Can You Be More Specific?

*Names have been omitted because we don't BOTH need to be douches*

Let me start off by saying,  I DON'T think I am everyone's cup of tea. That's not realistic to think I would be. However, if you give a description of what you like (of course, this is in reference to online/blind dating)  and I fit that description, of COURSE I will think we may be compatible!  What person in their right mind wouldn't? Notice I said might. I say might because there are so many variables to our personalities, we can't assume a base make up of us can give way to the complexities of us. Again, it's not realistic.

If we're talking and connecting and then you describe what you want, that person...okay, I, will no doubt think I have a shot in the dark.

Clearly, there is much more than what is being said. People are afraid to look shallow by stating exactly what they want. The catch to that is, you appear even MORE shallow when you blow them off after getting a picture or by not responding AT ALL! 

There are a few things wrong in that equation and not being specific enough can cause a problem.

Point and case, the conversation I saved from above happened a while back (disregard the three days ago) and I knew I would want to address it so I saved it. You all know by now my blog postings are random and my busy life (and Aries procrastinating)  don't allow me to post as often as I should. 

I digress. The gentleman above described me (well, what he wanted which IS me!) and asked for pictures. I, not being shy when I am comfortable enough, will share face and body pictures. I am not trying to hide or have anyone be surprised by me being a BBW. I sent the pics as requested. I am still waiting for a response (No, I'm not really, but you understand my sarcasm).

Over the years I have discovered when using the term BBW, there's levels to this shit. I, to this day don't get it, but I get it. I have been called: thick, fat, phat, BBW, super sized BBW (to me that's stupid because I am a big, beautiful woman period. And I guess that's some man's way of saying, "She's not a size 12 like the BBW models, she's more like a size 18, homie!). I just know I am big, I am beautiful and very much a woman. When you say, "Not into skinny women." The opposite of that is fat! My headshots don't even look like I am anything less than fat so I don't Catfish with headshots like they claim BBWs do. I look like a BBW! However, you won't get Jill Scott BBW, I am more Mo'Nique when she was on the Parker's BBW. If you meant Jill and get something else, IT COULD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED HAD YOU BEEN MORE SPECIFIC! Women turn down men we are not attracted to, politely, DAILY!  

I won't ever go in on a dude for that. Ever. I won't hold a grudge or cry about it. I DO feel some type of way about him not ever replying though. It's just...RUDE!

I am not the average sized woman. That's no secret. Me being smart, ladylike, having my ducks in a row AND attractive isn't either! I AM someone you can take home to momma. Even with odds against me for being a single mother, I am a catch.

I am smart, witty, confident, self-sufficent, black and I am NOT skinny ..if that's what you're actually into and not just saying you are.

I am not for closeted BBW lovers. I won't be a secret, be hidden from your friends and family or be the side chick. I won't be punished emotionally or abused mentally for being a BBW. If you are uncomfortable being seen with me, I promise you will never have to. I'll ensure you won't ever see me again. I am fine with that. C'est la vie!

You might win some but you just lost one...

Letting Go

"You made me happy this you can bet

Stood right beside me and I won't forget

I really love you, you should know

I want to make sure I'm right before I let go

We had our good times that's not the same

We're hurting each other girl it's s shame

I won't be foolish I've got to know

I want to make sure I'm right before I let go."

It's ironic that this Maze featuring Frankie Beverly is one of my favorite songs.
It wasn't until recently that I took the words of the song to heart and truly thought about what they meant.

As a matter of fact it was the day before Valentine's Day, and I was thinking of someone who I would have loved to have spent the following day with, but realized it was time to just let that go.

As a woman, I tend to try to make things happen in a relationship that's failing or failed that simply WON'T!  It's not wanting to fail, fear of rejection, being exactly sure that I am right about letting go before I do and a barrage of things.

What I DO know is, that if it doesn't fit, don't force it! I do know that holding onto someone who doesn't deserve you, who can't get past your past mistakes or you, theirs, or who is straddling the fence on where you all stand is not beneficial to YOU!

The person you need to look out for needs to always be you FIRST! Yes, I know it sounds a mite selfish but if you don't do it, who will?
As women, we do tend to put the needs of others well before ours. We don't typically get that in return. This vicious cycle continues and we end up doing what? Refusing to let go!

"We were so close I love your charm, 

ooh I can't understand it, no

Where did we go wrong?

I won't be askin', girl 

I've got to know

I gotta make sure I'm right...

Before I let go."

You can let go of the ideas you have of someone and the relationship you think you should have with them and just let it be what it is. I am not, by any means, saying that you should settle. Sometimes you just enjoy that person for who they are and you know it will never be more than you have right then and there. And that's perfectly fine too. Just know not to expect him to put a ring on it, even if he does like it!

I have also learned that I have to let go of the notion that just because someone is mature doesn't mean that as far as relationships, we are on the same page. We tend to think that as we enter our 40s and are unmarried and/or childless, life as we know it is over. That's definitely something we need to let go of! More and more women in their 40s are settling down, getting married and having babies. Look at Madonna and Halle Berry. Yes, I know they are rich, but their money has nothing to do with their 40+ and 50+ year old uterus!

I am guilty as all hell of hanging on for familiarity and because I am content. Being content with something not meant for us holds us back for the person who truly IS meant for us! That's the WRONG kind of comfort zone to be in! I am sure I said it's unhealthy too before, right?

It's okay to say, "It was fun while it lasted ..." and go on about your business. I am finding myself making that choice as well. You can like that person, like how they look, like how they make you feel (when they make you feel good) and they still simply not be "the one". It simply is what it is!

I am at the point in my life where random texts when either of us in the the mood to deal with the other, hearing from someone days after I contact them or if at all is not my cup of tea. Call me Kermit!

I need communication, a real connection, and real companionship. I just can't settle for whatever it is someone wants to give me. I deserve far more than that and I have earned far more than that. I conduct myself as a woman who is worth more so I expect more. Hell, I REQUIRE more! Any woman who knows her worth should. I certainly know mine.

Seasons change and people change. The saying about people coming into your life for a season are the truest words EVER! I am fine with that. Just like you clean out your closet and rid yourself of the winter clothes in the summer we should do the same in our personal lives. Everything is not worth keeping and cluttering up your life. It may have value but do you REALLY NEED it? Does it bring value to YOU? Does it fit in your life anymore?

And as I have matured over the years, I still had some growing to do, I have finally learned to let go peacefully. I can get mad and fly off the handle and be pretty ugly with my words. I am opting not to do that. I learned lessons from that. Every ending doesn't HAVE to be a bad one. Sometimes things just..end.

Consistenly Inconsistent

Inner-resting ...this came from a male.

*raises hands in surrender* 

Don't shoot the messenger, fellas! I am only quoting one of YOUR counterparts. I do, however, completely agree.

As always, I was discussing things with one of my best friends, who is also dating, and this was something we both stated we despised. She told me to tell y'all, "What she said!" In reference to this posting since she's agreeing with me.

If there is one things women in any relationship hate is inconsistency! Let us define it for those who know not what they do.

inconsistency

[in-kuh n-sis-tuh n-see] 

noun, plural inconsistencies for 2.

1.

the quality or condition of being inconsistent.

2.

an inconsistent thing, action,remark, etc.

What stands out so much to me here is inconsistent action. Therein lies the problem! Inconsistency is hands down thee number one issue a lot of women I have spoken to about dating have complaints about! It goes hand in hand with the complaint about the art of conversation being lost.

I, for one cannot stand it when a man shifts gears back and forth. It makes me hesitant to take them seriously, hesitant to trust them and most certainly hesitant to commit to them. No woman walking this Earth has ever jumped to say she wants to hubby up an inconsistent man. Not one.
An inconsistent man speaks multitudes about other issues in his life.

He most definitely runs the risk of being inconsistent in other areas of importance.

For example, an inconsistent man poses a threat of being the type of man who can't consistently keep a job, pay the bills or keep food on the table.

These are basic everyday things in life.

A man who is not consistent in how he communicates or how frequently he communicates is another sore spot. Sporadic calls, random texts, or an lol under our pics doesn't mean you  are consistent in communication just because you do it all the time.

If communication, which is a huge part of how we make it through life, is a problem, how can he hold down a solid relationship with a decent woman? 

Inconsistency is a surefire sign to women that they are being strung along as well. Going back and forth from one behavior and emotion to another certainly doesn't make a woman feel secure or have confidence that a man is being 100 with them. From my personal experience, this has ALWAYS been the case.

If he knows exactly what he wants today, then he should want the same thing tomorrow whether that's good or bad. The problem with inconsistency is you never know WHAT the man really wants and at any given time it can switch up. I can only equate it to walking a tightrope on a gusty day, and while you have a safety net, it has holes in various spots throughout it.

Some of these guys are really great guys who are smart and have great personalities. You want to giv. them chances, butg the emotional roller coasters and merry-go-rounds are too much! No one wants to be taken for a ride. At some point when women see they are on one, they are going to want to get off no matter how much they like the ride operator. 

Fellas,  good or bad, we appreciate knowing one way or the other. We just respect the truth. Period. 

Women take a chance and lay it on the line for you guys all the time. It's high time you started reciprocating. I know I have put my feelings out there, and it's not always been the result I wanted but it beat the back and forth that inconsistency causes.

Fellas, women have been through worse and bounced back. If you're not feeling us, it may sting momentarily but it's much better than finding out much later.

Women truly do appreciate solidity. Would you prefer a strong foundation to stand on or shaky ground? Which would YOU choose? 

Now let's define consistent for those who DO know what they are doing.

Consistent

con·sist·ent

kənˈsistənt/

adjective

(of a person, behavior, or process) unchanging in achievement or effect over a period of time.

synonyms: constant, regular, uniform, steady, stable, even, unchanging, undeviating, unfluctuating; More

compatible or in agreement with something

synonyms: compatible with, congruous with, consonant with, in tune with, in line with, reconcilable with; not containing any logical contradictions.

What stood out for me here was:  constant, regular, uniform, steady, stable, even, unchanging, undeviating, unfluctuating; and in tune with, in line with, reconcilable with; not containing any logical contradictions.

No contradictions. Unchanging. Unfluctuating. Stable. Constant. 

If you ask any woman she would pick at least two of those adjectives to describe what she looks for in a relationship. If your behavior doesn't dictate any of these things, fellas, you're doing it wrong!

The Art of Conversation

Lately one of my closest friends and I have been discussing our dating life and the things we encounter in it. The one common complaint, and I use that word loosely, is that the art of conversation is lost! 

In the day and age of social media, texting, and instant messaging, a lot of people think everything can be resolved through one of those sources.

Now mind you, I am up on the times so I too use these resources. However,  I am blessed to be part of the generation that is old school with a touch of new school. I STILL believe everything can't be resolved via text, IM or Skype. Some things require face to face or at the very LEAST a phone call! It would save a lot of heartache and headache!

For example, an apology is much better served with a look of sincerity in your eyes so that person knows you really mean it. You can't get that through a text or DM (direct message for those unaware) or an IM (you all should know that's an instant message). 

Remember my olive branch extension post? Well, it's much better extended face to face than via long, drawn out texts that an angry person can pick apart and interpret how they want. 

In a real conversation they can hear the tone of your voice and the sincerity in your voice as well; That's so hard to decipher in writing! It's basically impossible to get the real feel of what a person is saying in writing during instances like that.

This isn't about apologies today so let me not digress. 

We discussed how much we appreciate a man that is a good communicator. We talked about how important it is to keep in contact and how it shows us that you really have a sincere and genuine interest. 

A good morning text is great and no one is expecting daily phone calls from someone that we are just dating, and not dating seriously. However, hearing your voice on the other end of the phone from a surprise phone call is a welcome change from the norm. 

We know you are more than likely dating several women, and the good morning text that you send us could very well be copy and pasted. Now don't get me wrong, I don't expect you to come up with unique and exciting lines to woo me because that's not really sincere. Besides, you don't know enough about me to decipher how much I stand out from the other women. I do know this, if you don't take the chance and the opportunity to step outside of your comfort zone and actually open up a dialogue with me, you will never know that about me. That is plain and simple and cut and dry.

There should never be a time in our time on Earth, that we are comfortable with discussing something important or something that we deem of importance via text. It isn't a time if you want someone to take you seriously.

We were also discussing that we take the man who makes a valiant effort to call us on the phone and pick our brains and lets us pick theirs, ten times more seriously.

 You would be amazed at how many things get lost in translation when you send a text message! I have actually gotten into heated arguments with people because I thought they meant one thing they thought I meant another, and both of us totally and completely misunderstood everything the other person was saying. Now just imagine that occurring while you're trying to actually date a person. Versus you picking up the phone and actually talking things over with them you continue to send angry texts, silly emojis and acronyms like WTF? And FML!.

One of my friends is a great conversationalist! He's very smart, although he's humble about it. What I like most about speaking to him is that he will pick up the phone and call, and when he calls he actually has something of substance to say. I can pretty much pick any topic to discuss and he has a good amount of things to say on that topic.

Mind you, he is very busy; however he realizes that making the time to actually physically communicate via other forms than text messaging, makes much more of a difference in how I act and in how we interact. He really gets it.

When you have circumstances like that, a woman actually starts to compare and make her deductions. More than likely you will be subtracted from the equation. Even though we aren't trying to marry you, you want to give 'em something to talk about...literally!

He who texts, IMs, DMs and likes pictures on Instagram versus telling you personally how beautiful you are, may find himself by himself.

Why You Asking All These Questions?

Typically,  I tell people to mind their business. Why? Simply put, I am an open book. There's no need to be nosy because I have nothing to hide. Some things just aren't your business to know. I can be closed to certain things but I decided to step out of my comfort zone some.

Clearly,  I am a blogger. Bloggers typically are big mouth extroverts. I am NO different from the rest of them. I am of course referring to the non gossiping ones and the ones who write about celebs. I write about MY truths and MY experience.

I realize that while I might not  have a lot of traffic to this blog,  I have enough and people may have questions. So, I am about to be even more open.

Today I created an Ask.FM account. This was created so no assumptions are to be made when you can Simply ASK ME! It even lets you ask anonymously so you don't have to feel that pressure. Nothing is off limits so if you're reading this, ask away. I am honest to a fault so don't expect sugar coating.

Nothing and no one prompted me to write a questions blog.  I simply did.

I feel like I have to give a disclaimer because people are vain and they make EVERYTHING about them even though it's not.

So, here's how you can get to the meat and potatoes of me: Ask Tamisha ANYTHING here!

Extending The Olive Branch

I have a tendency to talk too much, be too blunt and speak too quickly in anger. It's a flaw I readily admit but haven't worked on quite enough. I also struggle with with being  humble and apologizing when I am wrong.

Blame it on my Aries traits, blame it on me being human, blame it on whatever you may. I blame myself. Being an Aries and a human just so happen to be a part of me. I digress.

My temper, my mouth and me being a writer are an extremely  bad combination sometimes. My tongue is as sharp as my pen. Granted, I am not a gossip columnist or an Entertainment blogger. These are my personal accounts of life and are all truth with no exaggeration. There may be lots of sarcasm but never slander.

That doesn't mean because what I said may be true that the way I worded it was right or the way I felt was expressed tactfully. It is, after all, my personal opinion on the situation I dealt with. 

Sometimes, I speak without having all tthe facts about why a situation occurred and I definitely write in haste.

One thing about me that a lot of people don't realize is I am sensitive and I have a heart of gold. I would give my last and I like to see people around me happy and make them happy.

When I wrong those people, I sincerely try to make it right. I extend the olive branch.

I can't force anyone to accept the apologies I extend. I can only offer it in hopes they can see my heart and know it's pure and that I am flawed.

If I wronged you, I publicly apologize. I meant no ill will. If you're in my life, it's because I invited you in and you belong there. I am glad to have you! 

If anyone doesn't accept that from me, thank you for being part of my life for the time you were there. You had a reason and a purpose, and I may not understand it now, but eventually I will. 

For now, I immediately feel the repercussions of doing something wrong to someone or talking too much. And that's a lesson I am learning and living with. I am not happy about it but I accept it. If I can dish it out, I can take it, even if it's taking a loss. You win some, you lose some. 

So, from the bottom of my heart, with pride swallowed and ego checked, I sincerely say, I am sorry.

Write Your Own Story

Happy New Year!
I don't have any resolutions for you. I am about to make changes because a blessing in the name of a JOB came my way. It just so happens that it's starting at the new year. I suck at resolutions. I have never, EVER kept a single one!
Changes can come at any time. It doesn't take us making it to a new year to do that. But you also have to remember sometimes changes require money, timing, and opportunity. For me, I needed all three to fall into place. By the grace of God, they have.
No, I didn't hit the lottery. God knows I wish I did. I just plan to grind hard and advance in my new position. Oh, it's nothing really fancy; I am doing Communications Operations II for Comcast. I am starting out in a higher position in the department than I originally realized. So to me, that's a great sign. I am sure you're Googling by now to see what I will be doing, my salary, etc.. but don't waste your time. I am not bragging about something that I consider a blessing. I am not bragging at all. I am just grateful. No matter how much I am making, I am about to make something from nothing! That's my whole point.
I always look at things as just getting by. I haven't put much thought into my dreams and talents. However, being out of work for four months, having to struggle, having to go without, facing dire circumstamces and being at the mercy of selfish people WITH a small child in tow can teach you an awful lot!
It taught me that talents wasted only affords you the opportunity to watch others use AND profit from theirs! 
It taught me that if you want it bad enough,you have to do it yourself. For example with me planning to open Mishy's Munchables© (I will discuss this in detail in another blog),I am literally going to have to teach myself everything! I don't have the resources for culinary school or cake art classes at the moment. This will NOT deter me from my dream. An acquaintance who bakes well gave words of encouragemwnt when she said I don't need all that and I can teach myself. That has stuck with me! When I look at her work, I am encouraged and impressed! She did all her learning on her own. She's a single mother as well and she works so she made no excuses for getting out there and doing what she dreamed! Here's her site: Sweets and Soirées
I have yet to order anything but her reviews through word of mouth are awesome! Aside from being a great person, she is a great cook! I am a huge fan of truffles and I heard hers are to die for!
Most people, and unfortunately I have to admit, black women,  don't support other black women, especially in the same business. I just don't operate that way. You have to give credit where credit is due. We have to put good karma out there to get it back! That is something I firmly believe.
I feel like my opportunities are endless. Of course, I have to get back on my feet but I don't plan on letting that sidetrack me. I am always writing someone else's story, it's high time I wrote my OWN!