Lifting Burdens, Finding Clarity and Speaking my Peace

"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you."
Dr. Maya Angelou

I need to gain clarity. I am so homesick! Back in South Florida I would jump in my car, drive East and ride along the beach with my windows down while deep in thought. But for now all I have are these words and I have some stuff to get off my chest.

I am just not myself. I am going though the motions and sensitive to everything. I have a lot on my plate but I am barely eating. I have to figure out so many things I have no answers to, all while I have a young child in tow. However, I don't miss a beat, even with all that going on. So when I feel something is amiss, I separate myself from that situation and those people.

Aside from my family and those I consider family, anyone else bringing me untruths, confusion, playing on my intelligence, disregarding what I am going through and being selfish, I have NOTHING for you!
I am not entertaining you or your madness, for I have enough of my own.
I am not listening to or focusing on you if you ignore me and disregard what I am feeling.
If you're shoruded in secrecy, I definitely don't trust you as far as I can see you and I don't trust you then. I can't be an open book to you and I can't even read your preface.
Indecisiveness is not something I do. I don't straddle fences by any means. I always know exactly what I want and need and I state it. I don't say anything I don't mean. If I said it I meant it. I don't talk to hear myself talk and I don't say what sounds good just because it sounds good.

Right now, NONE of your issues trump mine unless you just lost your mother so I don't have the energy to devote to you feeling sorry for yourself. If you can't understand that great of a loss for me and push aside your woe-is-me sob stories for ONCE in your life, then you don't have any business in my life. You have a chance to fix these issues but you opt not to by making excuses, you shuck your responsibility and think you deserve to be blessed, you make empty promises and you are not a person whose words are their bond. 

And for that, you aren't allowed to cloud my aura with your dark presence. I simply won't stand for it. I can put up with a LOT of things but I have boundaries. When every adjective I can think of for you is negative.. You..gotta..GO!
If you're family or a friend you wouldn't bring any of that to me anyway.

Since, driving to the beach is not an option, I will rely on what I did before I took my long drives, and that was prayer. 

Some of you have some serious demons and don't realize it. Hell, dare I say it, some of you ARE demons. Sure you go to church, bible study and pray, but you aren't praying for the things that carry you through life to death. For example it never occurred to you to ask for love, a soulmate, and your own family. You're asking for the here and now and not wise enough to see that God doesn't mind you asking for more as long as it's on accordance to what the Bible says.

I guess you can challenge me and say I don't to church and you do, but so does the Devil. Marinate on that...I might not go to church every Sunday but I will implore you to tell me I am wrong about that. Then explain in detail why I am wrong. I promise you, you would lose that battle.

I have my daughter to think of. And she's NOT going to be hurt by seeing me hurt. I had to try to lie to my child and cover up what was happening that was causing me emotional pain or try to explain to her that something she was excited about for us both, isn't going to happen in our lives.
And she was confused and I saw it in her face. I drew a line in the sand and it was crossed the moment she didn't get what was happening. And I almost lost my cool in front of her. I knew then I had enough!
Getting my hopes up is one thing but when that crosses over to my child, you're asking for a war you are not prepared to fight. You will see a side of me unlike ever before. Everything even remotely nice and understanding about me is over where she's involved. I simply won't stand for it from her blood or otherwise. That I will never compromise on.

I don't have anything left to say right now. I am numb but I still feel a barrage of emotions so great it overwhelms me. But at least how I feel is clear and concise and no one is confused or left to wonder. I laid it all on the table.. I simply said it.

Just like most things in life, these feelings are subject to change without any notice. I an human and human emotions ate never set in stone. But as it stands for now...this is what it is.

And until I see change there will be none from me. Idle threats and empty promises aren't my style but being 100% authentic and standing  by my word are. And I mean every single syllable. I regret nothing  and I take nothing back.

The late great Dr. Maya Angelou said something so profound that it has opened my eyes time and time again when I face situations like this. I look to that statement as I leave you with it.

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." - Dr. Maya Angelou

I Really Love My Momma

She's my favorite girl! She was sweet, kind, endearing, sentimental, honest, caring, nurturing, a great cook, hospitable, Godfearing, and the best mother anyone could ask for. She was a great wife, mother, homemaker, sister, Aunt and cousin. You couldn't ask for better! We sent her off beautifully. Too bad some of the people she was kindest to weren't there to join in her homegoing celebration.
And her dying showed me a lot about people. It was people closest to her that didn't come to see her off and I am angry. I know people can't drop everything and life goes on. Some had valid reasons, others had no valid reason to me. If you're sick, injured, had a major life event (marriage, graduation, a birth) or one of your family members was, I get it. But my momma was a beautiful lady who was selfless and the best friend anyone could ask for. That wasn't based on convenience, that was from her heart. So, that should have been returned to her in death as well. I am not firing shots, my momma wouldn't want that, but my momma knows I don't bite my tongue and I am gonna keep it 100. I learned that by watching her be honest my entire life. But that's not my cross to bear, I will let that be theirs.
I appreciated those who went out of their way. She would have done the same. I can't thank them enough. They were Godsends in our greatest time of need. And I won't forget the good they did and continue to do.
My mother's passing showed me a lot about people close to me outside my family and I see things a lot clearer than before. It puts things into perspective for me. And it makes me take off my blinders, take people off pedestals and rethink my strategy. I know the woman my mother taught me I should be to make a good woman. That I am, and if it's not reciprocal, then it's time to let the chips fall where they may. It is what it is.
My mother's demise is going to make me grind harder, strive to be a better mother, finish these degrees and stick to my pursuit of my dreams. To be like her would be an honor.
I had my differences with her at times but never fell out with her. We didn't see eye to eye on everything but parents and adult children often don't. But at the end of the day, I loved that lady and that lady loved me. And it showed to the end. As sick and weak as she was near her last days, she stood and gave me the biggest hug and I needed that. I really needed that from her. She must have sensed it. I am glad she was able to before she passed. I will always carry that with me as I will carry all the life lessons she taught me. She was my comforter, my best friend, my idol and my role model. She was my mom for my 40 (she deserved 40 times as many years) years on Earth but will forever be my mom in Heaven.
Sleep in peace my Angel, Mrs. Neta Bertha Bell Scruggs, you will be forever loved and forever missed!

President Barack Obama Speaks On Trayvon Martin Trail Aftermath

http://news.yahoo.com/obamas-remarks-race-resonate-many-025342716.html#

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Troubled Over Trayvon

Some Never Want Justice or Peace

This lady came out of the clear blue sky, commenting on a board I made for Trayvon Martin over a year ago. I replied to her ignorance but because I reported her racism, Pinterest deleted her responses. I only have her first response but she said so many ignorant things, such as Blacks only care if it is one of ours dead and had Trayvon been white we would not care, that we riot every time someone does injustice to us, and that she hopes that they find Zimmerman innocent so we can riot, she drug Mexicans into this and insulted them and spoke of them like dogs, and that we only care when someone white kills us. She even went as far as to say that she is fascinated by black on black crime (because no other races EVER kill each other in violence EXCEPT black people right?). Blatant ignorance! And she was born in EUROPE! This woman is not even AMERICAN! I spoke my peace because I was not having it. I posted her picture and the link to her Pinterest so people can see for themselves. She even has a board dedicated to pointing out Black on White crimes, on board has a Swastika on it (She's German..go figure) and other little stabs she takes at other groups not of her own. Below is the dialog I exchanged with her as well.:

Racist April GH on Pinterest

Tamisha Scruggs • 1 year ago

No unarmed person should be gunned down like an animal & the shooter be allowed to go free! We have to demand #JusticeforTrayvonMartin and we have to demand it NOW! They need to arrest and prosecute George Zimmerman!

    April GH

    April GH • 1 day ago

    I want to see George found not guilty if for nothing but the chance to watch the Black riots on TV. Those are always fun. Especially when they tear up and burn their own neighborhoods.

    Tamisha Scruggs

    Tamisha Scruggs • just now

    And I an sure you do! 1) I don't care about anything you have to say because you are European AND white. So that's a double negative on why you should have kept your ignorant mouth shut. You know NOTHING about being being black and especially not in THIS country! You should be ASHAMED to call yourself a mother! This was someone's CHILD. 2) You sought out boards in support of Trayvon Martin specifically to to come here and display you bigotry and hatred! We are NOT going to riot if this animal is acquitted. People like you would expect that from us, wouldn't you? My neighborhood is a far cry better than you would EVER be able to afford here OR in whatever country hailed your ignorant self. My family worked too hard for Godless, useless people like you and George Zimmerman to make us destroy it. If he is acquitted then it is what it is. He may be able to slip thru the fingers of justice here but he will NEVER be able to escape the fingers of justice of God. Remember that and NEVER forget it. You all get too comfortable in this freedom of speech we AMERICANS have. They would have beheaded you if this was the right century for this stupidity in YOUR country. George Zimmerman ha s a special room reserved in hell for him; make sure you and books yours early as well. I am sure a lot of his other supporters will be joining him!

    Tamisha Scruggs • 5 hours ago

    That is the problem in itself. Hell if you have been in this country for 40 years then you should know better than the ignorance that you are sitting here spreading. Whether or not blacks have rioted before does not mean that every single time there is an injustice towards a black person in this country that we are going to riot. You sound like and are clearly a fool! If we riot every time there Is an injustice we wouldn't even have the country that Blacks literally built, for you people to come and live freely and talk your shit and spread your lies and spew your hatred on in the first damn place. Now you have not encountered an uneducated, unintelligent, black woman and you asked for it are you going to get exactly what you came over here for. You singled my board out because you felt like you could come over here and say whatever you wanted to say and that no one was going to have anything that's worth anything to say to you; but that's where you made your first mistake.

    Your second mistake was when you are trying to switch the tone of your comment from being a blatant, ignorant, racist and act like you wish that George Zimmerman would have just walked away and let Trayvon Martin go about his way. Well you are right about that, he definitely should have walked away and let him go about his way. He wasn't doing anything anyway you slice it. Lets keep it 100 here. You don't give a flying fuck about Trayvon Martin and you have no sympathy for the fact that he is dead. You do not regret the fact that George Zimmerman killed him in the first place.

    So please spare me that patronizing bullshit and do not come over here now and try to clean up your dirty shit and act like that's not what you meant when clearly it is. You bringing up some one Mexican if totally irrelevant and has nothing to do with this conversation, it has nothing to do with this a board I dedicated to the injustice of Trayvon Martin, and has nothing at all to do with me as an African American woman in this country. I could care less what anyone Mexican is doing right about now, in the future, or have done in the past because that does not pertain to this injustice.

    And I implore you to point out to me were I said anything about Trayvon Martin being black or George Zimmerman being white. Please do show me. If you accuse me of something I need to see where I did it. Your argument is as Irrelevant as you are. You are accusing me of something that you have never even once seen me, you do not know what one iota of information about me, and you cannot box me in with every other black person that you had encountered because I am NOT them I am me!

    I could have cared less what color Trayvon Martin was and I could care less what color George Zimmerman is! He killed that child in cold blood who was doing nothing but walking down the street in this country that you love to talk about. Get off my board and don't come back! Unlike the black people you have clearly encountered I use words to fight and you will not win this fight....

    Because clearly you know every black person on the planet right? The more you speak the more clearly I come to see how stupid you really are. Now that's what fascinates me. The only person that you make sense to is you and your other personalities. If this conversation was with someone who had a bit of sense it would actually be worth it. But you don't have that... And pat yourself on the back because you won... it's just not fair to try to match the dim wits you have with mine.

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