Never Forget Your Worth!

Being single & dating is super hard!

Single women don’t want to be embarrassed in front of their friends anymore than a woman who’s in a relationship does!

We don’t want to have only adventures of sex to tell our friends! 

We want to talk about how you came in & brought us some flowers, took us out, how you try to get to know our heart, how you love us just when we are, that you have your own mind and that you take us just how we are.

We want to build with someone,  love someone unconditionally, hold down &  be held down, ALL THAT! 

We are humans with feelings too & people need to remember we sre not these heartless, emotionless,  "crazy", lonely people they peg us as!

Y'all better stop acting like it's something wrong with us, we're expecting too much and needing too much before you miss your blessing!  

You can definitely switch gears with someone who you allowed to do things you usually don’t tolerate.

Don’t let anybody tell you something like, “That's not how we were in the beginning so why are you trying to switch up now?”

The answer to that is you let them try you long enough! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

Sometimes we try to compromise because we feel like we’re being unreasonable with our requests and because we really love somebody,  but never second-guess your own judgment. 

Dealbreakers are just that; dealbreakers.!

Don't let somebody tell you that you don’t deserve the best treatment because you don’t look a certain way, or because you don’t do things exactly the way they want you to all the time, or you don't allow them to treat you a certain types of way, or for any reason!

Demand the best because you deserve the best!

Coming to My Senses

So just the other day I was talking to my best friend about lack of communication from guys that we date. I was telling her that they don't realize how much time they give us to think when they disappear and don't reach out to us for days. Trust me, we have a lot of time to process things!

Now, you are probably saying that it also gives us time to over analyze things as well, and this is true. 

However, if the lines of communication were open, we would have a crystal clear picture of how the guy feels, what he's thinking and won't be left guessing.

The time that the guy disappears also gives us time to come to our senses.

We know that nothing short of bodily injury, and sometimes even that, will keep a man from contacting a woman he is truly interested in. 

There aren't enough blogs,  vlogs, and everything in between, from men themselves, verifying that. 

But damn all that; it's clear!

It's not rocket science,  chemistry or geometry. It's rather simple; when he wants to be in touch with you he will! 

Now, ladies,  a lot of you are guilty of letting them get missing and then going for their excuses when they pop back up.

I am guilty of this. 

There comes a time on your life,  when you reach a certain age,  where that's not acceptable.

I'm 42. I don't date ANYONE who is not fully aware that communication is key in any developing or developed relationship. Whether they take heed to that determines if they are allowed to stay in my space.

I don't care how much I like you,  if you make excuse after excuse for not communicating, I am gone. 

The thing about that is, you're communicating with SOMEONE,  it's just not me!

I'm cool with not being "the one". I'm not cool with a man not being 100 about me not being the one! 

Building up false ass hope with sporadic texts doesn't work for very long. As I stated, we come to our senses in your absence. 

I'm not perfect  but I'm a dope ass chick.

You're probably saying, "If you're so dope,  why are you single?"

Honestly, I wish I knew. 

You can gather by my past blogs though,  I haven't met any stellar gentleman that I ran off with my bluntness and my straight forward, Aries personality. I just haven't met any stellar gentlemen AT ALL! 

I have faith that they are still out there so I keep trying.  

I need to branch out in where I am meeting them however (clearly,  online dating is a huge failure).

I am on Meet Up but as confident and outgoing as I am,  I haven't mustered up the courage to go to one. I have valid excuses at the moment (a wrecked car and an injured right leg are pretty good reasons). 

My recent car accident and injury knocked some sense into me about the men in my midst. When times like this are upon you,  you see who is there for you when you need them mentally, emotionally and physically. 

No excuse will validate someone not at least communicating to see if you're still breathing at a time like that! 

I was literally run over by my car and when I tell you not one man in my midst was there for me mentally,  emotionally or phsycially, I do not exaggerate!

I was off for a week and could barely walk and I was isolated and alone. Oh,  add to that,  I don't have a legally driveable car so THAT was when I needed the most help I EVER needed. 

It gave me time to think,  it gave me time to process and it have me time to reevaluate.

Why isn't anyone calling to ask how I really feel?  Do they realize I could have died? Do they realize I'm shaken to my core? Do they realize how painful it is for a 2 ton vehicle to run over your body? Do they realize I just lost my ONLY means of transportation and I have a kid I am a single mom to?

Do they realize how expensive Uber and car rentals are? 

So many question went through my mind. 

While it's not their responsiblity, it's mine, there is also knowing that when someone cares about you,  they help when they can. Rather that be mentally,  emotionally,  financially or physically,  they do what they can because they care and they want you to know it beyond a shadow of a doubt.

It opened up so many revelations for me. I just saw the truth for what it is even though I asked for the truth straight out. 

It put so many things into perspective for me.

I realized that I had clouded vision, I realized I wasn't thinking clearly and most importantly it made me come to my senses. 

My Truth - A Year Later, Part 1

Today I am going to give you a rare glimpse into my personal dating life. 
As some of you may well know, I took a six-year hiatus on dating.  I became a single mother,  I lived in a really small, cliquish one horse town, I knew I would be moving away from there soon and was (and I still am) focused on my daughter and working.

It wasn't until I moved here to the Atlanta area that I decided to give dating a whirl. 

This has been....I am trying to think of one word to describe it accurately...

Well, honestly, I can't. So I am going to just describe it how I feel.

And let me just say that if you're someone I dated and you're reading this and you get offended, honestly, I don't really give a fuck. 

That is MY flaw, this brutal honesty, and I own that. 
I am working on toning it down. But that won't be today so suck it easy! It's not like any of us are TRULY friends, although had there been some honesty on YOUR part we could have been.

I have friends here. As a matter of fact my best friend is here. I have been asked why they don't hook me up."
Honestly, I don't really like or expect my friends to set me up. Unfortunately, while they are really awesome, they are single too, this isn't the era my parents were in when in their dating years (actually, by this age (41) my mom and dad had been married almost 20 years) and people just don't do the matchmaking thing anymore. It sucks really though because your friends are the best judge of characters aside from yourself, and they are on the outside looking in. 
They see flaws we miss because we have our blinders on. They know us and know who we would be a good match for. However, if they are having their own struggles, it's hard for them to really push theirs aside for mine. I get it and I am not offended. 

But I digress.

This experience for me has been full of dishonesty, selfishness, secrecy,  disappointment and hurt. 

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I give it freely once I decide to give it and I expect the same. I don't fall in love easily (and I am not currently in love) and haven't been in love in almost a decade. 

The last person I was in love with has been with the woman he had after me for almost as long. I admit I screwed that up royally and I still kick myself over it. He was an awesome guy then and still is now but I wasn't smart enough to see it then. He's still a great friend to me to this day (you see how that works?).

Just because I am not in love doesn't mean I don't love.

I can love you for your personality, your sense of humor, how smart you are, your sense of adventure...or simply for just being you!

I don't require much either.  I require, honesty, a giving and caring person and someone open with nothing to hide. I like a smart man, a driven man and a man willing to be serious about me.

It's been almost a year. I haven't had ANY combination of those things in a person I dated.

Don't get me wrong, it's only been two I "dated" and the others were false starts, which is NOT to be translated to sex. It wasn't. Hell, we didn't get that far!
My first experience started off pleasant. He was a church going guy, very much into music and attractive. I blogged about that experience here.
Well I want to say that I could have taken that as a sign but I like to be optimistic. I am a bit of a hopeless romantic and I feel find WILL find the one so I definitely didn't let that deter me. He wasn't honest with me, he was either too busy or already involved (after he added me on Facebook I noticed a chick that seemed to linger around a lot so I kind of put two and two together) and I didn't fit into the scheme of things. I took that L and kept it pushing.
My second experience started off great. This dude seemed really interested but he was pushing for a meeting too fast and I was hesitant. That was my gut instinct telling me to be cautious and next time I will go with it.
We finally meet and he's very attractive, sweet, attentive and has his ducks in a row as far as what meets the eye. I even felt comfortable enough to bring him around my family but NOT as my man. It was just friendship.
Well, he pulled a disappearing act for two weeks and randomly popped back up expecting me not to have questions or an issue with that.
That was NOT cool! If he felt that things were getting too heavy and he wasn't ready, he should filled ME in on that! I assumed he used me for a space filler and that the interest I developed wasn't genuinely reciprocated. Of course I had sense enough to ASK what he wanted, however what he said and what he did were two TOTALLY different things.
That sucked because the trust I had for him went out the window. I no longer took him seriously. His disappearing was a habit and happened several times in the months we "dated". Finally, he just flaked out on me TWICE at a time I had an emergency with my car and with my daughter and I was done!
I at least told him so he knew to delete my number and not bother randomly hitting me up at time I assume,  he was between women or bored with the one he may have had or whatever he has going on. It wasn't worth devoting the energy to find out.
There was another dude I was digging after that. Really smart, attractive and had great conversation.
Honestly, I don't know why we didn't become good friends at the very least.
I tried. I genuinely tried to at least be friends with him but when he went out to lounges or events, he NEVER included me despite me having expressed interest numerous times in going.
I definitely wasn't trying to copblock or make my presence known as his chick cuz I wasn't nor did I remotely think that. I just thought he was a cool dude and would be fun to hang out with.
After hitting someone up and asking what they are doing so many tines and learning they are out with friends, you get the picture they don't or WON'T be considering you one. I let it go.
No hard feelings but maybe I was in my feelings about the slight or what I felt was a slight. He wasn't a bad dude to me but it just wasn't in the cards for us to be friends or otherwise.
It is what it is.
So now onto the gentleman and the scholar. Actually, scholar, yes, gentleman,  NO!
This guy was pushy from the gate. He is highly intelligent and established. Physically I wasn't attracted to him because he is the spitting image of someone who I consider family. The attraction wasn't there.
I decided to finally go out with him EVEN THOUGH I didn't feel comfortable. He was just pushy and always upset because I wouldn't go out with him when HE wanted me to.
I thought maybe I was just being difficult because I hate when people try to control me. Blame the Aries in me. So against my better judgment, I decided to go.
The ENTIRE date he bashed every guy I had spoken of dating. I just spoke of my past experience in life as a whole. This man used his PhD in psychology to analyze every bit of information (which wasn't much because I didn't need to spill all my personal business with him) I had given him about my past dating experiences. I am 41. I have been dating since I was 20. Now you all KNOW I did NOT tell this man about 20 years of dating! I didn't even tell him details of my dates before him. I just said I wasn't on the same page with the ones I have met since I moved. THAT WAS IT!
This dude tries to get detailed information from me regarding WHY it didn't work. I immediately knew it was to try to manipulate me and use psychology on me so I can bend to HIS will.
You gotta be quicker than that!
When that failed miserably, he thought that pushing up on me in a parking lot, trying to shove his hand into my vagina and propositioning me to go to the hotel across the street would do it.
Surely a woman whom he NEVER had a sexual conversation with MUST want to suddenly sleep with him right?
WRONG!
I declined. He proceeded to try to hook up with me and I finally just told him it will never work.
For one, he stated he was divorced and not ready for a relationship, he wanted to go with the flow and I need more than that.
Secondly, I saw how he used his super powers (his psychology degree) for evil. I can't stand a manipulative man who thinks that he's smarter than I am. He even told he's not used to a woman that can keep up with him mentally but liked that I could.
My red flags went up because I knew it would be a constant power struggle and constant mind games.
I just couldn't subject myself to that. 
I have dealt with a lot of loss in the past two years. My mother being the BIGGEST loss! So losing someone who doesn't have sincere interest in me is NOTHING! (I will explain that in the second part of this post when I get to my current situation.) I am tired of giving my all to people just to get such a small portion back.
I won't let it break my spirit. My mom was heartbroken by her first marriage, bounced back and married my dad.  So her spirit in in me. I miss her, especially now. She's not here to listen to me discuss my disappointments and be my shoulder through this fiasco I call my  love life.
She certainly would have some encouraging words for me to help me muddle through all of this. 
Since she's not,  I have to tough it out and get through it until he arrives.
I take lessons from everyone. I still haven't learned to listen to the No's however. 
I still think that my heart can win someone over. I think I can show them that whatever they went through in love, I can erase it and make it better. 
I still think that the good in me will make people want to show me the good in them.
 I still think that there is good in people even when they mean me no good.
I still think I am too optimistic when there is not positive in the situation. 
I am STILL growing.
I am STILL learning,
I am STILL healing.
Most importantly, I am STILL STANDING!

Change Gone Come

There was a question posed by a parenting page on Facebook that asked what has changed since you became a mother/what was the most unexpected change. That, for me, was a loaded question! I feel like I am on an island at this point in my life as a parent.

Its bad enough that I have to raise her as a single mother but for people who I dubbed as close friends to fade into the background was a blow to me. I may be more determined to be a better person but that's not a bad thing. I don't place myself on a pedestal. And, no, I didn't change and think I was Mother Teresa all of a sudden because its not like I had negative people in my circle. The negative and insincere ones showed their colors and were gone AGES before I was well into my pregnancy/had already become a mother.

Its a shame that people will always find a reason to be envious of you even when you don't have much, are not in a good position in life and they have so much more! There will always be that one thing that they are envious of. And that envy can cause them to distance themselves even though you did NOTHING to them!

I am deeply saddened by this. I have been going through so many obstacles in my life. I have been trying and trying to get back where I was and even further in my life before location wise, career wise and as far as my education, but obstacles have come and they continue to come. And I am dealing with his as best I can and with no one to help me through like I have done my best to help! I don't complain often because I try to stay positive and I don't like to bombard people with my issues but its nice to now you have a shoulder if you need 1.

Words are one thing but actions are what speaks the louder than anything! I sit back and realize how I was there for so many people when they went through emotional and mental challenges and again I am out here in this category 4 storm, deserted on this island.

I haven't changed as far as my interests so I am still me. I don't get the chance to do much of the things I did before but that doesn't mean I can't or wont! It just saddens me that no one asks or cares to find out. I do not expects peoples lives to change for me or for them to stop living their lives on account of me; that's far from feasible. But I am more deserving of this type of treatment by a long shot! I have seen people abandon some of these people, and they truly deserved it and was still the last "man" standing with no resentment and I didn't do it begrudgingly.

So, the thing that has changed the most FOR ME since becoming a mother are my loyalties. I am only going to be as loyal to those who have been loyal to me and are STILL being loyal to me. And at the end of the day, when the storm blows over, the clouds clear up and the sun shines again, the ones standing there with the umbrella, soaking wet are the ones who I now are the truest ever!