Swapping Adjectives

All too often when a woman,  especially a Black woman,  expresses her discontent with something,  we are saddled with the word bitter.
This is especially true of unwed, single mothers in my age group.
It's like we aren't free to express our dissatisfaction with ANYTHING or ANYONE,  especially the brothas,  without wearing that label.
That is an ill-conceived notion.
I honestly don't know a group of women who have had a tougher time in life than the Black woman.
That's nor to discredit white women and other women of color.
That's NOT what I'm saying by any means.
I can't speak on any other experiences other than that of a Black woman because that's what I am.
However,  I do know what I see.
One stark example that we're STILL NOT considered equal would be the fact that we're THEE MOST educated group yet if our resume has a name like Tamisha versus Jennifer (yes, I know several Black Jennifers),  guess who's more than likely getting called back first,  despite the résumé's content?
I've seen positions I qualified for be filled by white women with nothing going on upstairs when I wasn't even interviewed.
No,  I'm NOT paranoid;  this is STILL happening to this day!
However,  that's one example and honestly it's NOT what prompts people to call us bitter.
You know what does prompt that?;  Our relationship status.
Yes,  our relationship status has been the center of a LOT of disrespect to Black women.
Especially women over a certain age.
Especially Black women of a certain age who are single mothers.
There's an ENTIRE YouTube channel run by a Black male COMPLETELY focused on his disdain for Black women, but ESPECIALLY single mothers.
He has a huge following and sad to say they are mostly bitter Black men who are just as jaded as he is.
It is tough to see that much hatred of us from our own as much as we hold them down.
It's a slap in the face.
It turns out he had a kid he wasn't taking care of all this time,  he produced out of wedlock AND was on child support for!
Go fucking figure!
Yesterday,  I was talking to a 42 year old man (you'll see why I mentioned his age later).
We had been having phone conversations and texting when we couldn't talk.
We were really building a good rapport.
Or so I thought.
Anyway,  we're conversing and he said,  and I quote, "I was talking to this woman with four kids who had the nerve to say that she was going to wait on marriage before she had sex again. I told her ain't no man gone out up with that!"
I was taken aback by the boldness in his statement!
So naturally,  I questioned the validity of his statement.
What the Hell does he mean she had "the nerve"?
What was wrong with what she said?  So the conversation proceeded like this:

Me: Well,  why can't she choose what she wants to do with her body?
Him: Because she has FOUR kids!  Ain't no man gone put up with that!
Me: So wait,  because she has four kids she can't choose not to have sex outside of marriage now?
Him: That's not what I'm saying but she has four kids so that means it could have been four,  three or maybe even one man but she has FOUR kids.
Me: So the amount of kids she has determines if she can change her ways and morals, if we're assuming she has bad ways and no morals, and decide to wait for marriage before having sex again?
Him: I'm not saying that. I'm just saying no man is going to put up with that.
Me: Then explain it because you are basically saying she doesn't have a right to make that decision because she has four kids!
Him: That's not what I'm saying but ain't no man gonna put up with that!  A lot of other women agreed with me when I told them. They said the same thing! Ain't no man gonna put up with that.
Me: Then I wouldn't consider that a man; I would consider that a boy!
Him: We're two different people!
*He disconnects the call*

I was FLOORED!
Did this dude just hang up in my face because I disagreed?!
HOW CHILDISH!
He said he WASN'T saying she didn't have a right but that's EXACTLY what he was saying!
Well,  of COURSE we're two different people!
Men are from Mars,  women are from Venus but that doesn't negate the fact that you just said a woman,  especially a woman with children,  doesn't have a right to choose what she does with her body as long as man has a problem with it!
I am not a feminist,  however,THAT was total bullshit! 
This woman's value,  respectability and moral choices are being disregarded by the fact that she has four children.
That spoke VOLUMES for his character!
Women agreeing with him spoke volumes with how single Black women are viewing their worth also.
It shouldn't be a woman alive that would agree with that statement.
Then again, this is a rape culture we're living in.
Lack of respect for women's choices NOT to have sex start SOMEWHERE!
I'm NEVER going to agree with some chauvinist rhetoric like he was spewing!
Ever!
Not to be agreeable so I can have a man,  to side with him to get on his good side or to appear submissive.
That's simply NOT the way to go about it!
I don't mind being alone if that's what will have to put up with!
I don't know why it's okay to say these things and treat women this way for some men but it's NOT right!
I just know that when I put in my prayer  request to God for a soul mate, the things I have been enduring surely aren't on that list!
Respect for me as a woman,  a Black woman and a Black woman who is a single mother is at the very top of my list!
Respect, humility, being considerate and appreciation for me are top factors in my choice of a mate.
I have surely been met with disrespect,  cockiness and taking FULL advantage of my feelings (for them and in general)  since I reentered the dating world.
I definitely have NOT met my soul mate!
I imagine,  no,  I KNOW, many of my counterparts have not either.
These are GREAT women who require more and definitely DESERVE more.
Women, who like myself, desire to date and marry Black men (no shade to the sistahs that don't),  but can't even get respected by them!
I hope to see a change in the way we're treated because my faith in how society as a whole treats us is shaky, but the brothas aren't very reassuring that society is completely WRONG!

Maybe labeling us bitter isn't the best thing to do and it's FAR from fair!
We have been let down by our men and looked down upon by others for CENTURIES, yet we remain intelligent, loyal, patient, understanding and resilient!
We deserve a lot more credit than we are given and the MAIN people that should be holding us down our the brothas!
Period, point, blank!
WE AREN'T BITTER!  WE'RE JUST DISAPPOINTED! 

Coming to My Senses

So just the other day I was talking to my best friend about lack of communication from guys that we date. I was telling her that they don't realize how much time they give us to think when they disappear and don't reach out to us for days. Trust me, we have a lot of time to process things!

Now, you are probably saying that it also gives us time to over analyze things as well, and this is true. 

However, if the lines of communication were open, we would have a crystal clear picture of how the guy feels, what he's thinking and won't be left guessing.

The time that the guy disappears also gives us time to come to our senses.

We know that nothing short of bodily injury, and sometimes even that, will keep a man from contacting a woman he is truly interested in. 

There aren't enough blogs,  vlogs, and everything in between, from men themselves, verifying that. 

But damn all that; it's clear!

It's not rocket science,  chemistry or geometry. It's rather simple; when he wants to be in touch with you he will! 

Now, ladies,  a lot of you are guilty of letting them get missing and then going for their excuses when they pop back up.

I am guilty of this. 

There comes a time on your life,  when you reach a certain age,  where that's not acceptable.

I'm 42. I don't date ANYONE who is not fully aware that communication is key in any developing or developed relationship. Whether they take heed to that determines if they are allowed to stay in my space.

I don't care how much I like you,  if you make excuse after excuse for not communicating, I am gone. 

The thing about that is, you're communicating with SOMEONE,  it's just not me!

I'm cool with not being "the one". I'm not cool with a man not being 100 about me not being the one! 

Building up false ass hope with sporadic texts doesn't work for very long. As I stated, we come to our senses in your absence. 

I'm not perfect  but I'm a dope ass chick.

You're probably saying, "If you're so dope,  why are you single?"

Honestly, I wish I knew. 

You can gather by my past blogs though,  I haven't met any stellar gentleman that I ran off with my bluntness and my straight forward, Aries personality. I just haven't met any stellar gentlemen AT ALL! 

I have faith that they are still out there so I keep trying.  

I need to branch out in where I am meeting them however (clearly,  online dating is a huge failure).

I am on Meet Up but as confident and outgoing as I am,  I haven't mustered up the courage to go to one. I have valid excuses at the moment (a wrecked car and an injured right leg are pretty good reasons). 

My recent car accident and injury knocked some sense into me about the men in my midst. When times like this are upon you,  you see who is there for you when you need them mentally, emotionally and physically. 

No excuse will validate someone not at least communicating to see if you're still breathing at a time like that! 

I was literally run over by my car and when I tell you not one man in my midst was there for me mentally,  emotionally or phsycially, I do not exaggerate!

I was off for a week and could barely walk and I was isolated and alone. Oh,  add to that,  I don't have a legally driveable car so THAT was when I needed the most help I EVER needed. 

It gave me time to think,  it gave me time to process and it have me time to reevaluate.

Why isn't anyone calling to ask how I really feel?  Do they realize I could have died? Do they realize I'm shaken to my core? Do they realize how painful it is for a 2 ton vehicle to run over your body? Do they realize I just lost my ONLY means of transportation and I have a kid I am a single mom to?

Do they realize how expensive Uber and car rentals are? 

So many question went through my mind. 

While it's not their responsiblity, it's mine, there is also knowing that when someone cares about you,  they help when they can. Rather that be mentally,  emotionally,  financially or physically,  they do what they can because they care and they want you to know it beyond a shadow of a doubt.

It opened up so many revelations for me. I just saw the truth for what it is even though I asked for the truth straight out. 

It put so many things into perspective for me.

I realized that I had clouded vision, I realized I wasn't thinking clearly and most importantly it made me come to my senses. 

Birthdays Was The Worst Days

I get excited and anxious when I realize my birthday is coming up. 
I don't know what I am doing this year. I have several options and that makes me giddy. I am anxious because I still REALLY miss my mom and she will no longer be here to celebrate with me in the flesh. 
So my birthday is an emotional time for me because frankly, I'm still grieving.
However, I am blessed that God saw fit for me to be here, alive and well, so sadness can't overtake that!
This post is about my worst birthday experience to date.
Last year was my first birthday without my mom and it was horrible. I usually spend it with my loved ones but I had someone say they were making some plans for me to get away and relax and it wasn't true. Unfortunately, I prematurely thought they were a loved one.
My mom ALWAYS made big deals out of our birthdays. So you can imagine I was hurt and disappointed when I went nowhere and did nothing.
My friends and family had all been asking me what I wanted to do and I told them that I had a nice room reserved for me and was getting a staycation.
I got attitude, rudeness and disrespected and then not so politely asked to leave because they weren't mentally ready to have their space invaded.
Mind you, I did NOT ask to invade their space! They offered and had me pick a nice room at a nice hotel. However, when I got to their place, they announced we were going NO PLACE! 
I tell you I didn't even have a McDonald's Happy Meal waiting for me! I BOUGHT FOOD FOR US BOTH!
So, they got a good meal a good lay, proceeded to pick arguments that left me in tears and basically told me I had to go. 
Luckily, a good friend bought me dinner and a bottle and cheered me up when they found out what happened. They did it without question or expectations. As it should be. 
Let me say that the offending party apologized...if you can call it that. It was more of a I-wish-she-would-just-shut-the-f***-up-already apology. It wasn't real or heartfelt. Honestly, I wonder if the way I was treated was more of a, "Well, it happened to me so, oh well." Kind of thing. They say hurt people hurt people.
Most of us don't share birthdays with others with our family/friends. It's OUR day! So, of course, we enjoy the extra attention! It only happens once a year!
Even if you do something by yourself every year, CELEBRATE living to see another one even if no one else cares! Do it for you! Don't let someone dictate how YOUR day should go!
Never spend YOUR day being hurt, in tears or filled with any negativity. And that goes for EVERY DAY in life as well.
Go out and do something you always wanted to, pamper yourself, buy that new pair of shoes you wanted...DO YOU!
Yolo so make the most of it!

Can You Be More Specific?

*Names have been omitted because we don't BOTH need to be douches*

Let me start off by saying,  I DON'T think I am everyone's cup of tea. That's not realistic to think I would be. However, if you give a description of what you like (of course, this is in reference to online/blind dating)  and I fit that description, of COURSE I will think we may be compatible!  What person in their right mind wouldn't? Notice I said might. I say might because there are so many variables to our personalities, we can't assume a base make up of us can give way to the complexities of us. Again, it's not realistic.

If we're talking and connecting and then you describe what you want, that person...okay, I, will no doubt think I have a shot in the dark.

Clearly, there is much more than what is being said. People are afraid to look shallow by stating exactly what they want. The catch to that is, you appear even MORE shallow when you blow them off after getting a picture or by not responding AT ALL! 

There are a few things wrong in that equation and not being specific enough can cause a problem.

Point and case, the conversation I saved from above happened a while back (disregard the three days ago) and I knew I would want to address it so I saved it. You all know by now my blog postings are random and my busy life (and Aries procrastinating)  don't allow me to post as often as I should. 

I digress. The gentleman above described me (well, what he wanted which IS me!) and asked for pictures. I, not being shy when I am comfortable enough, will share face and body pictures. I am not trying to hide or have anyone be surprised by me being a BBW. I sent the pics as requested. I am still waiting for a response (No, I'm not really, but you understand my sarcasm).

Over the years I have discovered when using the term BBW, there's levels to this shit. I, to this day don't get it, but I get it. I have been called: thick, fat, phat, BBW, super sized BBW (to me that's stupid because I am a big, beautiful woman period. And I guess that's some man's way of saying, "She's not a size 12 like the BBW models, she's more like a size 18, homie!). I just know I am big, I am beautiful and very much a woman. When you say, "Not into skinny women." The opposite of that is fat! My headshots don't even look like I am anything less than fat so I don't Catfish with headshots like they claim BBWs do. I look like a BBW! However, you won't get Jill Scott BBW, I am more Mo'Nique when she was on the Parker's BBW. If you meant Jill and get something else, IT COULD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED HAD YOU BEEN MORE SPECIFIC! Women turn down men we are not attracted to, politely, DAILY!  

I won't ever go in on a dude for that. Ever. I won't hold a grudge or cry about it. I DO feel some type of way about him not ever replying though. It's just...RUDE!

I am not the average sized woman. That's no secret. Me being smart, ladylike, having my ducks in a row AND attractive isn't either! I AM someone you can take home to momma. Even with odds against me for being a single mother, I am a catch.

I am smart, witty, confident, self-sufficent, black and I am NOT skinny ..if that's what you're actually into and not just saying you are.

I am not for closeted BBW lovers. I won't be a secret, be hidden from your friends and family or be the side chick. I won't be punished emotionally or abused mentally for being a BBW. If you are uncomfortable being seen with me, I promise you will never have to. I'll ensure you won't ever see me again. I am fine with that. C'est la vie!

You might win some but you just lost one...

Brewing Over Brewer!

Jan Brewer is quite a BALLSY bitch! Yeah, I said it and yeah, I MEAN IT! She has SOME nerve to stick her decrepit finger in President Barack Obama's FACE over him disagreeing with her racist stance on Arizona's immigration laws! I had all this to say to her on Twitter! It musta been about 15 tweets! Damn those 140 characters! I urge EVERYONE who disagrees with her behavior to Tweet her, email her, call her office and write her! I am doing all of the above! After my letter to her I posted her info! WE CANNOT LET YET ANOTHER RACIST DISRESPECT PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA! WE HAVE TO TAKE A STAND AS AMERICAN AND AFRICAN-AMERICANS!

My letter to Jan Brewer:

I am so glad I found you on Twitter because I have QUITE a few things to say to you! You are one disrespectful person! Its QUITEquite obvious you don't have an OUNCE of patriostism because of the way you can so very blatantly speak to our nation's president! You don't speak to him that way because you nedd to ALWAYS SHOW RESPECT! HOW DARE YOU!? Apparently, he struck a nerve when he talked about your RACIST stance on immigration! But the truth hurts doesn't it? Your behavior shouldn't be shocking considering you're the governor of a state that doesn't think Martin Luther King Jr. & his achievements should be celebrated! You've a whole lot to learn about what a respectable citizen of THIS country, a country made up of MANY races/nationalities, is all about! Its about EQUALITY; but I guess unless someone is cleaning your house or mowing your lawn, they aren't worthy! You need to remember that more than just white faces voted for you as a governor! How QUICKLY we forget when we get where we want to be in life. The same people you are stepping on & disrespecting now, WILL be the SAME ones you need again! REMEMBER THAT! You need to apologize because you were OUT OF LINE and you KNOW it! If you're as smart as you proclaim to be, you should have well figured that out by NOW! Expressing anger by a person of intellect is not done through yelling & finger pointing so you just showed us that a person of intellect, YOU ARE NOT! Get some PROFESSIONALISM, dignity & tact! Thanks for showing your true colors YET again! I hope people of color show you theirs when you need them again!

Mailing Address

• Please use mailing address for all correspondence or requests for assistance.
  The Honorable Janice K. Brewer
  Arizona Governor
  Executive Tower
  1700 West Washington Street
  Phoenix, AZ 85007

 Office Locations

• Arizona State Capitol ComplexGovernor's Office
  Executive Tower
  1700 West Washington Street
  Phoenix, AZ 85007

• Arizona State Office Complex - Tucson
  Governor’s Office
  400 West Congress
  Suite 504
  Tucson, AZ 85701

 Phone Numbers

• Phoenix Office:
  Tucson Office:
  Fax Number:
  In-State Toll Free:

(602) 542-4331
(520) 628-6580
(602) 542-1381
1-800-253-0883 (outside Maricopa County only)