I'm Not Bitter, I'm Mad as Hell!

I don’t want anybody calling me bitter because I’m frustrated and fed up.
PERIOD!
Everybody can get mad at some point in their life.
Just because I’m a black woman, and unapologetically so, does not mean you get to call me bitter.
To my sistahs: You don’t have to hold in everything you feel to appease anybody. I am a firm believer in expression and I always will be.
Everybody in this world can express emotion like hurt, disappointment, sadness , and anger with no judgement or consequence, except the black woman and it’s unfair.
We are the most unloved, unurtured, uncared for, disrespected people on the entire planet.
Nope, I don’t want to talk about it all the time.
We don’t always seek attention either.
I just want to be mad sometimes and be left in my peace to be mad.
I just felt like this still needed to be said.
I know somewhere someone feels JUST like this and is holding it in so they don’t look like an angry, black woman but fuck that; judge me all you want but guess who stopped caring?
I’ll always be good though because, well, I am a black woman after all.
If nothing else they say about us is true, we always recover!
#readjustingmycrown 👑
#vibratinghigher
#MishysMusings
#rarein360 (at Lithonia, Georgia)
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Fetishizing sucks, Suckas!

The Dents In My Crown

I always seem to dig the inspirational pics floating around

that tell I should remember to always wear my crown

it just seems to me that somewhere in the dark

Is someone meaning me no good and trying to steal my spark

When he comes to light, your guts says not let him in

cuz you think that you're judging this one, for that one's past sin

I ignore my instincts and the waves in my gut

and chalk it up to nerves or maybe even lust

I forgot  my worth

traded my stock in for hurt

accepted far less than I should

cuz just maybe he's some good

Potential means nothing if he doesn't live up to it

waiting for him to make a change but I already knew it

was never gonna happen he just kept taking and taking

He shoulda had an S on HIS chest so why am I doing the caping?

I accept them with chinks in their armor

Hand over my heart without thinking how much they going to harm her

Nurturing by nature

Never organically trained to hate yah

I have jewels of wisdom but my crown is missing a few

Said to myself, to thine own self, be true

Trying to lead with your heart, girl, but where's the man to lead you?

Following blindly in hopes I won't be left at confused

I've hidden my regal stature and downplayed what I need

While feeding into his desires,  selfishness, and greed

I never fail to give my all

He never deems to catch me when I start to fall

I don't listen to instinct,  even when I know what's right

I feel like I'll fail him by giving up the fight

But like I'm sparring with someone to give my love and affection

It should never be a war to form that connection

we never look up, open our eyes and look around

we end up settling for less and putting dents in our crown

I feel like I'm following the same endless trail

That leads to broken hearts and relationships that fail

I just want the effort I give to be given in return

That's a blessing I know I long ago earned 

I just have to touch my crown some days to make sure it's even there

I feel like it fell off completely back there

Where is back there when you don't know where you were?

When everything you thought you were clear about is suddenly a blur

You doubt your every fiber, you can't be sure what you're doing wrong

You're left in the wake of hurt, anger, and frustration while your violators move right along

I am so weary of the way my intuition

Screams and yells when it's not right that often I don't listen

I am so ready to feel that stir in my spirit

That unmistakable message that's he's my soul mate, I pray soon, I hear it

I know my prayers never fall on deaf ears

I have to learn patience  and learn to find me

I love who I am inside and out, and do so unconditionally

I second guess myself based on excuses from those most undeserving

I know who I am and what I offer, self-doubt for me is not purposed serving

It's so easy to believe what others say is our fault when they are flawed as ever

with those kinds of poisonous people, my ties will be severed

It's not a case of forgetting who I was because that won't change for anyone

it's remembering my value that came a little undone

Feelings of inadequacy overpowered my good sense

Wondering if I measured up, shattered my confidence

Feeling I needed closure on an open and shut case

When everything I needed to move forward was right in my face 

It's nothing I needed to see and nothing I needed to have confirmed

Just that I needed to take gems for my crown in those lessons learned

The strength I had before didn't weaken over time

I'm still resilient and full of energy and I'll be just fine

So it's time for me to look up, open my eyes and look around

I will never again settle for less and fix these dents in my crown

Thinking Back, Looking Ahead: 2017 Year End Review

Basically, this last blog of 2017 will be the list of things I feel I learned or grew from.

My life is serene but serenity doesn't mean nothing is going on nor does it mean my life is fulfilled.

I am content but in the New Year, I plan to get all out of my comfort zone.

I have been in my safe place for far too long.

For now, I will go over some of the things that made my 2017 what it was.

• First, I lost 105 pounds! - After my Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy, I shed 105. I had to change my eating by force and I worked out. I did well! If I never lose another pound, I will be content. I lost a significant amount of weight and I am happy! I DEFINITELY plan to continue on this journey in life from 2018 and beyond!
• God is Good - All the time; all the time God is good! I found a new church home! I love it! It gives me a sense of peace and I actually LOVE going! It took me a long time to get back in touch with God and I am glad I did! I know my momma is smiling down on me!
• One Hot Momma - I am still parenting alone. Yes, the door of co-parenting is wide open but I cannot MAKE anyone do anything that is not in their heart. Anyone can say they love a child but if you are not building bonds with that child and making sure that child needs are met emotionally, mentally, physically and financially, your love is conditional. I love my child unconditionally! Period! 
• I started dating again - I am taking my time. I have not met anybody significant, Hell, I haven't even been on a date!  A LOT of these dudes in Atlanta play too many games. However, I know I asked God for a soulmate and I have NO DOUBT he will deliver. I was specific in my prayers and I am working on being the perfect soulmate for him, whoever he may be. I will NOT lower my standards, I will NOT settle and nothing anyone says will EVER make me question my worth SIMPLY because I am single. It's far too many people who think it's okay to bash a woman for it, act like everything she is discontent about reverts back to her singleness and that her main focus is getting a man. That's ignorance and narrow-mindedness and it REALLY HAS TO STOP! Who God has for me is for me and when he sends him, I will know!
• Work, Werk, Wurq, Wurk - I decided to make a career out of my job. This means I am looking to move around the company and I found a home there. I am pursuing higher positions and perfecting my current skill set to be able to advance easily.
• Moving Mountains - Someone told me that if they were me they would be in a panic because I am not making the money THEY feel I should.. Funny, they make a lot but it seems they have nothing to show for it. I am not going to panic when I have plans set in motion to advance. I will NOT panic when I trust in God and put it in his hands. He has taken seen me through the worst (losing my momma was the worst thing I ever felt!) and I came out UNSCATHED! I trust His will and no matter whatever else I go through I KNOW GOD GOT ME!

So in a short nutshell, that was my 2017! I am sure I missed a few things but those were THEE most significant things I learned and grew from. Life is a road and I plan to travel down that road as I please, how I please and at the pace I please! 

Happy New Year! #2018andbeyond

Why You Gotta be so Insecure?

I discuss insecurity when dating, throw a lil' shade and talk about this dudes' misogynistic and chauvinistic behavior when talking to me!

Swapping Adjectives

All too often when a woman,  especially a Black woman,  expresses her discontent with something,  we are saddled with the word bitter.
This is especially true of unwed, single mothers in my age group.
It's like we aren't free to express our dissatisfaction with ANYTHING or ANYONE,  especially the brothas,  without wearing that label.
That is an ill-conceived notion.
I honestly don't know a group of women who have had a tougher time in life than the Black woman.
That's nor to discredit white women and other women of color.
That's NOT what I'm saying by any means.
I can't speak on any other experiences other than that of a Black woman because that's what I am.
However,  I do know what I see.
One stark example that we're STILL NOT considered equal would be the fact that we're THEE MOST educated group yet if our resume has a name like Tamisha versus Jennifer (yes, I know several Black Jennifers),  guess who's more than likely getting called back first,  despite the résumé's content?
I've seen positions I qualified for be filled by white women with nothing going on upstairs when I wasn't even interviewed.
No,  I'm NOT paranoid;  this is STILL happening to this day!
However,  that's one example and honestly it's NOT what prompts people to call us bitter.
You know what does prompt that?;  Our relationship status.
Yes,  our relationship status has been the center of a LOT of disrespect to Black women.
Especially women over a certain age.
Especially Black women of a certain age who are single mothers.
There's an ENTIRE YouTube channel run by a Black male COMPLETELY focused on his disdain for Black women, but ESPECIALLY single mothers.
He has a huge following and sad to say they are mostly bitter Black men who are just as jaded as he is.
It is tough to see that much hatred of us from our own as much as we hold them down.
It's a slap in the face.
It turns out he had a kid he wasn't taking care of all this time,  he produced out of wedlock AND was on child support for!
Go fucking figure!
Yesterday,  I was talking to a 42 year old man (you'll see why I mentioned his age later).
We had been having phone conversations and texting when we couldn't talk.
We were really building a good rapport.
Or so I thought.
Anyway,  we're conversing and he said,  and I quote, "I was talking to this woman with four kids who had the nerve to say that she was going to wait on marriage before she had sex again. I told her ain't no man gone out up with that!"
I was taken aback by the boldness in his statement!
So naturally,  I questioned the validity of his statement.
What the Hell does he mean she had "the nerve"?
What was wrong with what she said?  So the conversation proceeded like this:

Me: Well,  why can't she choose what she wants to do with her body?
Him: Because she has FOUR kids!  Ain't no man gone put up with that!
Me: So wait,  because she has four kids she can't choose not to have sex outside of marriage now?
Him: That's not what I'm saying but she has four kids so that means it could have been four,  three or maybe even one man but she has FOUR kids.
Me: So the amount of kids she has determines if she can change her ways and morals, if we're assuming she has bad ways and no morals, and decide to wait for marriage before having sex again?
Him: I'm not saying that. I'm just saying no man is going to put up with that.
Me: Then explain it because you are basically saying she doesn't have a right to make that decision because she has four kids!
Him: That's not what I'm saying but ain't no man gonna put up with that!  A lot of other women agreed with me when I told them. They said the same thing! Ain't no man gonna put up with that.
Me: Then I wouldn't consider that a man; I would consider that a boy!
Him: We're two different people!
*He disconnects the call*

I was FLOORED!
Did this dude just hang up in my face because I disagreed?!
HOW CHILDISH!
He said he WASN'T saying she didn't have a right but that's EXACTLY what he was saying!
Well,  of COURSE we're two different people!
Men are from Mars,  women are from Venus but that doesn't negate the fact that you just said a woman,  especially a woman with children,  doesn't have a right to choose what she does with her body as long as man has a problem with it!
I am not a feminist,  however,THAT was total bullshit! 
This woman's value,  respectability and moral choices are being disregarded by the fact that she has four children.
That spoke VOLUMES for his character!
Women agreeing with him spoke volumes with how single Black women are viewing their worth also.
It shouldn't be a woman alive that would agree with that statement.
Then again, this is a rape culture we're living in.
Lack of respect for women's choices NOT to have sex start SOMEWHERE!
I'm NEVER going to agree with some chauvinist rhetoric like he was spewing!
Ever!
Not to be agreeable so I can have a man,  to side with him to get on his good side or to appear submissive.
That's simply NOT the way to go about it!
I don't mind being alone if that's what will have to put up with!
I don't know why it's okay to say these things and treat women this way for some men but it's NOT right!
I just know that when I put in my prayer  request to God for a soul mate, the things I have been enduring surely aren't on that list!
Respect for me as a woman,  a Black woman and a Black woman who is a single mother is at the very top of my list!
Respect, humility, being considerate and appreciation for me are top factors in my choice of a mate.
I have surely been met with disrespect,  cockiness and taking FULL advantage of my feelings (for them and in general)  since I reentered the dating world.
I definitely have NOT met my soul mate!
I imagine,  no,  I KNOW, many of my counterparts have not either.
These are GREAT women who require more and definitely DESERVE more.
Women, who like myself, desire to date and marry Black men (no shade to the sistahs that don't),  but can't even get respected by them!
I hope to see a change in the way we're treated because my faith in how society as a whole treats us is shaky, but the brothas aren't very reassuring that society is completely WRONG!

Maybe labeling us bitter isn't the best thing to do and it's FAR from fair!
We have been let down by our men and looked down upon by others for CENTURIES, yet we remain intelligent, loyal, patient, understanding and resilient!
We deserve a lot more credit than we are given and the MAIN people that should be holding us down our the brothas!
Period, point, blank!
WE AREN'T BITTER!  WE'RE JUST DISAPPOINTED!