesn't make you God's gift to women! You're doing shit normal men do! I am NOT impressed!

I am impressed by loyalty (this falls in line with honesty and monogamy), when they are family oriented, don't have fear of commitment, practise the three Ps: profess (professing to the world their love and devotion to me), protect (there should be no way a man I'm with should let anyone day or do anything foul to me. Considering, I don't want a thug nor do I ask for drama, cause drama or tolerate drama; if it comes my way it's unwarranted. I don't want a dude shrugging his shoulders and letting me know he could give two shits about my well being. I can't check a man the way another man can) and provide (this doesn't mean you have to pay my bills but possess the ability and willingness to do so. Nothing sucks worse than having a need and a man who puts his dick in you but can't put money in your hands when you really need it),  someone with a sense of adventure and a sense of humor, decent conversation, and who can encourage me in spirituality and marriage minded. THAT'S impressive to me!

My ass is phat/fat even though I am fat and my boobs are big. My stomach is flat when I lay down just like everyone else's (a BBW lover once told me he doesn't care about stomachs cuz they are all flat laying down. I thought it was hilarious but made perfectly logical sense. It never stopped me from gettin' busy!) so I don't have body image issues affecting my confidence. So I don't care about or worry about competing with all the video girl shaped chicks running around here (they aren't fairing much better BTW). I am feminine and fly. I smell pretty and look pretty.  You would think that counted for something but it doesn't seem to.

They also seem to think their above average sized phallus is enough. Well, I can tell you, it isn't! 

All they see is  the opportunity to prey on women, good women, and move on to the next victim.

I am nobody's victim! 
I won't ever accept  that and won't settle for it. I am almost 42, I'm not for the children's games. I don't have the patience for it in any capacity. 

I have not experienced this anywhere EXCEPT here!

That ratio of men to women here has these dudes thinking they have it made! 

They probably do but they should take into consideration that while Atlanta is big, at the same time it's rather small. Just like women come here, they can leave here. Women also talk. Even a nobody knows SOMEBODY!

And then there's ALWAYS white men (when I mentioned white people who are judging earlier, I did say SOME remember?)

Yeah, they not sleeping on us just cuz you are. They aren't MY cup of tea but never say never. That ratio works two ways. When shortages occur people find other resources.

I don't know what happened in this "black mecca" that they stopped being a king looking for a queen (ONE queen) and looking to have many wives (and they ain't hardly looking for marriage). 

I'm and old school chick with old school values. I will never accept these new fangled dating rules.

I deserve better and I require better.

I can see my time here in Atlanta coming to an end very soon. I have  things I am working on here first. Then I'm out!

I said the only thing that would keep me here is love. Not just any love either. The put-a-ring-on-it-two-and-a-half-kids-and-a-dog-white-picket-fence kinda love. If God has my soulmate looking for me, He better work fast because I am ret tah go! 

Until then I'll keep my toes dipped in the dating pool and put on my fuckboy blockers; it is certainly no shortage of those!

If you're in the same pool, utilize your life preservers (prophylactics) and only trust the lifeguards (the true good guys and not the ones dressed up as good guys).

Birthdays Was The Worst Days

I get excited and anxious when I realize my birthday is coming up. 
I don't know what I am doing this year. I have several options and that makes me giddy. I am anxious because I still REALLY miss my mom and she will no longer be here to celebrate with me in the flesh. 
So my birthday is an emotional time for me because frankly, I'm still grieving.
However, I am blessed that God saw fit for me to be here, alive and well, so sadness can't overtake that!
This post is about my worst birthday experience to date.
Last year was my first birthday without my mom and it was horrible. I usually spend it with my loved ones but I had someone say they were making some plans for me to get away and relax and it wasn't true. Unfortunately, I prematurely thought they were a loved one.
My mom ALWAYS made big deals out of our birthdays. So you can imagine I was hurt and disappointed when I went nowhere and did nothing.
My friends and family had all been asking me what I wanted to do and I told them that I had a nice room reserved for me and was getting a staycation.
I got attitude, rudeness and disrespected and then not so politely asked to leave because they weren't mentally ready to have their space invaded.
Mind you, I did NOT ask to invade their space! They offered and had me pick a nice room at a nice hotel. However, when I got to their place, they announced we were going NO PLACE! 
I tell you I didn't even have a McDonald's Happy Meal waiting for me! I BOUGHT FOOD FOR US BOTH!
So, they got a good meal a good lay, proceeded to pick arguments that left me in tears and basically told me I had to go. 
Luckily, a good friend bought me dinner and a bottle and cheered me up when they found out what happened. They did it without question or expectations. As it should be. 
Let me say that the offending party apologized...if you can call it that. It was more of a I-wish-she-would-just-shut-the-f***-up-already apology. It wasn't real or heartfelt. Honestly, I wonder if the way I was treated was more of a, "Well, it happened to me so, oh well." Kind of thing. They say hurt people hurt people.
Most of us don't share birthdays with others with our family/friends. It's OUR day! So, of course, we enjoy the extra attention! It only happens once a year!
Even if you do something by yourself every year, CELEBRATE living to see another one even if no one else cares! Do it for you! Don't let someone dictate how YOUR day should go!
Never spend YOUR day being hurt, in tears or filled with any negativity. And that goes for EVERY DAY in life as well.
Go out and do something you always wanted to, pamper yourself, buy that new pair of shoes you wanted...DO YOU!
Yolo so make the most of it!

Lady of Convenience

lady of convenience

A woman that is taken to events, paraded around as a girlfriend, and screwed when the male needs it. She is convenient until something better comes along and the male is not committed. She is similar to an escort.

I am not built for that shit! I am just not about that life! 

I require more. I don't require a lot but I DO require more!

I really don't want to be in that type of situationship at 41. 41 will turn into 45, 45 will be 50 and then you'll have a hard time settling down and just have to settle.

I have much higher standards than being anyone's lady of convenience.

I want the white picket fence, two and a half kids and a dog. I deserve that.
While I don't want it now, I want it eventually. 

These types of relationships are ALWAYS for the benefit of the man. The woman is usually totally unaware, being mislead and/or he pretends he "wants to take things slow". She NEVER gets the full truth until she figures it out by herself OR by mistake (You know guys are NEVER as slick as they THINK are!).

If they do tell you what's up, it's ALWAYS sent with mixed messages and mixed signals until you ask for a commitment. Then they backpedal and remind you how they didn't want a relationship and the vicious cycle keeps repeating itself. 

They (society) like to harp on age for women. A lot! For some things I harp on age too. They say we have less energy after 40. I know they HAVE to mean mental energy as well because I don't have the energy for fruitless relationships at this point in my life. Whether it be career, friendships, familial or otherwise personal. As Sweet Brown said, "Ain't nobody got time for that!"

I don't want to be a piece to any man, I want to be his everything. A lady of convenience gets whatever that man has to give. It's usually only enough to satisfy her momentarily so she'll shut up.

I can admit I tried to get through to men like this before. I mean I went HARD!

I did everything a woman should with no title.

As a matter of fact, I spent 11 months of my life doing so before.

That was ample time to get a feel of what a lady of convenience goes through.

My experience was far less than stellar.

I, unfortunately, was being the type of woman who was hardheaded and didn't listen to the many instances of being told he wasn't ready. I take full ownership of that.

Often ladies of convenience see that shift in attitude when they are ready to leave that makes them question if they are being patient enough.

He's being extra loving, sweet and caring to you. He's "acting" like your dude but trust me, he is NOT!

I experienced this OFTEN.

I got the talks about future plans, questioned about how I would treat my man (as if I wasn't showing him that already); this had me thinking he was ready to make this official...That was a pipe dream being sold. I was even told about events that couples would frequent, that we NEVER made it to! 

Granted, I do not feel he took someone else, him not taking me was enough of a jab.

He just wasn't into me. I even called him on that numerous times. I just got a beat around the bush answer when I confronted him..every time.

I felt it in my gut. I just didn't go with it. I take responsibility for that as well. ALWAYS go with your gut. I addressed that in my post here:

Trust In Your Decisions

I can't waste my time ever doing that again!

Ladies, I don't suggest you do it either.

It's a hurtful, lonely, disappointing situation to be in and it can be avoided.

Being a good woman won't make a man who is not ready change for you. I felt like I couldn't show all my love and I held back in numerous ways because I could sense that he wasn't giving me all of him.

That's a bad feeling, to feel like you can't be free to love him totally. You know he's not allowing himself to do the same, or trusting you with his heart. Why would I risk what he wouldn't?

The shit we see in the movies doesn't happen for girls like me, unfortunately. I live in a very real, and sometimes cruel, world.

Trust me, I waited for that change in him to happen and it never did.

When they say it's not you, believe that it isn't!

Do yourself a favor and move on and quickly.

The longer you have someone occupying that space is the longer your soulmate is being kept away from you.

How can the right man come in when the wrong man is in the way?

He's waiting and watching and you will be his PRIORITY.

I am really not going through these changes in 2016 or beyond. I deserve what I have to give, I have standards, certain things are deal breakers and I won't compromise myself ever again for them. 

I have more love and respect for myself to ever do THAT again! We have to love and respect ourselves and never let anyone make us deviate from that for ANY reason,

Not for their love, not for their attention, and certainly not for THEIR convenience.

He's Just Not That Into Me

*sigh* I am new to the Atlanta area and just getting back into the dating scene. It's a much bigger city than the Podunk town I have lived in for the past five years. So naturally,  I assumed the dating scene had to be better.

I turned to online dating because I am not sure where I can go socially and haven't truly been ready to hit the club scene. I really don't want too so that's an added factor as well. I would much rather have some conversations, feel him out, meet for coffee (well, hot cocoa for me) and go from there. It's more personal and more intimate. 

I tried this app called Tinder.

This app is awesome. It lets you filter out the people in your area and you can go from there. You can like/view them anonymously and if it's a mutal match, it let's you know and drops an reminder in your inbox. If they aren't feeling you, you don't ever know it. 

It saves you the humiliating experience of drooling over someone, they know it or ignore you, and you are feeling embarrassed when they don't dig you. You don't have to fake like you like them either. You can lament in silence when you click like and there's no mutual attraction because they have NO IDEA you liked them. 

Ohhhh, that glorious mutal match is an awesome thing. I was mutually matched to said musician. Finally, I was having some luck! 

He's a cool dude. He's a musician, he's attractive, and he has a great personality. It seems we had a great connection. All was cool until we decided to meet  .

You think that when you reached that point, it's all uphill from there. You get to actually see and smell (nothing besides the smell of babies and your momma can top a good smelling man) this wonderful individual and....NOTHING!

I was stood up two nights in a row. 

One night being stood up was rehearsal and I understood it. My issue was me having to call HIM to find out what thee hell happened! He saw no issues with not contacting me and giving me the courtesy of knowing he wasn't going to meet me. So, we got past that and decided to go for the next day.

Saturday arrives, babysitters are in place, he's done with his event and all is cool. It's 10 p.m.. It's a little late for my taste but I was being flexible.

The following takes place between 10:00 and 11:45 p.m.

Him: Hey hun im just leaving (city 20 minutes away)

Me: Okay..so you still wanna meet of what? (Excuse the typos but despite them, I gave him an out early in the conversation just in case he was planning to stand me up again. He could have taken it then but that would make too much sense)

Him: I gotta drop off 2 pple first

Me: Okay...I am going to shower.

Him: Hurry (my redflag should have gone up here but I was smiling thinking he was as excited to finally see me as I was him..WRONG!)

Him: Where do u want to meet

Me: I have no idea but its gonna be at least halfway or you come this way

Me: You know I am nnot real familiar

Him: I cant be gone to long....by me having to have this album done in 2 wks im recording every day and night ....but i wanted 2 take a few mins for us 2 meet (Ummm...whet? This was NEVER once mentioned. Mind you, he was supposed to have made time for me finally in his "uber busy" schedule. So why the hell are you springing this on me at the last minute? That's pretty inconsiderate.)

Me: So you have stuff to do tonight?

Him: In about an hour

Me: Music Man, you can't be serious...

Him: Babe i am (cuz Babe always softens the blow of, "I really didn't set aside the time for you. I just said I did so I could appease you at that moment)

Despite my intuition screaming at me to cancel, put my foot down and not accept sub par treatment for our first meeting because it will set the tone for every single time after, I tried to remain flexible and still decided to meet him.

Me: There's a Starbucks on (insert city ten minutes from you so you get the idea of what I mean) ...meet me there (At this point,  if I was limited to an hour I would be damned if I was driving far to see him. Fuck that!)

Him: I live 45 minutes from (city closer to you since I have already inconvenienced you)

Me: Okay..so. basically you want me to come that way for an hour or less in the dark knowing IDK where I am headed?

Me: How about we drive towards a middle point. IDK what it where that is though. 

Me: I wasn't kidding when I said I had not been out exploring

Mind you ten and fifteen minutes go by and he's not replying so I called.

Me: I just called you ...no answer

Him: Hey hun my phone didnt ring

(I called back...twice...no answer...)

Me: I just called you AGAIN

(I call two more times in yet another 15 minute interval. By now this phone goes straignt to voicemail.)

Me: Call me then

Me: That doesn't make sense to keep making me call you back to not get an answer

(I don't know what kind of game was going on at this point but he's not calling back and taking 10 and 15 minutes to reply to texts. By now it's 11:15!)

Him: Babe r you near (a city about 15 minutes from me)

(this text came in so randomly and at almost 11:30!)

Me: Close enough but you need to call me...

He did not call. He did not text. Not that night again. And not the next day or night either. Today, Monday, rolls around and I sent HIM a message. It was the regular good morning text and asking how he was and when. He started texting small talk I said this:

Look, I am not really one for small talk so I'll just cut right to it. IDK what happened Saturday but if you're not interested it's cool, Music Man, just tell me that so I won't waste time trying to get to know you.

Very straight up and to the point

He didn't reply but used the excuse he was driving and would hit me back.

So hours later, I called him, because it's normal for us to talk during the day with us both being home. Hell, we even started Skyping every day! I could not get him on the phone...again...

Apparently, that warm fuzzy feeling I was having was far from mutual and I didn't see it. 

It's not like I was writing his last name behind mine, planning weddings, or naming our kids. I liked him and liking someone feels great! An even greater feeling is when they actually like you too. Apparently, someone or something was causing me to be sent to voicemail, ignored and blown off. Personally, I don't care who or what. My only concern is that he doesn't like me. Everything and everyone else in the equation is irrelevant.  

When a man is into you,  you will never have to question it. It will be blatantly obvious. Nothing, and I do mean NOTHING, will stop him from seeing you or communicating with you. It's men in prison for life that risk being in solitary confinement for extended periods of times, to call a woman from an illegal cell. You can't tell me a man in the free world can't make time. I'd have to be some type of fool to believe that.

There is always a window of opportunity in which you hope that guy will come to his senses and realize he shouldn't have dropped you because you are a catch. However, that only happens in the movies. I guess that's why I hate romance movies. I am never the girl that gets the guy. 

You win some, you lose some. Sometimes, he just not that into you.