Missing You

I will say, without a doubt, I am heartbroken! 

And no, it's NOT because of my dating life.

I know you all are used to my random posts about my love(less) life but this one is for my best friend.

On June 8th, she died.

Yes, you read it right; this smart, beautiful, kind, sweet, young lady died.

She was 42.

If you're surprised because she was so young, that makes TWO of us!

Yes, I know young people and people younger than her die every day but they aren't my best friends of 28 years so it doesn't affect me.

I know, I know; that's selfish of me but I admit this openly, I want her back!

I didn't get to say goodbye and I'm hurt and I'm angry.

It's NOT fair!

I'm not over it in the LEAST!

I know I am not supposed to question God at all and He knows fully what He is doing so who do I think I am right?

I..am..human!

Not to say God isn't because we were created in his image, but God gets to be with my best friend every day and now, I don't!

Honestly, I feel some type of way about it.

THIS, writing, is how I express things so forgive me if I seem self centered.

I'm grieving her so for a little bit, I'm going to be.

I don't want to mar her memory with my own feelings and my venting.

So, I'll speak of the good she brought in my life.

I met her at 15.

She was this quiet, red gyal and I of course felt like she needed protecting so that's what I did.

We had some not so nice assmates (yeah, I meant to say assmates because they were!) and I wasn't having ANY of it.

She didn't deserve that.

I was always the one who was over protective of my friends and probably always will be.

Blame my Aries nature.

She was smart, quiet and sweet. I was smart, loud and mean. Perfect combo!

We clicked instantly and became lifelong friends.

We went through puberty, young adulthood and almost made it through our middle ages.

I FULLY expected us to see old age. It wasn't to be.

• She convinced me to go back to college
• she convinced me to buy a Beetle (even though this one was a lemon)
• She told me where to go to get my first apartment (she moved in RIGHT behind me)
• I was in the car with her for my first car accident
• she taught me how to do bond in hair, and microwave ponytails
• I am fluent in Patois because of her
• I first tried all my Jamaican dishes in life and fell in love with the food because of her and her late mother
• She taught me to put colored contacts over my clear prescription ones (that was SUCH a bad idea but that's what best friends are for!)

I could go on and on as memories flood back constantly like they have since she died.

She hasn't left my mind day or night since she died.

I know it's because I wasn't prepared.

See, when my momma died, although I wasn't fully prepared, I knew it was coming.

It doesn't hurt any less now but it gets easier.

I had no CLUE a loss this great was coming and I am still in disbelief.

I still haven't processed it completely even though I was at her funeral.

Her birthday is today.

The pics I posted was from one of the many birthdays we shared.

She was SO happy!

As a matter of fact, she named herself Happy.

She told me if she spoke it into existence, it would be.

So Happy we called her.

I am now short one bridesmaid for the wedding I am going to have one day. I didn't get to be one at hers that she was planning.

My future 2nd child didn't get to become her Godchild.

I know how C.C. felt in Beaches now.

Every time I watch that movie I cry and I'm glad it wasn't MY best friend.

Now it is.

There's nothing I can do about it either.

It makes me feel so powerless.

I can say her death has prompted me to do some things I had been meaning to.

Things I know she would have been a cheerleader for.

She was already a cheerleader behind everything else I did, especially my recent weight loss.

She embodied loyalty.

 I don't have the answers but I do know life is not as long for some as it is for others.

While we're here we HAVE to make sure we live out our dreams.

Don't start things and don't finish, especially if it's going to improve my life.

Take risks even if it means rejection; somebody will say yes.

Only do things that make you happy, not what makes others happy!

Life is too short and the time we have here can be gone at any moment.

LIVE!

I miss her EVERY DAY! I don't expect that to change because missing momma hasn't changed.

I just have to tell myself any suffering she felt mentally, emotionally and physically is over because it is.

Her life is over but THAT part of her life is too!

So, I lost my best friend but I gained an angel and for that part of this all, I am forever grateful!

Coming to My Senses

So just the other day I was talking to my best friend about lack of communication from guys that we date. I was telling her that they don't realize how much time they give us to think when they disappear and don't reach out to us for days. Trust me, we have a lot of time to process things!

Now, you are probably saying that it also gives us time to over analyze things as well, and this is true. 

However, if the lines of communication were open, we would have a crystal clear picture of how the guy feels, what he's thinking and won't be left guessing.

The time that the guy disappears also gives us time to come to our senses.

We know that nothing short of bodily injury, and sometimes even that, will keep a man from contacting a woman he is truly interested in. 

There aren't enough blogs,  vlogs, and everything in between, from men themselves, verifying that. 

But damn all that; it's clear!

It's not rocket science,  chemistry or geometry. It's rather simple; when he wants to be in touch with you he will! 

Now, ladies,  a lot of you are guilty of letting them get missing and then going for their excuses when they pop back up.

I am guilty of this. 

There comes a time on your life,  when you reach a certain age,  where that's not acceptable.

I'm 42. I don't date ANYONE who is not fully aware that communication is key in any developing or developed relationship. Whether they take heed to that determines if they are allowed to stay in my space.

I don't care how much I like you,  if you make excuse after excuse for not communicating, I am gone. 

The thing about that is, you're communicating with SOMEONE,  it's just not me!

I'm cool with not being "the one". I'm not cool with a man not being 100 about me not being the one! 

Building up false ass hope with sporadic texts doesn't work for very long. As I stated, we come to our senses in your absence. 

I'm not perfect  but I'm a dope ass chick.

You're probably saying, "If you're so dope,  why are you single?"

Honestly, I wish I knew. 

You can gather by my past blogs though,  I haven't met any stellar gentleman that I ran off with my bluntness and my straight forward, Aries personality. I just haven't met any stellar gentlemen AT ALL! 

I have faith that they are still out there so I keep trying.  

I need to branch out in where I am meeting them however (clearly,  online dating is a huge failure).

I am on Meet Up but as confident and outgoing as I am,  I haven't mustered up the courage to go to one. I have valid excuses at the moment (a wrecked car and an injured right leg are pretty good reasons). 

My recent car accident and injury knocked some sense into me about the men in my midst. When times like this are upon you,  you see who is there for you when you need them mentally, emotionally and physically. 

No excuse will validate someone not at least communicating to see if you're still breathing at a time like that! 

I was literally run over by my car and when I tell you not one man in my midst was there for me mentally,  emotionally or phsycially, I do not exaggerate!

I was off for a week and could barely walk and I was isolated and alone. Oh,  add to that,  I don't have a legally driveable car so THAT was when I needed the most help I EVER needed. 

It gave me time to think,  it gave me time to process and it have me time to reevaluate.

Why isn't anyone calling to ask how I really feel?  Do they realize I could have died? Do they realize I'm shaken to my core? Do they realize how painful it is for a 2 ton vehicle to run over your body? Do they realize I just lost my ONLY means of transportation and I have a kid I am a single mom to?

Do they realize how expensive Uber and car rentals are? 

So many question went through my mind. 

While it's not their responsiblity, it's mine, there is also knowing that when someone cares about you,  they help when they can. Rather that be mentally,  emotionally,  financially or physically,  they do what they can because they care and they want you to know it beyond a shadow of a doubt.

It opened up so many revelations for me. I just saw the truth for what it is even though I asked for the truth straight out. 

It put so many things into perspective for me.

I realized that I had clouded vision, I realized I wasn't thinking clearly and most importantly it made me come to my senses. 

Change Gone Come

There was a question posed by a parenting page on Facebook that asked what has changed since you became a mother/what was the most unexpected change. That, for me, was a loaded question! I feel like I am on an island at this point in my life as a parent.

Its bad enough that I have to raise her as a single mother but for people who I dubbed as close friends to fade into the background was a blow to me. I may be more determined to be a better person but that's not a bad thing. I don't place myself on a pedestal. And, no, I didn't change and think I was Mother Teresa all of a sudden because its not like I had negative people in my circle. The negative and insincere ones showed their colors and were gone AGES before I was well into my pregnancy/had already become a mother.

Its a shame that people will always find a reason to be envious of you even when you don't have much, are not in a good position in life and they have so much more! There will always be that one thing that they are envious of. And that envy can cause them to distance themselves even though you did NOTHING to them!

I am deeply saddened by this. I have been going through so many obstacles in my life. I have been trying and trying to get back where I was and even further in my life before location wise, career wise and as far as my education, but obstacles have come and they continue to come. And I am dealing with his as best I can and with no one to help me through like I have done my best to help! I don't complain often because I try to stay positive and I don't like to bombard people with my issues but its nice to now you have a shoulder if you need 1.

Words are one thing but actions are what speaks the louder than anything! I sit back and realize how I was there for so many people when they went through emotional and mental challenges and again I am out here in this category 4 storm, deserted on this island.

I haven't changed as far as my interests so I am still me. I don't get the chance to do much of the things I did before but that doesn't mean I can't or wont! It just saddens me that no one asks or cares to find out. I do not expects peoples lives to change for me or for them to stop living their lives on account of me; that's far from feasible. But I am more deserving of this type of treatment by a long shot! I have seen people abandon some of these people, and they truly deserved it and was still the last "man" standing with no resentment and I didn't do it begrudgingly.

So, the thing that has changed the most FOR ME since becoming a mother are my loyalties. I am only going to be as loyal to those who have been loyal to me and are STILL being loyal to me. And at the end of the day, when the storm blows over, the clouds clear up and the sun shines again, the ones standing there with the umbrella, soaking wet are the ones who I now are the truest ever!