He's Just Not That Into Me

*sigh* I am new to the Atlanta area and just getting back into the dating scene. It's a much bigger city than the Podunk town I have lived in for the past five years. So naturally,  I assumed the dating scene had to be better.

I turned to online dating because I am not sure where I can go socially and haven't truly been ready to hit the club scene. I really don't want too so that's an added factor as well. I would much rather have some conversations, feel him out, meet for coffee (well, hot cocoa for me) and go from there. It's more personal and more intimate. 

I tried this app called Tinder.

This app is awesome. It lets you filter out the people in your area and you can go from there. You can like/view them anonymously and if it's a mutal match, it let's you know and drops an reminder in your inbox. If they aren't feeling you, you don't ever know it. 

It saves you the humiliating experience of drooling over someone, they know it or ignore you, and you are feeling embarrassed when they don't dig you. You don't have to fake like you like them either. You can lament in silence when you click like and there's no mutual attraction because they have NO IDEA you liked them. 

Ohhhh, that glorious mutal match is an awesome thing. I was mutually matched to said musician. Finally, I was having some luck! 

He's a cool dude. He's a musician, he's attractive, and he has a great personality. It seems we had a great connection. All was cool until we decided to meet  .

You think that when you reached that point, it's all uphill from there. You get to actually see and smell (nothing besides the smell of babies and your momma can top a good smelling man) this wonderful individual and....NOTHING!

I was stood up two nights in a row. 

One night being stood up was rehearsal and I understood it. My issue was me having to call HIM to find out what thee hell happened! He saw no issues with not contacting me and giving me the courtesy of knowing he wasn't going to meet me. So, we got past that and decided to go for the next day.

Saturday arrives, babysitters are in place, he's done with his event and all is cool. It's 10 p.m.. It's a little late for my taste but I was being flexible.

The following takes place between 10:00 and 11:45 p.m.

Him: Hey hun im just leaving (city 20 minutes away)

Me: Okay..so you still wanna meet of what? (Excuse the typos but despite them, I gave him an out early in the conversation just in case he was planning to stand me up again. He could have taken it then but that would make too much sense)

Him: I gotta drop off 2 pple first

Me: Okay...I am going to shower.

Him: Hurry (my redflag should have gone up here but I was smiling thinking he was as excited to finally see me as I was him..WRONG!)

Him: Where do u want to meet

Me: I have no idea but its gonna be at least halfway or you come this way

Me: You know I am nnot real familiar

Him: I cant be gone to long....by me having to have this album done in 2 wks im recording every day and night ....but i wanted 2 take a few mins for us 2 meet (Ummm...whet? This was NEVER once mentioned. Mind you, he was supposed to have made time for me finally in his "uber busy" schedule. So why the hell are you springing this on me at the last minute? That's pretty inconsiderate.)

Me: So you have stuff to do tonight?

Him: In about an hour

Me: Music Man, you can't be serious...

Him: Babe i am (cuz Babe always softens the blow of, "I really didn't set aside the time for you. I just said I did so I could appease you at that moment)

Despite my intuition screaming at me to cancel, put my foot down and not accept sub par treatment for our first meeting because it will set the tone for every single time after, I tried to remain flexible and still decided to meet him.

Me: There's a Starbucks on (insert city ten minutes from you so you get the idea of what I mean) ...meet me there (At this point,  if I was limited to an hour I would be damned if I was driving far to see him. Fuck that!)

Him: I live 45 minutes from (city closer to you since I have already inconvenienced you)

Me: Okay..so. basically you want me to come that way for an hour or less in the dark knowing IDK where I am headed?

Me: How about we drive towards a middle point. IDK what it where that is though. 

Me: I wasn't kidding when I said I had not been out exploring

Mind you ten and fifteen minutes go by and he's not replying so I called.

Me: I just called you ...no answer

Him: Hey hun my phone didnt ring

(I called back...twice...no answer...)

Me: I just called you AGAIN

(I call two more times in yet another 15 minute interval. By now this phone goes straignt to voicemail.)

Me: Call me then

Me: That doesn't make sense to keep making me call you back to not get an answer

(I don't know what kind of game was going on at this point but he's not calling back and taking 10 and 15 minutes to reply to texts. By now it's 11:15!)

Him: Babe r you near (a city about 15 minutes from me)

(this text came in so randomly and at almost 11:30!)

Me: Close enough but you need to call me...

He did not call. He did not text. Not that night again. And not the next day or night either. Today, Monday, rolls around and I sent HIM a message. It was the regular good morning text and asking how he was and when. He started texting small talk I said this:

Look, I am not really one for small talk so I'll just cut right to it. IDK what happened Saturday but if you're not interested it's cool, Music Man, just tell me that so I won't waste time trying to get to know you.

Very straight up and to the point

He didn't reply but used the excuse he was driving and would hit me back.

So hours later, I called him, because it's normal for us to talk during the day with us both being home. Hell, we even started Skyping every day! I could not get him on the phone...again...

Apparently, that warm fuzzy feeling I was having was far from mutual and I didn't see it. 

It's not like I was writing his last name behind mine, planning weddings, or naming our kids. I liked him and liking someone feels great! An even greater feeling is when they actually like you too. Apparently, someone or something was causing me to be sent to voicemail, ignored and blown off. Personally, I don't care who or what. My only concern is that he doesn't like me. Everything and everyone else in the equation is irrelevant.  

When a man is into you,  you will never have to question it. It will be blatantly obvious. Nothing, and I do mean NOTHING, will stop him from seeing you or communicating with you. It's men in prison for life that risk being in solitary confinement for extended periods of times, to call a woman from an illegal cell. You can't tell me a man in the free world can't make time. I'd have to be some type of fool to believe that.

There is always a window of opportunity in which you hope that guy will come to his senses and realize he shouldn't have dropped you because you are a catch. However, that only happens in the movies. I guess that's why I hate romance movies. I am never the girl that gets the guy. 

You win some, you lose some. Sometimes, he just not that into you.

I'mma 3-0-5 Peach!

I'm a 3-0-5 Peach now!: http://youtu.be/uEnAEQnESVg

Lifting Burdens, Finding Clarity and Speaking my Peace

"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you."
Dr. Maya Angelou

I need to gain clarity. I am so homesick! Back in South Florida I would jump in my car, drive East and ride along the beach with my windows down while deep in thought. But for now all I have are these words and I have some stuff to get off my chest.

I am just not myself. I am going though the motions and sensitive to everything. I have a lot on my plate but I am barely eating. I have to figure out so many things I have no answers to, all while I have a young child in tow. However, I don't miss a beat, even with all that going on. So when I feel something is amiss, I separate myself from that situation and those people.

Aside from my family and those I consider family, anyone else bringing me untruths, confusion, playing on my intelligence, disregarding what I am going through and being selfish, I have NOTHING for you!
I am not entertaining you or your madness, for I have enough of my own.
I am not listening to or focusing on you if you ignore me and disregard what I am feeling.
If you're shoruded in secrecy, I definitely don't trust you as far as I can see you and I don't trust you then. I can't be an open book to you and I can't even read your preface.
Indecisiveness is not something I do. I don't straddle fences by any means. I always know exactly what I want and need and I state it. I don't say anything I don't mean. If I said it I meant it. I don't talk to hear myself talk and I don't say what sounds good just because it sounds good.

Right now, NONE of your issues trump mine unless you just lost your mother so I don't have the energy to devote to you feeling sorry for yourself. If you can't understand that great of a loss for me and push aside your woe-is-me sob stories for ONCE in your life, then you don't have any business in my life. You have a chance to fix these issues but you opt not to by making excuses, you shuck your responsibility and think you deserve to be blessed, you make empty promises and you are not a person whose words are their bond. 

And for that, you aren't allowed to cloud my aura with your dark presence. I simply won't stand for it. I can put up with a LOT of things but I have boundaries. When every adjective I can think of for you is negative.. You..gotta..GO!
If you're family or a friend you wouldn't bring any of that to me anyway.

Since, driving to the beach is not an option, I will rely on what I did before I took my long drives, and that was prayer. 

Some of you have some serious demons and don't realize it. Hell, dare I say it, some of you ARE demons. Sure you go to church, bible study and pray, but you aren't praying for the things that carry you through life to death. For example it never occurred to you to ask for love, a soulmate, and your own family. You're asking for the here and now and not wise enough to see that God doesn't mind you asking for more as long as it's on accordance to what the Bible says.

I guess you can challenge me and say I don't to church and you do, but so does the Devil. Marinate on that...I might not go to church every Sunday but I will implore you to tell me I am wrong about that. Then explain in detail why I am wrong. I promise you, you would lose that battle.

I have my daughter to think of. And she's NOT going to be hurt by seeing me hurt. I had to try to lie to my child and cover up what was happening that was causing me emotional pain or try to explain to her that something she was excited about for us both, isn't going to happen in our lives.
And she was confused and I saw it in her face. I drew a line in the sand and it was crossed the moment she didn't get what was happening. And I almost lost my cool in front of her. I knew then I had enough!
Getting my hopes up is one thing but when that crosses over to my child, you're asking for a war you are not prepared to fight. You will see a side of me unlike ever before. Everything even remotely nice and understanding about me is over where she's involved. I simply won't stand for it from her blood or otherwise. That I will never compromise on.

I don't have anything left to say right now. I am numb but I still feel a barrage of emotions so great it overwhelms me. But at least how I feel is clear and concise and no one is confused or left to wonder. I laid it all on the table.. I simply said it.

Just like most things in life, these feelings are subject to change without any notice. I an human and human emotions ate never set in stone. But as it stands for now...this is what it is.

And until I see change there will be none from me. Idle threats and empty promises aren't my style but being 100% authentic and standing  by my word are. And I mean every single syllable. I regret nothing  and I take nothing back.

The late great Dr. Maya Angelou said something so profound that it has opened my eyes time and time again when I face situations like this. I look to that statement as I leave you with it.

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." - Dr. Maya Angelou

I Really Love My Momma

She's my favorite girl! She was sweet, kind, endearing, sentimental, honest, caring, nurturing, a great cook, hospitable, Godfearing, and the best mother anyone could ask for. She was a great wife, mother, homemaker, sister, Aunt and cousin. You couldn't ask for better! We sent her off beautifully. Too bad some of the people she was kindest to weren't there to join in her homegoing celebration.
And her dying showed me a lot about people. It was people closest to her that didn't come to see her off and I am angry. I know people can't drop everything and life goes on. Some had valid reasons, others had no valid reason to me. If you're sick, injured, had a major life event (marriage, graduation, a birth) or one of your family members was, I get it. But my momma was a beautiful lady who was selfless and the best friend anyone could ask for. That wasn't based on convenience, that was from her heart. So, that should have been returned to her in death as well. I am not firing shots, my momma wouldn't want that, but my momma knows I don't bite my tongue and I am gonna keep it 100. I learned that by watching her be honest my entire life. But that's not my cross to bear, I will let that be theirs.
I appreciated those who went out of their way. She would have done the same. I can't thank them enough. They were Godsends in our greatest time of need. And I won't forget the good they did and continue to do.
My mother's passing showed me a lot about people close to me outside my family and I see things a lot clearer than before. It puts things into perspective for me. And it makes me take off my blinders, take people off pedestals and rethink my strategy. I know the woman my mother taught me I should be to make a good woman. That I am, and if it's not reciprocal, then it's time to let the chips fall where they may. It is what it is.
My mother's demise is going to make me grind harder, strive to be a better mother, finish these degrees and stick to my pursuit of my dreams. To be like her would be an honor.
I had my differences with her at times but never fell out with her. We didn't see eye to eye on everything but parents and adult children often don't. But at the end of the day, I loved that lady and that lady loved me. And it showed to the end. As sick and weak as she was near her last days, she stood and gave me the biggest hug and I needed that. I really needed that from her. She must have sensed it. I am glad she was able to before she passed. I will always carry that with me as I will carry all the life lessons she taught me. She was my comforter, my best friend, my idol and my role model. She was my mom for my 40 (she deserved 40 times as many years) years on Earth but will forever be my mom in Heaven.
Sleep in peace my Angel, Mrs. Neta Bertha Bell Scruggs, you will be forever loved and forever missed!

President Barack Obama Speaks On Trayvon Martin Trail Aftermath

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