YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!

I'm not debating w/ single mothers saying they are the mother & father today! I'm a single mother & so are you! Stop being bitter and proclaiming both titles because you are doing it alone!

You are NOT alone!

I sympathize with you, I really do, however, I DID have my father growing up and I do NOT nurture my daughter the same way he did me.

I can teach her some of the things he taught me but not EVERYTHING! I'm okay with that but it took a long time to be okay with that.

Her father is in the picture when he chooses to be and I saw right away he knew nothing about being a dad but didn't try to break the cycle in his life.

Revel in the fact that you're an EXCELLENT mother and you are STILL going to raise a productive human being who is going to add value to this world , whether the father is there or not. You're doing it as a woman and instilling strength in them that can't be undone!

You don't have to prove anything to anyone but your child, and I am sure they are proud of you, mom!

YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!

Be glad you aren't, it's a harder job than you think!

All She Ever Wanted Was a Real One

Can I be frank for a moment?

I do not like Atlanta. 
Yeah, I live here but let me just say this is not the "mecca" they claim it is! The majority of Black people here do NOT help each other! They look out for whoever they think can further them but God forbid they help someone reach a higher level out of the kindness of their heart! We'll NEVER get ahead as a people like this! EVER!

I am disappointed by this.

Some of the white ones look down on "us" way too much to be so cocky. It's 2016! I grew up with more, knowing more and exposed to more than half of them. I am educated and well spoken as were/are my parents. I am NOT a dumb Negro! I am African-American and I am a threat but not physically; my brain and mind-set tell my story. I am angered by this.

What I am really disheartened by is the dating scene!
The dating scene here in Atlanta has these dudes heads super swollen cuz they see quantity but aren't seeking quality.

They just see numbers and they lose it!

They feel a car, a decent job and their own place makes the a supreme catch.

Gtfoh, grown ass man, you're SUPPOSED to have that! That shit doesn't make you God's gift to women! You're doing shit normal men do! I am NOT impressed!

I am impressed by loyalty (this falls in line with honesty and monogamy), when they are family oriented, don't have fear of commitment, practise the three Ps: profess (professing to the world their love and devotion to me), protect (there should be no way a man I'm with should let anyone day or do anything foul to me. Considering, I don't want a thug nor do I ask for drama, cause drama or tolerate drama; if it comes my way it's unwarranted. I don't want a dude shrugging his shoulders and letting me know he could give two shits about my well being. I can't check a man the way another man can) and provide (this doesn't mean you have to pay my bills but possess the ability and willingness to do so. Nothing sucks worse than having a need and a man who puts his dick in you but can't put money in your hands when you really need it),  someone with a sense of adventure and a sense of humor, decent conversation, and who can encourage me in spirituality and marriage minded. THAT'S impressive to me!

My ass is phat/fat even though I am fat and my boobs are big. My stomach is flat when I lay down just like everyone else's (a BBW lover once told me he doesn't care about stomachs cuz they are all flat laying down. I thought it was hilarious but made perfectly logical sense. It never stopped me from gettin' busy!) so I don't have body image issues affecting my confidence. So I don't care about or worry about competing with all the video girl shaped chicks running around here (they aren't fairing much better BTW). I am feminine and fly. I smell pretty and look pretty.  You would think that counted for something but it doesn't seem to.

They also seem to think their above average sized phallus is enough. Well, I can tell you, it isn't! 

All they see is  the opportunity to prey on women, good women, and move on to the next victim.

I am nobody's victim! 
I won't ever accept  that and won't settle for it. I am almost 42, I'm not for the children's games. I don't have the patience for it in any capacity. 

I have not experienced this anywhere EXCEPT here!

That ratio of men to women here has these dudes thinking they have it made! 

They probably do but they should take into consideration that while Atlanta is big, at the same time it's rather small. Just like women come here, they can leave here. Women also talk. Even a nobody knows SOMEBODY!

And then there's ALWAYS white men (when I mentioned white people who are judging earlier, I did say SOME remember?)

Yeah, they not sleeping on us just cuz you are. They aren't MY cup of tea but never say never. That ratio works two ways. When shortages occur people find other resources.

I don't know what happened in this "black mecca" that they stopped being a king looking for a queen (ONE queen) and looking to have many wives (and they ain't hardly looking for marriage). 

I'm and old school chick with old school values. I will never accept these new fangled dating rules.

I deserve better and I require better.

I can see my time here in Atlanta coming to an end very soon. I have  things I am working on here first. Then I'm out!

I said the only thing that would keep me here is love. Not just any love either. The put-a-ring-on-it-two-and-a-half-kids-and-a-dog-white-picket-fence kinda love. If God has my soulmate looking for me, He better work fast because I am ret tah go! 

Until then I'll keep my toes dipped in the dating pool and put on my fuckboy blockers; it is certainly no shortage of those!

If you're in the same pool, utilize your life preservers (prophylactics) and only trust the lifeguards (the true good guys and not the ones dressed up as good guys).

Birthdays Was The Worst Days

I get excited and anxious when I realize my birthday is coming up. 
I don't know what I am doing this year. I have several options and that makes me giddy. I am anxious because I still REALLY miss my mom and she will no longer be here to celebrate with me in the flesh. 
So my birthday is an emotional time for me because frankly, I'm still grieving.
However, I am blessed that God saw fit for me to be here, alive and well, so sadness can't overtake that!
This post is about my worst birthday experience to date.
Last year was my first birthday without my mom and it was horrible. I usually spend it with my loved ones but I had someone say they were making some plans for me to get away and relax and it wasn't true. Unfortunately, I prematurely thought they were a loved one.
My mom ALWAYS made big deals out of our birthdays. So you can imagine I was hurt and disappointed when I went nowhere and did nothing.
My friends and family had all been asking me what I wanted to do and I told them that I had a nice room reserved for me and was getting a staycation.
I got attitude, rudeness and disrespected and then not so politely asked to leave because they weren't mentally ready to have their space invaded.
Mind you, I did NOT ask to invade their space! They offered and had me pick a nice room at a nice hotel. However, when I got to their place, they announced we were going NO PLACE! 
I tell you I didn't even have a McDonald's Happy Meal waiting for me! I BOUGHT FOOD FOR US BOTH!
So, they got a good meal a good lay, proceeded to pick arguments that left me in tears and basically told me I had to go. 
Luckily, a good friend bought me dinner and a bottle and cheered me up when they found out what happened. They did it without question or expectations. As it should be. 
Let me say that the offending party apologized...if you can call it that. It was more of a I-wish-she-would-just-shut-the-f***-up-already apology. It wasn't real or heartfelt. Honestly, I wonder if the way I was treated was more of a, "Well, it happened to me so, oh well." Kind of thing. They say hurt people hurt people.
Most of us don't share birthdays with others with our family/friends. It's OUR day! So, of course, we enjoy the extra attention! It only happens once a year!
Even if you do something by yourself every year, CELEBRATE living to see another one even if no one else cares! Do it for you! Don't let someone dictate how YOUR day should go!
Never spend YOUR day being hurt, in tears or filled with any negativity. And that goes for EVERY DAY in life as well.
Go out and do something you always wanted to, pamper yourself, buy that new pair of shoes you wanted...DO YOU!
Yolo so make the most of it!

Just a Quick Note

One of my good guy friends, that I talk to about everything, told me to read this book. I don't want to Think like a Man. I am a woman. I was raised with my married parents and saw how a woman should be treated and how a woman should treat her man. He explained, I saw AFTER the courtship. I came along AFTER my dad courted and married my mom. I need to learn about the process before and not just by what my parents taught me about how a man should treat me. I need to look at it through more than one view.
So, I am reading this. I read for entertainment and I read to learn/gain information. I am reading this one to learn.
Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, Expanded Edition, Steve Harvey.
 https://play.google.com/store/books/details?id=ZxHSAgAAQBAJ

Lady of Convenience

lady of convenience

A woman that is taken to events, paraded around as a girlfriend, and screwed when the male needs it. She is convenient until something better comes along and the male is not committed. She is similar to an escort.

I am not built for that shit! I am just not about that life! 

I require more. I don't require a lot but I DO require more!

I really don't want to be in that type of situationship at 41. 41 will turn into 45, 45 will be 50 and then you'll have a hard time settling down and just have to settle.

I have much higher standards than being anyone's lady of convenience.

I want the white picket fence, two and a half kids and a dog. I deserve that.
While I don't want it now, I want it eventually. 

These types of relationships are ALWAYS for the benefit of the man. The woman is usually totally unaware, being mislead and/or he pretends he "wants to take things slow". She NEVER gets the full truth until she figures it out by herself OR by mistake (You know guys are NEVER as slick as they THINK are!).

If they do tell you what's up, it's ALWAYS sent with mixed messages and mixed signals until you ask for a commitment. Then they backpedal and remind you how they didn't want a relationship and the vicious cycle keeps repeating itself. 

They (society) like to harp on age for women. A lot! For some things I harp on age too. They say we have less energy after 40. I know they HAVE to mean mental energy as well because I don't have the energy for fruitless relationships at this point in my life. Whether it be career, friendships, familial or otherwise personal. As Sweet Brown said, "Ain't nobody got time for that!"

I don't want to be a piece to any man, I want to be his everything. A lady of convenience gets whatever that man has to give. It's usually only enough to satisfy her momentarily so she'll shut up.

I can admit I tried to get through to men like this before. I mean I went HARD!

I did everything a woman should with no title.

As a matter of fact, I spent 11 months of my life doing so before.

That was ample time to get a feel of what a lady of convenience goes through.

My experience was far less than stellar.

I, unfortunately, was being the type of woman who was hardheaded and didn't listen to the many instances of being told he wasn't ready. I take full ownership of that.

Often ladies of convenience see that shift in attitude when they are ready to leave that makes them question if they are being patient enough.

He's being extra loving, sweet and caring to you. He's "acting" like your dude but trust me, he is NOT!

I experienced this OFTEN.

I got the talks about future plans, questioned about how I would treat my man (as if I wasn't showing him that already); this had me thinking he was ready to make this official...That was a pipe dream being sold. I was even told about events that couples would frequent, that we NEVER made it to! 

Granted, I do not feel he took someone else, him not taking me was enough of a jab.

He just wasn't into me. I even called him on that numerous times. I just got a beat around the bush answer when I confronted him..every time.

I felt it in my gut. I just didn't go with it. I take responsibility for that as well. ALWAYS go with your gut. I addressed that in my post here:

Trust In Your Decisions

I can't waste my time ever doing that again!

Ladies, I don't suggest you do it either.

It's a hurtful, lonely, disappointing situation to be in and it can be avoided.

Being a good woman won't make a man who is not ready change for you. I felt like I couldn't show all my love and I held back in numerous ways because I could sense that he wasn't giving me all of him.

That's a bad feeling, to feel like you can't be free to love him totally. You know he's not allowing himself to do the same, or trusting you with his heart. Why would I risk what he wouldn't?

The shit we see in the movies doesn't happen for girls like me, unfortunately. I live in a very real, and sometimes cruel, world.

Trust me, I waited for that change in him to happen and it never did.

When they say it's not you, believe that it isn't!

Do yourself a favor and move on and quickly.

The longer you have someone occupying that space is the longer your soulmate is being kept away from you.

How can the right man come in when the wrong man is in the way?

He's waiting and watching and you will be his PRIORITY.

I am really not going through these changes in 2016 or beyond. I deserve what I have to give, I have standards, certain things are deal breakers and I won't compromise myself ever again for them. 

I have more love and respect for myself to ever do THAT again! We have to love and respect ourselves and never let anyone make us deviate from that for ANY reason,

Not for their love, not for their attention, and certainly not for THEIR convenience.

Trust in Your Decisions

Dealbreakers

deal-break·er

noun

plural noun: dealbreakers

1. (in business and politics) a factor or issue that, if unresolved during negotiations, would cause one party to withdraw from a deal.

I know I was supposed to speak on my current situationship but frankly, I am not sure I am ready to reveal my love life in full detail. I am pretty open but I retain the right to be private as much as I retain the right to speak on things that happen in my love life, as it's part of MY life.
I am not really the type to ask for the world. As a matter of fact, all who I ever dated can attest to the fact that I don't ask for much at all.
Like every man or woman, I DO have my dealbreakers. I have made exceptions for ones I should not have in the name of love far too many times, I am not ashamed to say that. I DO know that going forward I will never compromise those again.
It just seems in doing so, the respect I deserved was NEVER given, despite being earned.
They took advantage of my forgiving nature and it afforded them opportunities to test me time and time again.
What sucks is, I believed they were good natured people and they would not purposely hurt me. So I excused the behavior. 
However being good natured is effortless. Picking and choosing when you want to be that way is disingenuine. It shows me that they only do it when it is something in it for them. That's a really selfish act.
I can't be selfless and get nothing in return. I would be a plum fool.
I have a big heart and I do things from my heart. It's hard for me to not care and want to treat people how I want to be treated.
I realize some people have no conscience.
My deal breakers are no longer compromisable.

These are MY dealbreakers:

Lying: 
If you lie, I can't and won't deal with you. 
Lying wold entail: Anything regarding relationship statuses, your intent of the relationship between us in the present and future, your employment status (Just because you want to be President you can't go around saying you are under the guise of speaking things into existence!), etc..

Callousness:
If you KNOW I am in a bind and you ignore it, you are not part of my life as a man. It's NOTHING worse than being stuck on the side of the road and you can't even rely on the person that's laying in your bed every night to come help you out.
Under this category falls when you don't care about my feelings in general. 
This is when you do something foul, issue a sorry apology (often being done several times over a course of time) and basically expect me to get over it. 
I.E. My birthday is  big deal to me, like most people, 
This year was the first one I celebrated since my mom died last year. She made big deals out of our birthdays, 
While I don't expect others to, if you plan something nice for me, I expect you to keep your word.
Plans were made for me that were not only NOT kept but the person told me to get over it.  I found out the day of, had packed my bags for two days get away and I proceeded to act as if it was no big deal. 
They basically told me to deal with the shit or get the fuck out their crib. It was my BIRTHDAY! I was crying on what should have been a really great weekend for me.
Well, 8 months later, while I don't hold a grudge, I am NOT over it. I am still hurt behind it. I forgave but I did not forget. I can't say that would be the kind of hurt you would forget.
I would NEVER do that to someone. It's cruel, it's mean and well, CALLOUS!

Disrespect:
Being mean spirited and trying to humble me is another  part  of being callous.
I am not walking around acting like I am all that. I hold my head up and have certain standards because I was raised that way.
I DO expect some sort of chilvary and for him to be a gentleman to me!
I.E. For my door to be opened to cars and buildings. I am a lady and I carry myself that way with my man and away from him. I represent him and I don't do things to embarrass him or emasculate him. So, opening my door should be a given. It's a requirement.
I should never have to feel embarassed because the person I am dealing with allows me to walk to their car, with other women and men around looking at me and open my OWN door! It's humiliating! I just feel strongly about it,
Calling me out of my name, cursing me out, any violence of any kind....DEALBREAKERS!

Indecisiveness:
Please know exactly what you want. If it's not me, stop faking it! Keep it 100! All of us have been let down at some point. I am 41! I have NOT gotten everyone I ever wanted. I have been rejected. I can handle it. What I can't handle being strung along because you want to keep me on board until you find the better option, or on YOUR timeline for when you want to settle down.
I am not a toy, a puppet or call girl.
And please don't say you don't want a relationship then act like you do when I want to leave or when you want a temporary woman. I am not a bedwarmer either.

Secrecy:
I don't know ANY of your friends, family, where you work or where you live and it's been months?! DEALBREAKER!
Okay so maybe not the family, but damn, your friends? To me, if I am being hidden, I'm a jump off, so I'mma jump off the crazy train and be out! 

Communication:
I don't have to talk to you fifty times a day. However, texts and  IMs aren't enough. Not EVERYTHING is meant to be discussed on text or IM. You can't tell someone's tone via texts. It's easy to misterpret. Too easy! 
I can't stand a man who can't express himself with words, who speaks in codes and beats around the bush.  That's a CHILD, that's not a man!
So many issues can be fixed with clear communication. So many misunderstandings can be cleared up. It makes room for bonds to grow stronger and trust to be built. 

I am not as complicated as I am made to be by people who don't want to do the work. ANY relationship takes work. If you want it, you do it. If you don't, you lose it. It's just THAT simple! There's no secret recipe or special formula for me. I just want honesty, respect, loyalty, trust communication and someone to hold me down like I hold them down. I don't mind building with someone. I don't have it all but I am growing and I want someone willing to grow with me as well. I deserve that much. I deserve THAT much and then some.

I had quite a year. I hope this next one is my best one yet! I am ready for whatever it brings and I welcome it!
I hope that 2016 brings you love and light, peace and prosperity, health and happiness.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!